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My song lyrics

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Kizume-Chan

PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 2:50 pm
This is my first attempt, in a long while to write a song. And I'm going to edit this a bit so that it can fit with the new manga I'm thinking of to creating. Although, I'll post the story in the writing fourm first so I would know where I'm going. sweatdrop Enjoy?

Oh and this song is about asking yourself who you are, what you'll do, why you do it, when you'll do it, and how you'll do it. And every day you ask yourself that and if you're really cut out for this.

(Questions)

[Intro]
People ask,
like a task
they have to do.

Questions repeated,
answers repeated.
But are you really you?
So why are you here?
How are you here?
When were you here?
What were you here for?

[...]

[Male]

Walking down the streets,
trying to hide who you are.
Got places to go,
people to know.

Where are you headed?
Who are ya meeting?
Are ya going to be-headed?
What's the deal?

Asked questions repeated,
answers repeated.
Feels like you're defeated
by your life.

[Female]

Taking a chance you say,
breath-taking things you sway,
trying to pass off who you are
is it really easy?

Looking around,
roaming abound,
listening to a sound,
what are you gonna do?

[Both // Chorus]

Just look around,
people are found.
More to loose,
more to choose.

Who are you for?
What are you for?
Why are you here?
When will you go?
How do you know?

Giving in,
giving up,
asking yourself
"What am I gonna do?"

[Female]

Walking around,
asking around,
roaming abound,
asking people of what to do.

[Male]

Is always what you do.

[Female]

When people heard it,
they don't wanna hear it.
When people seen it,
they would want to be it.

Turning around and thinking,
"Just what are they doing?"

[Male]

Thinking to yourself:

[Both]

As they say,

[Male]

'You have the right to be silent,'

[Female]

'Your words are gonna be used against you.'

[Male]

'Don't be a follower,'

[Female]

'Be a leader, 'cause you choose'

[Male]

'Think before your actions'

[Female]

'Or your gonna loose'.

[Both// Chorus]

Just look around,
people are lost.
Less to care,
Less to give.

Who are you?
What are you?
Why are you?
When will you?
How are you?

Taking a chance,
Not caring who rants,
asking yourself
"Is this really me?"

[Interlude]

[Female]

What is it that your gonna do?

[Male]

Are you just gonna have to give up

[Female]

And loose?

[Both]

The questions keep comming,
like how immortality is.

People asking themselves
"Am I really right for the show buisness?"

Taking chances,
taking risks,
loosing more,
choosing more,
caring less,
giving less...

Oh...


[Chorus]

Just look around,
people are found.
More to loose,
more to choose.

Who are you for?
What are you for?
Why are you here?
When will you go?
How are do you know?

Giving in,
giving up,
asking yourself
"What am I gonna do?"

Just look around,
people are lost.
Less to care,
Less to give.

Who are you to them?
What are you to them?
Why are you that to them?
How are you to them?

Taking a chance,
Not caring who rants,
asking yourself
"Is this really me?"

[Both]

Is this the end?
Is it all that's it's worth?
Is this how it is?
Why am I like this?

[Male]

Oh, oh...

Who am I for them?
What am I for them?
Why am I for them?
When will I for them?
How am I for them?

[Female]

How much does this go?
How far do these go?
How would I know?
How do I go?

[Both]

Finding who I am,
is it a crime?
Asking who I am,
why do I whine?
Answering who I am,
is it really a prime?

Changing my mind,
shuffling the things I find,
not caring who mind,
what will I find?

Trying hard to please everybody (is that really who I am?)
Trying hard to please my self (is that the best I can?)
Trying hard to find who I am (what other choice do I have?)
Trying hard to find what I am to life (is it really what I man?)

Who am I (to them)?
What am I (to them)?
Why am I (that to them)?
When will I (go to them)?
How am I (to them)?

These never-ending questions will be ever-lasting...  
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 3:49 pm
The song lyrics make me curious what your story will be about and I can already imagine a great adventure and story unfolding, but it needs a bit of work in my opinion.

There are some concerns, critisism, and questions I have though.

At the beginning you say questions and answers repeated, but you don't repeat a lot of the questions you ask later in the song. Instead you ask a lot of questions and you don't answer any of them.

In the guys second stanza, i would stick with "you" in your questions rather then "ya".
"Are ya going to be-headed?" - what do you mean by "be-headed"?

"When people heard it . . . they would want to be it" Is this needed in your song. I feel like it's straying off topic a big.

"You have the right to be silent . . . used against you" again straying a bit

"The questions keep comming, like how immortality is." What does this have to do with the topic?

"not caring who mind" What do you mean?

So overall a few extra things.

There are many stanzas where you have 2 competing ideas in a simple 4 lines and you aren't giving enough attention to these ideas. Some of those smaller ideas that are pushing out the bigger ones are not completely relevant to the song.

You also are not keeping to your theme in my opinion. You said your theme is asking yourself are you really cut out for this, but you have a tendency to stray from this topic from time to time.
One small problem that adds to that I think is that you are focusing to much on your rhyming. Because you want to rhyme so much you are limiting your choice of words and forcing everything in only one direction. Try using synonyms so that you aren't always repeating yourself in everything.

Overall the song is a little long. Considering the song is for an introduction (usually only a minute and a half after editing) this song sounds like it will be really long especially with the music interlude.  

Kasi Karra
Crew


Kizume-Chan

PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 4:30 pm
Acctually, this song, when I first started to write it, it was supposed to be about how fame can be difficult, but I changed my mind when the song went off topic a lot. sweatdrop  
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