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Reply Writing: Prose
The Chosen Gods-Chapter One

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Memories in the Mist

PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 6:51 pm
The first chapter of the book. Please comment and tell me what I could add and improve on.



The morning light shone through the window of a house. A teenage girl opened her blue eyes. Her brown hair hung down to her shoulders. She stretched and got out of her bed. Quickly, she got dressed and then looked into her mirror.

"Perfect and beautiful, as always," she groaned at the sight of her hair. She walked out of her room and walked down the stairs into the kitchen. Her mother stood at the stove cooking breakfast as she sat down at the table.

"Hey Mom," she said calmly.
"Yes? Adora what is it?" her mom said as she was taking the bread out from the oven. Adora folded her hands in worry about how her mother would take what she was about to say.
"Today is the day I...," Adora started and then turned her head away, "Move."

"You have grown up so fast my little blossom," her mother said and tried to hold back tears. She placed the bread don the table and Adora took a slice. A few minutes later a tall man walked into the kitchen and Adora's mother went over and whispered something to him. His brown eyes began to droop and a few tears trickled down his cheeks.
"We all knew this day would come..." he said in a quiet, almost shattered, voice. Adora finished with her bread and stood up.
"I-I'm going to go pack,' she said and hurried upstairs.

She closed the door and sank to the floor, regretting telling her parents rather than just leaving. She opened her closet and pulled out a pink bag and put all her cloths neatly in. She then took her sheets and shoved them in. She then went into her bathroom and grabbed her toiletry items and put them in a small bag. She zipped it up and shoved it into the larger bag. She pulled the other zipper and, after some struggle, got the larger bag closed. She glanced around her room to make sure she got everything. Her eyes rested on a silver brush on her bedside table, she smiled, and picked it up. She had had it for many years. She had been given it by a stranger when she was born. She put it through her hair once and then looked at the back. The beautiful designs surrounded a small inscription that read, The gods smile upon you. Smiling, she put it in her bag, re-zipped it, and picked it up.

******


The trees blew in the gentle breeze. Everything was still. The animals grazed in a small clearing around a cabin. They were waiting, just waiting. The cabin door slowly opened and the animals raised their heads. A girl at the age of 16 walked out into the fresh morning air. Her long brown hair reached her waist and blew in the breeze. She smiled at the sight of her friends in the clearing.

"Madi! Spartan! Star!" she called. A distance sound of hoof beats grew louder and louder until three horses galloped into the clearing and toward the girl. The largest one, a liver chestnut, stood in front of the girl and nuzzled her chest.

"Oh Madi, you silly girl! You know what I have! Don't ya? Don't ya!' she said and pulled out three carrots. She gave the three horses each one and petted Madi. She moved to the mare's left side and mounted up. She bent down and hugged the mare's neck. She closed her eyes and thought about her life. Se had been passed from foster home to foster home for 14 years but no one seemed to want to keep her. Was it because of the way animals were always around the house or did they just not want her? Snap out of it Alex! If one had kept you then you would of never moved out here! Alex sighed, but she knew that was right. Last year she had finally convinced her supervisor to let her go on her own. She had found the cabin a month before it became official and moved in right away. Surprisingly, it was already furnished and filled with books and tools she would need.

She opened her brown eyes and the wind began to pick up. She sat up and grabbed Madi's long mane. She tightened her legs and urged her into a gallop. the mare took off at full speed toward the town. Alex had never felt comfortable around people, but who knows, things could change! As she rode on the wind whispered in her ear, The spirit of the wild runs with you.

******


16 year old Akira Anderson placed the last of her cloths into her duffel bag. A soft knock came on her door.

"Come in, it's open," she said. Her mother opened the door and walked in.
"Since you're leaving today I thought I'd give you something," she said and handed Akira a soccer ball and a book. Akira smiled at the gifts and hugged her mother. Her mother burst into tears as Akira hugged her.

"Don't worry I'll visit, and thanks for the gifts," Akira said and gave her mom one last hug before she left for work. Akira watch her drive down the street from her window and then went back to finish packing. Carefully, she put the gifts in he bag. A few tears trickled down her face, but she wiped them away. She picked up her necklace in the shape of an owl, and put it on.

She grabbed her bag and started downstairs. She pushed open the front door and walked out into the sun light. She smiled and touched her necklace. Suddenly, she felt something on the back of it. She turned it over and looked at the back. May my wisdom be with you, it read. Akira smiled and continued walking.

******


Demitri grabbed his bag and headed out of his room and into the kitchen. His parents sat at the table. His father was reading the paper, and his mother was cooking breakfast.

"Aww, my baby's growing up and leave his poor old parents?" his mother cooed jokingly. He could tell she had been crying, her eyes were terribly bloodshot and her nose was still running. She walker over to him and pinched his cheek. "You've grown so much..." with that Demitri was caught in a tight hug. His father put the paper down, walked over to them, and put an arm around his son's shoulder.

"Be careful, Charis. You might suffocate him before he even gets out the door." he joked and slipped something into his son's pocket with out him noticing. After a few tearful goodbyes, he walked out the door and down the street without looking back. Just then did he notice something in his pocket. Pulling it out, a shiny rock with an inscription; The music sings for you.

******


Damon looked around his small room. His pictures were off the walls, his bed stripped of sheets, and all his cloths in his bag. He sighed, today was the day. The start of a whole new adventure. He was ready, he knew he was. He walked out of his room and down the hall to the front door. He hoped his mother was still asleep so he could just get out with out having to break the news to her.

"So you are going?" a voice asked. Damon spun around and saw his mother standing in the doorway to the kitchen.
"Yes Ma, it's time," he replied.
"I'll miss you Damon!" she cried and hugged him.
"Me too. Tell Dad I said bye."
"I will my little goldfish! As soon as his ship docks," she said and kissed him on the forehead.
“Ma!”
"Sorry, sorry. Good luck sweetie! And if you ever need to come home or if it was too soon our door is always open," she said.
"Ma! I'll be fine! Please stop worrying." Damon said and pulled away from his mother. He opened the door, waved, and then closed the door behind him.

The salty air greeted him as he walked down the path toward town. Here I come world! He walked down to toe beach and sat in the sand. He closed his eyes and listened to the ocean.A shell touched his hand as it was pushed up by a wave. Damon looked down at the shell. It was a perfect shell. Nothing was broken what so ever. He picked it up and saw some writing on it. He looked at it and read out loud to himself, The water will always guild you. He put the shell in his pocket and started toward the town.  
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 8:19 pm
Yeah, that's just what I thought. Check out my comments on the prologue, then cut and paste what I said to that one to this one.  

Fiat Lux Aeterna


Kasi Karra
Crew

PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 12:42 pm
You have a couple of sections that sounds like checklists. Example - when Adora is packing you use a lot of "She then" "and then".

You have a couple of minor spelling errors scattered through out your piece that if you read the story allowed I'm sure you'ld find them.

I'm a little bummed that all of the characters are turning out to be almost exactly like the gods themselves. I was almost hoping for a little twist where maybe the orphan didn't like animals or Damon couldn't swim or something of that matter.

The other thing I'm confused on is why did you only mention five of the twelve characters in this chapter?  
PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 12:59 pm
Thank you for your comments.

For one thing I only mentioned 5 is thta the others come in later during the story. And as the story goes on I hope you;ll be able to see thta the kids are a little different form their god.  

Memories in the Mist


Fiat Lux Aeterna

PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 10:33 pm
I dunno about list-making. If you remember from any classical stuff, like the Illiad, there's all sorts of lengthy descriptions of who was who's father's father's father, and then what they did on a certain day of the year that somehow made some maiden fall with them, then how their babies grew up and had their own kids which then became the character they're actually talking about, or like the lengthy histories of each weapon, like who forged in for who, and how it was used in these battles, then lost for a few hundred years, and then the story of how some people found it again and sold it to the person that the guy bought it from...

It just goes on. So if you really wanted to stay true to that kind of writing about classical history, you could totally just make your lists ridiculously in-depth and several pages long, you know, just for kicks or whatever. I'm sure somebody other than me would laugh at how awesome that would be. Eh, but maybe not. Kasi Karra's probably better at editing and stuff than I am, so you probably ought to listen to her.  
PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:10 am
You give great advice to. (Like I never rembmered much from the Illiad and that stuff, so I didn't know about that list making stuff)
And it's always good to get multiple opinions smile  

Kasi Karra
Crew

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Writing: Prose

 
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