The Chosen Gods-Prologue

[Memories in the Mist]

The twelve gold thrones surrounded the temple. At each sat a person, twelve all together. Everything was still. One of them stood up and went to stand before the others.
“Apollo, what is it?" one asked.
"I have foreseen a terrible fate," Apollo answered.
"For Earth?" one of the women asked.
"Not the animals! Please not the animals" another women gasped.
"No, not for Earth nor the animals. It's for us," Apollo replied.

The 11 still sitting gasped in shock and whispered to each other. The wind blew steady as all eyes went back to Apollo. The man at the center and grandest throne was the first to speak.

"What kind of faith, Apollo?" he asked.
"All they said was the time of the god was coming to an end."

The people gasped and looked to each other. How could this be? They had ruled from up on Mount Olympus for hundreds of years. Why was it all happening now?

"Apollo what can we do to stop this?" one asked.
"We must choose another, Hera," Apollo replied.
"Only one? But Apollo what if that one is blood thirsty and sends Earth to its destruction!" a man asked.
"Poseidon we will not choose one. We will each choose one to replace us. A new born baby so they can rule for many years to come," Apollo answered.
"Very wise Apollo. I couldn't of thought of a better idea," one of the women said.
"Thank you Athena. Now fellow gods gather around so we may choose the children."

The others gathered around a pool. Apollo gazed into it. He looked other many new borns before he found him.

"That one," he said and point toward the pool at a baby boy. "He's born to a musician and will be a good fit for my replacement." With that he stepped back and a woman stepped up. She stared at the pool for a long time. She looked over many baby girls but couldn't find Her.
"Aphrodite, have you chosen?" a voice asked.

"Yes, her," Aphrodite responded and pointed to a beautiful baby girl. She smiled at the little one. With out another word she stepped back and let the next go, Hera. Hera began to search for her pick.

"That one," she said and stepped back with out another word. Athena stepped up next and found her choice in an instant.
"That one, born to a teacher. She will have the wisdom I had," she said and then stepped back. Hades was next. He gazed at the darkness families to find his pick.

"That boy, his father is an excellent criminal. He's my pick," he stated.
Hades stepped back into the crowd and the others continued. Zeus picked a boy born to a family with the military, Poseidon picked a boy who lived by the sea, Demeter picked a girl born to farmers, Ares picked a girl born to a family that revolved around war, Hermes's choice was a boy born to thieves, Hephaestus choose a boy born to a blacksmith, and now only Artemas had to choose. She stared at the pool looking for a baby girl to take her place. She passed by babies that grew up on farms, had many pets, lived in the woods, father was a hunter, and parents explored the wilderness. The others were becoming restless. How long before she chose? Apollo opened his mouth to ask if his sister had chosen as she said, "That one. I choose her."

The gods looked to see Artemas's choice. They were shocked by what the goddess had chosen. They looked at each other confused. Artemas saw their looks and she grew angry.

"What is it?' she demanded.
"Well she's an....orphan,' Ares said.
'So? She’s just as good as any of your picks!"
"Artemas, we know nothing about this child, her past, family, personality. For all we know she could hate animals!" Apollo explained.
"Well she's my pick and that's final!" Artemas snapped. She looked at the other gods, challenging them to say anymore.

"Very well Artemas, have it your way," Zeus said and looked at the other gods, "These twelve are chosen to take our place. Although they aren't ready to be told. 16 years, that is how long we must wait before we tell them. Each of you should watch over your pick with great care, these aren't just any children, these are the chosen gods."  

[Fiat Lux Aeterna]

Alright, so you asked us to tell you how to make it "better", so I guess I'll let'cha know what I think would improve this.

Before anything else, all the bolded dialogue really doesn't need to be bolded. I dunno, but that just irritates me. It kinda does this thing where it makes the reader think that the speech is so much more important than any other element of the story, when really, the whole story, all parts of it, should be equally important - imagery, diction, plot, whatever. It should all be important.

Also, you have this written, as I said, with a heavy emphasis on dialogue. Now, I know how you can make this work in your favor aka make this much better without having to go in and re-write the entire sucker. Watch this: make it a script. Easy, right? All you have to do is give stage and set directions, which you have almost already done, and then let it rip with the dialogue!

But, don't forget that when writing a script, you do need to include directions for the actors as well. So, here's like, a quick sample script so you know what the heck I'm talking about.

A Test Script

by nom de plume

Act. 1

It is a dark and stormy night, and BOB, TOM, and RAPHAEL are within the house. Outside, the wind howls, and lightning may be seen through the drawn curtains of the antiquated home. The three men are drinking in the parlour, talking about their most recent conquests, when the door flies open with a bang loud enough to rival the thunder outside.

Enter HENRIETTA and MARLENE

BOB: (with surprise) What are you two sauce-boxes doing here at this time of night?

MARLENE: (determined, but exhausted from travel) I know what you three have done. It's time to fess up, here and now!

RAPHAEL: (aside) This looks like a good time to be going...

Exit RAPHAEL stage left, through drawing-room door

BOB: (haughty) Now, you can't just go and make bold assertions like that witohut any sort of proof or evidence. Say, I wonder where Raphael went...?




Yeah, so you get the idea. It makes your style of writing much more effective. Anyway, if you need more help with writing a script, you probably ought to let a better writer, like one of the moderators, know you want a little hand-up.

Other than what I've already said, I don't really see any huge major problems with this thing.

Oh wait, now I need to go read ch. 1, don't I? Ahh.... If it's written the same way, I'm just gonna post and say reference this post.  

[Memories in the Mist]

Ok I've un-bolded it biggrin  

[Fiat Lux Aeterna]

Yeah, that looks much better.

Do you think you wanna make this into a script, or no?

Also, was there anything in particular that you were thinking of when you asked where we think you might be able to improve?  

[Memories in the Mist]

No there was just a lot of talking in this because of what happened. NAd not really jsut anything.  

[Kasi Karra]

Interesting story. I haven't read the story line for that new movie coming out, "The Lightning Theif" but it sounds similar to this.

I like the idea of the story so far, it's kind of interesting.

I would type out your numbers. So eleven instead of 11, like in the first sentence when you typed out twelve.

Why is Zeus asking what kind of faith? Does he mean fate like Apollo was talking about or is he talking about faith as in a religion?
And then who are the "they" that Apollo speaks of in the next sentence.

Next sentence I would say that the Gods gasped, since people sounds general and mortal.

If Aphrodite's child is going to grow up to be not quite like what Aphrodite wants, maybe add a little emphasise to her slight uncertainty when she chooses Her, because she couldn't find Her.

Does darkness families mean something special or did you mean darkest families?

Question - They're Gods. How can they not know something?!

Yay! I'm enjoying this, so now I'll have to go read chapter 1 smile
I am interested to see how you'll effectively keep 12 main characters smile (along with 12 support characters)