Journey - An ongoing story (moved to my blog)

[ForsakenSwordsman]

I've moved the story over to my blog: blog. Feel free to visit and comment! XD

Hi all. Many artists and creative persons these days have some form of web comic, the web comic industry is getting very popular. I wanted to try to produce a little something of my own, but with a twist. Journey is a written story, that updates like a web comic. I figured I would start by posting it here and getting some feedback on a few things.
If I can keep this going, and get it set up on a site of its own or something, I also want to do some illustrations to go with it. All in all, it could work out very nicely.

What I need your help on:

- General feedback on the story itself, good things and bad.

- Ideas for an overall name. (I don't mind Journey, but perhaps you could think of something better?)

- Ideas for websites etc, that I could post the story on. I'm really unsure about how would be best to host the story you see, and any ideas are appreciated.  

[ForsakenSwordsman]

Current Chapter

Chapter 1 - Optimism

Lee Fuller glanced out of the window of the train and sighed. They should have been moving half an hour ago but the train wasn’t going anywhere.

“Just be patient Lee,” said a gravelly voice from next to him, “We’re not in any rush.”

“I would still like to get moving,” said Lee, looking up at his friend, whose face was hidden by the newspaper he was reading. “You know, Bill; the world seen from a moving train is quite the sight!”

“You would think that,” Bill grunted, lowering his newspaper to look Lee in the eyes.

Bill was over 7ft tall and made entirely of stone. He was an older model of golem that Lee’s mother had bought for him when he was a child. There were two problems with Bill however, firstly he had an excess of personality, at least for a golem. Most golems were standard commercial products that served a wide range of purposes, none of which required any amount of personality. Some people used them for cleaning; others for guarding valuables, there were endless amounts of applications.

After the Carrot top murders ten years ago however, public opinion on golems had changed for the worse. Nowadays very few people used golems at all; you could most commonly find them taking part in the brutal fighting tournaments Golemathon! Entrants in the fights used their golems to do battle and...Well it’s pretty self explanatory isn’t it?

The other thing you should know about golems is that they all have a safety mechanism built into their bodies. At the press of a button on their backs all golems can be controlled by their owners. Each golem can only be controlled by a single person, but the level of control is perfect, you move your arm and the golem will move in perfect synchronisation.

Naturally enough, Bill’s safety mechanism didn’t work properly. Lee was only able to control the left arm of his friend, and sometimes he would gain control even when the button wasn’t activated.

In fact such an instance of lack of control, or rather too much control, was about to happen at that very moment. And it turned out to be a good thing that it did happen too!

“Ha! We’re finally moving,” cheered Lee, as the train began to move out of the station at last. He raised his arms in triumph and Bill’s arm shot up at the same time, punching a hole in the roof of the train.

Several people screamed at the sudden chaos, and Lee started to get up in order to apologise to everyone. And no sooner had he raised himself from his seat, than a dagger shot through the window and imbedded itself in Bill. It’s safe to say that if Lee had been sitting at the time then the dagger would have most certainly hit him instead.

“Well, this trip is certainly becoming eventful!” laughed Lee, plucking the dagger from Bill’s side.

“It appears someone wants to kill you,” muttered Bill “Can’t say I blame them really, you are far too optimistic these days you know!”

“I’ve always been optimistic!” smiled Lee, “It just took...certain events to make me remember that I should take that optimism and show it to the world!”

“I’m afraid you and your optimism won’t be going anywhere,” scowled a raspy voice. A hooded man stood next to them, a set of daggers strapped across his chest, “End of the line pal.”  

[ForsakenSwordsman]

Previous Chapters

You can read all previous chapters here: [link]  

[ForsakenSwordsman]

Okay, all sorted, feel free to post now.  

[TtheHero]

I dig the bit of dialogue, and your descriptions so far.

I'm no expert or anything; I still feel I have to improve on some things myself.


Anyway, this looks good!  

[ForsakenSwordsman]

TtheHero

I dig the bit of dialogue, and your descriptions so far.

I'm no expert or anything; I still feel I have to improve on some things myself.


Anyway, this looks good!

Thanks, I've got a few chapters ready so the first few updates should be pretty speedy ^__^  

[Paper Sonic]

I dig the concept so far, but its too early to tell if I like it or not XD
So far, it hasn't really drawn me in, but in retrospect not much has happened yet. Looking forward to reading more so I can have an opinion of the content.  

[ForsakenSwordsman]

I_love_Inuyasha1

I dig the concept so far, but its too early to tell if I like it or not XD
So far, it hasn't really drawn me in, but in retrospect not uch has happened yet. Looking forward to reading more so I can have an opinion of the content.

Ah, you're quite right, they are pretty short chapters too. I'll get the next chapter up shortly, but it'll probably take three or four to really get going.

If I was going to post this elsewhere, I think I'd post a few chapters up to start with, to get people going..mmm, thanks for the idea XD  

[Cabron the Swan]

I'm more of a poet than a story writer, but I do have a little concrit for you.

Lee.... and Bill. Lee is an uncommon enough name, I can be interested in a character like that right away, but Bill? For a golem? Memorable names make for memorable characters. The 'rose by any other name' bit doesn't work in fiction; you have to make an impact with the character's name, because it is often the reader's first impression of the character. When I read 'Bill', I was immediately uninterested in that character. He came across as bland, and reading the newspaper didn't help. From the rest of the passage, I can tell that Bill has more to him than that. He's a character meant to protect Lee, with a bit of a mystery to him. I'd suggest William, because I believe that means Protector (if you're having trouble coming up with good names, you can always look up meanings on babynames.com wink ), but it also feels too common to me. He's not a human being, so you could alter his name a little and make it less human, maybe take out or change a letter or two: Willim, Willam, etc. They say you don't really start getting creative until your 30th idea or so; when I name my characters I write a huge list and pick the ones I like best by process of elimination, then name them as their character develops and use the one I feel best fits their personality and situation.

tl;dr: names are important.

Secondly, when you went into the explanation of how golems work, you changed from the third person to the second person. You wrote it how you would say it, if you were telling someone the story; you have to avoid doing that. It's better to gradually reveal details as necessary, through dialogue or narrative. For example, if you wanted to include some information about golems and the back story, perhaps Lee and Bill could have a conversation about the state of their affairs; that would both provide more insight to the setting and give you more of a chance to introduce the characters without it sounding forced.

I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh, I love the premise and how the action started right away instead of rambling about the scenery until chapter 3 or 4. I can't wait to read more of this; maybe I should pick up the project on my lost manuscript too.

 

[ForsakenSwordsman]

Lady Psycho Sexy

I'm more of a poet than a story writer, but I do have a little concrit for you.

Lee.... and Bill. Lee is an uncommon enough name, I can be interested in a character like that right away, but Bill? For a golem? Memorable names make for memorable characters. The 'rose by any other name' bit doesn't work in fiction; you have to make an impact with the character's name, because it is often the reader's first impression of the character. When I read 'Bill', I was immediately uninterested in that character. He came across as bland, and reading the newspaper didn't help. From the rest of the passage, I can tell that Bill has more to him than that. He's a character meant to protect Lee, with a bit of a mystery to him. I'd suggest William, because I believe that means Protector (if you're having trouble coming up with good names, you can always look up meanings on babynames.com wink ), but it also feels too common to me. He's not a human being, so you could alter his name a little and make it less human, maybe take out or change a letter or two: Willim, Willam, etc. They say you don't really start getting creative until your 30th idea or so; when I name my characters I write a huge list and pick the ones I like best by process of elimination, then name them as their character develops and use the one I feel best fits their personality and situation.

tl;dr: names are important.

Secondly, when you went into the explanation of how golems work, you changed from the third person to the second person. You wrote it how you would say it, if you were telling someone the story; you have to avoid doing that. It's better to gradually reveal details as necessary, through dialogue or narrative. For example, if you wanted to include some information about golems and the back story, perhaps Lee and Bill could have a conversation about the state of their affairs; that would both provide more insight to the setting and give you more of a chance to introduce the characters without it sounding forced.

I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh, I love the premise and how the action started right away instead of rambling about the scenery until chapter 3 or 4. I can't wait to read more of this; maybe I should pick up the project on my lost manuscript too.

Okay, I'll try for a second time to respond, damn computers.

Bill was a deliberate choice, a direct contrast to his unusualness. Bill is weird, even for a golem, and his name is the only thing about him that isn't weird; it's boring in fact, but that's why it works. It's a standard gag really, weird guy with a plain name. William is not bad, but it's just the long version of Bill anyway, so it wouldn't really be changing his name. One thing I really wanted to stay away from though is outlandish names, like Willm, or Gar or Brusslem or something, for the contrast reasons stated above.

Funnily enough Lee is just as common a name where I come from. To my ears 'Lee Fuller' sounds like the most boring and standard person who ever existed XD.

Bill's name also says something about Lee too, his owner. Why would anyone name their golem Bill? Well, it's a direct reflection of Lee isn't it, as well as being a little bit of a joke.

---

The changing of perspective from third person to second person is something I do from time to time, though that doesn't make it right of course. I was influenced partly by the opening of the hobbit:

http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780345339683&view=excerpt

Tolkien often addresses the audience directly, telling them quirky little details about things, before getting back to the story. This is what I attempt to do, albeit with a lot less subtlety and grace ^__^. I'll have a think about changing it though, maybe it would work better your way.

Thanks very much for all the comments, I certainly don't mind constructive crit at all. I'll post up chapter two tomorrow; so I hope you can find time to take a look over it.  

[ForsakenSwordsman]

I've moved the story over to my new blog. I'll be posting updates there instead of here, so I hope that interested readers will come take a look. There's a link to the blog at the top of the page.

@admin peoples: If this thread is in the way, feel free to delete it.  

[Cabron the Swan]

Ohh, ok, I get it. I guess I woulda understood that more if I read on. And I've never met a guy named Lee around where I live, so yeah. sweatdrop I didn't really like it when Tolkien did it either, but if it's a tribute to his writing style then I get why you put it in there. xd

I'mma keep up with it, looks like an interesting read.

I'd like to know more about the time period though, a train could be in so many architectural eras.

 

[ForsakenSwordsman]

Lady Psycho Sexy

Ohh, ok, I get it. I guess I woulda understood that more if I read on. And I've never met a guy named Lee around where I live, so yeah. sweatdrop I didn't really like it when Tolkien did it either, but if it's a tribute to his writing style then I get why you put it in there. xd

I'mma keep up with it, looks like an interesting read.

I'd like to know more about the time period though, a train could be in so many architectural eras.

I'm going to try and elaborate on the time period a little as I go along, but I tend to set things in a kind of steam punk esque, victorian britain..if that makes any sense. I like to keep it fairly open, because I'm a lazy sod ^___^.  

[ForsakenSwordsman]

One last time, then I promise to let this thread die.

This story is now in my blog. The link is at the top. I appreciate feedback. Cheers all.