one of many short stories

[HARD N THROBBING INCUBUS]

dont know how u feel about writers but i wrote some short fiction a while back and recently just started trying to get feed back on it. this story was meant to give you chills or make you squirm or both

The knife glistens in the moonlight. The serrated edge cold against my skin as it pulls across my wrist. The blood that comes forth in rivulets bright crimson on my pale fare skin slick with sweat. I can feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins anticipating the pain that felt like it was taking forever in registering itself. I can’t scream because the horror of what is happening to me has silenced any notion of the idea. The horror threatens to break me into thousands of pieces willing me to pass out but I won’t I mustn’t I have to know if I am going to die. Then the panic sets in as the knife flashes past my wrist moving quickly and deftly cutting deeper than the first. The realization that I can no longer move my fingers joins the panic the searing pain and the horror of it all. Its all I can do to keep from passing out. My blood is pooling on the ground around me. I feel light headed and nauseas. The knife goes for a third time in the crease at my elbow, more blood pours forth. The pain has stopped but I hadn’t noticed I was confusing it with the anxiety of my death.  

[HARD N THROBBING INCUBUS]

okay so i know its more like a paragraph but i feel to put an end or even a beginning on it would ruin it for me cause every time i read it i imagine a different character in a different situation dieing for a different reason ... the ending is always different in my mind sometimes they die sometimes they dont or not right away... it all depends on my mood... srry if u feel let down but i am more than pleased with it... if i were to add anything more it would be trash to me  

[xena91388]

graphic. . . . .

Xena gives it a thumbs up  

[oldaccount byenow]

xxxxxxxxxxx● F e e l; I t . ● B r e a t h e; I t . ● B e l i e v e; I t

Very detailed. I love it. Well I love how much detail you put into it. Not the actual detail...

xxxxx &&; . Y o u ' l l . B e . W a l k i n g . O n; . A i r xxxxx

 

[taxidermy jesus]

I dunno if you wanted critique or not, but I figured I'd post it anyways, just in case. If you don't wanna hear it, I can just delete it.

Critique

Pacing. I can't emphasize it enough. Anxiety seems to be the dominating emotion of the passage, but your current writing style isn't communicating this as effectively as it could. You use a lot of longer sentences, with about average vocabulary. This doesn't really compliment the mood.

The story is written in first person, so you need to consider the character's emotional state. If you're in a panic, you're not going to be able put together longer, coherent statements, and think of fancy vocabulary words. No, you're going to be disorganised, with your thoughts broken into fragments. It's also not uncommon to hyperfocus on details. You know how it goes, tunnel vision and all of that. Write through the eyes of the character.

For first person perspective, the writing is a bit too detached. You often describe the characters feelings explicitly to the audience, rather than illustrating them within the scene. : "The realization that I can no longer move my fingers joins the panic..." and "...but I hadn’t noticed I was confusing it with the anxiety of my death." are both good examples of this. The character is telling us how they're feeling, and it breaks the focus of the story.

Also, spelling and grammar. Spellcheck is not enough. You gotta do it manually, or get someone else to proofread it for you.

 

[xena91388]

Something tells me Rock writes >w>

Rock_hard_yo

I dunno if you wanted critique or not, but I figured I'd post it anyways, just in case. If you don't wanna hear it, I can just delete it.

Critique

Pacing. I can't emphasize it enough. Anxiety seems to be the dominating emotion of the passage, but your current writing style isn't communicating this as effectively as it could. You use a lot of longer sentences, with about average vocabulary. This doesn't really compliment the mood.

The story is written in first person, so you need to consider the character's emotional state. If you're in a panic, you're not going to be able put together longer, coherent statements, and think of fancy vocabulary words. No, you're going to be disorganised, with your thoughts broken into fragments. It's also not uncommon to hyperfocus on details. You know how it goes, tunnel vision and all of that. Write through the eyes of the character.

For first person perspective, the writing is a bit too detached. You often describe the characters feelings explicitly to the audience, rather than illustrating them within the scene. : "The realization that I can no longer move my fingers joins the panic..." and "...but I hadn’t noticed I was confusing it with the anxiety of my death." are both good examples of this. The character is telling us how they're feeling, and it breaks the focus of the story.

Also, spelling and grammar. Spellcheck is not enough. You gotta do it manually, or get someone else to proofread it for you.