Growing Up Gay

[Iakun]

Is a nightmare. Well, not as much for me as it is and has been for others, but it has been hard. Things were a lot more innocent when I was younger. I knew I was different but I didn't know how. Looking back now, wearing the pink tutu and playing house in kindergarten is such a dead give away. xd But things grew particularly darker as time went by. As I got older I started to realize more and more how I was different and really started to realize how the world largely perceived people like me.

In highschool I was teased relentlessly for being effeminate, or having a girly voice or whatever. Boys were something I grew to both love and despise all at once. They are what I'm attracted to and yet they have also been the cruelest people in my life. But this isn't meant to be an attack on the male sex. Men and women alike are guilty of homophobia. Where does this unrest come from? Is it fear of the unknown? Whatever it is, it manifests into such hate. When did it become okay to harass another person to the point they want to kill themselves, and just for them being different? (not that I want to kill myself, but a lot of people do get to that point)

As I got out of highschool, I became aware of the debate of equal marriage rights for gays and this is when I became fully aware of how the world views gays. I couldn't believe heterosexuals though they had this monopoly over unions. Religiously I understood, and I felt for religious gays because it would be hard for them. But legally I felt it shouldn't matter. If you love someone so much, you shouldn't be stopped just because your partner is the same sex as you.

Many men and women force themselves into fake heterosexual relationships just to fit what's normal. Those relationships almost always result in disaster. A friend of a friend of mine, I believe, is falling into that very trap. We can't compare this to ***** or beastiality. These are 2 consenting human adults. It may be called unnatural, but when I think a man is attractive, or when I was 16 and felt I was falling in love with another boy, it felt anything but unnatural.

But there's always this fear, even in a growingly accepting society. Matthew Shephard is a very famous case. He was gay, and was taken out to the middle of nowhere, tied to a fence and beaten to death, all for being gay.

I really have no idea where I was going with this. I guess I'm just always amazed at that fact that everyone has their differences, but some people react so extremely to those differences. I wish those doing the hurting would realize just how their victims feel.  

[Tybarious]

I'm sorry for your troubles. While I don't agree with homosexuality, I do tolerate it and I do believe people do have to right to live their life they choose to.  

[purpleravenhawk]

Psychologically speaking, I think homophobia ties into one of my fave quotes: "Man hates most that which he once loved." Misogynistic men hate women for the very reason that they are so drawn to them, either by attraction or a feeling of camaraderie. Boys are taught at a young age to distance themselves both from their emotions and from girls, who are thought to be more emotional than boys. This is a hard thing for a little boy still attached to his mother's apron strings or an older sister. For these men, hurting a woman is a way of trying to get rid of that part of themselves that they view as weak.

I think some people fear and hate homosexuality because it reminds them how much alike all humans are and how easy it is to love someone that society tells you not to. For men, it reminds them how attached they were to their male friends, even though the world tells them those feelings are bad and too emotional for a man. Women are taught that men are inherently unemotional, and to see homosexuality bringing out male emotions is like a slap in the face to women who have tried for years to make their men connect to them. On top of that, people like to exclude other people; it makes them feel better about themselves. Homosexuality reminds people that men and woman aren't really all that different from one another in the end.

If people would only stop and think about WHY they feel the way they feel, this world would be a much better place.

I won't say I know what you've been through. I'm bi myself and female, so that makes it easier for me. If I show interest in a man, people assume I'm straight. If I show interest in a woman, people either say "oh, it's just a faze" or start thinking about threesomes. It's automatically more acceptable for a woman to experiment because of her presumed emotionality. But I've still never told my parents cuz they are hyper-religious and both have heart conditions. And since I'm not looking for a relationship right now, it's not that big a deal to me. But I sympathize anyway. It's easier for some than others, but it takes an emotional toll on everyone. It took me years to really get to know myself and figure out who and what I was. And I still wish I could talk about it with everyone, but I can't unless I want to ostracize myself.  

[Iakun]

Wow... that was honestly really interesting and kind of disturbing. The way society has things set up with all its expectations kinda makes it easy for a lot of people not to fit the "norm".

Bisexuals aren't taken seriously even by a lot of people in the gay community. I find it funny how the glbt community is in such conflict. Many people have a thing against transexuals and bisexuals despite the fact we're all different in a similar manner.

There are times I hate being a feminine gay guy. As if it weren't bad enough to have to deal with the rude types of straight people, but half the gay community thinks of feminine gays as a pathetic joke as well.

There are a lot of theories as to why we are the way we are: choice, hormonal changes in the womb, genetics, environment and upbringing. Attraction isn't a choice. The acts are. This is important to me because these discussions are about the way we naturally feel, not so much on how we act on it.

The scientific community recognizes there are various influences. I don't know about hormonal changes in the womb, or gene combos but I can say that as far as my upbringing goes, I didn't have a lot of strong male influences. In school I also always befriended girls. But there are tons of gay guys who don't grow up with these major female influences in their lives. I honestly think there are different causes for different people which can play into a person's genetic predisposition for developing homosexual, and their environment.  

[purpleravenhawk]

It's true. We're all set up to fail at something, whether it's sexuality, religion, education, appearance, etc. Everybody's weird in some way; some are just better at expending the energy it takes to become or appear "normal."

Ah, more exclusion. Yes, even those who are excluded feel the need to exclude others. Maybe bisexuals and transexuals remind all the normal gays how different they are, and that makes them angry. I suppose half the gay community thinks feminine gays make them look bad. Either way, we're dealing with a lot of self-hate, self-doubt, and a lot of people uncomfortable or uncertain with who they are.

I subscribe to the combination theory. I think everything influences who and what we become. After all, every little thing you've ever done has led to the point you are at in your life right now. It's funny when you think about it. We all started out as exactly the same thing: a tiny fertilized egg. In fact, those hormonal changes are what made you male; initially, all embryos start out as female. Then, your genes determine certain characteristics. Then, you're born, and your environment and upbringing determine the choices that are available to you and how you make them. And hormonal changes throughout your life affect you, too. Sexuality is one of the most flexible biological issues. There isn't just straight, gay, and bi. There's a hundred different variations that can change depending on where you are in your life at that time. If a person has the "gay gene", or whatever, there are a hundred other things that are going to affect them. They might be gay, they might be bi, they might be straight, they might be gay with straight tendencies.

I think it would help everyone if we would all remember that human beings are not statues. We do not become something and then stay that way for the rest of our lives. Not only do our bodies change on the outside, they change on the inside, and we change as people. It's a process that is part of being alive. And if that means that one day the jock with homophobia wakes up one day and realizes that he's attracted to the guy in the cubicle across from him, that should be okay. I just hope that someday it will be.

I don't think it's fair to criticize you for being feminine. I think gender roles need a serious overhaul. What about the straight guys who are feminine? If they really like women, there shouldn't be any question about it, but there always is. What about women who are masculine? I'm in between; I'm not butch, but I've been told too many times that I act like a man sometimes. You'll never see me in girly clothes or putting on makeup, or doing practically anything that's considered feminine. But I don't feel like a man. Maybe I don't feel girly, but I'm not interested in a sex change. I'm too old to be called a tomboy, and there's no reason I should have to be stuffed into such a role. I'm just me, and I'd like people to just move on at this point. I wish we could just BE. Without all the questions and judgments and objections.

Did I go off-topic? Sorry, sometimes I just get going. I guess you hit an important subject for me. sweatdrop  

[Iakun]

No I don't think you went off topic lol

It's really interesting and I think that I agree with you about every possible aspect affecting how we turn out. As far as femininity goes, I think I feel similar to you. Physically I'm male but really, most often I don't feel very masculine. I almost always feel more feminine. If I were a girl I know for sure I'd be wearing pretty dresses and makeup and gettin' mah hair did. xd (actually I do get mah hair did.. lol)

This stuff isn't ok for men though. At best you'll be called metrosexual. At worst, you're labeled gay even if you aren't. My family is old-fashioned, and from Europe. I remember the first time I dyed my hair platinum blonde. Not just that, I go the whole nine yards, lightening my brows just a bit to match. My grandma practically bashed me for doing something "womanly". It's amazing how all these random things we can do in life have been neatly filed away under "manly" and "womanly" categories.

Sometimes I do wonder how I'm allowing my inner feelings to come out. I've pushed the boundaries (as far as my family goes) with allowing my hair to grow longer, dying it blonde. My sister even called me a blonde bimbo once. But I'd never crossdress or become transexual.

I can understand how a lot of gays don't like us femmes because we make them look bad to the "normal" world. But we're still gay just like them and we shouldn't get shafted.

I'll admit, it still bothers me when straight people are bothered by the fact that I'm gay. It's like, logically I know not everyone is going to accept it, but it really hits you because sexuality is such a core aspect of the human being. That's a pretty big chunk for, say, a friend not to accept. There will be an important side of you that will forever be gross to them. They also won't look too wonderfully upon your romantic relationships in life. I'm amazed at people who are gay and are friends with those strongly opposed to homosexuality. More power to them I guess. (now I'm the one who doesn't know where they're going with this)

edit: Funny thing about gender roles. I have some contradicting ideas. I'd love for people to stop organizing things as masculine and feminine, but in a relationship I know I'd take on a very feminine role.  

[purpleravenhawk]

Lol, I've never gotten mah hair did. xd It seems to be an ancient practice to separate things by gender, tho. So many languages separate nouns by calling them feminine or masculine. How weird is that?

I'm not sure I understand people who are gay and are friends with those strongly opposed to homosexuality, either. Maybe they just don't consider it an important part of their lives. Or maybe they're afraid of being lonely. Or maybe they just feel too attached to their friend to break it off. I don't know.

Lol, that's not so bad. You can like something without caring what category it comes from. If you were feminine in a world with no gender roles at all, you'd just be you.  

[Iakun]

Never got your hair did? Guuuurl I'ma did your hair up real nice, just you watch. mrgreen  

[purpleravenhawk]

Squee! whee  

[purpleravenhawk]

This topic is pretty much fini, but I needed somewhere to rant for just a moment. One of my coworkers is bi, and one of my other coworkers said today, "People like that are just confused." It made me so mad that such an old-fashioned notion could come out of the mouth of someone that I actually liked. I told her about flexible sexuality and tried to explain that bi people are not "just confused." But she didn't really listen or take it seriously, and now I'm mad and sad. gonk I couldn't help but take it personally, being bi myself. But I couldn't say, "Well, I'm bi, and I'm not confused." She would've listened even less. *kicks people in the head*  

[Iakun]

Even within the glbt community, bisexuality isn't taken completely seriously by some. Sexuality is flexible to an extent, and not for everyone. Anyone of any sexuality can be confused, it's just part of figuring yourself out.

For the most part, we know how we work and it's hard to imagine being in someone else's shoes with this "alien" sexuality. I don't think I'd even call it fear, it's just not knowing how to approach or deal with the unknown.

Also, even the people we like the most we'll disagree with. Just a fact of life. lol  

[purpleravenhawk]

Lol, you're right. *sigh* It just made me mad at the time.