Welcome to Gaia! ::

Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

Back to Guilds

This is a writer's guild where all can gather for feedback and advice on all mediums of writing. Plus it's a great place for conversation. 

Tags: Writing, Writer, Writer's Block, Critiques, Friends 

Reply Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild
The Ghost Story (A Short Story)

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit


RandiTrigger


PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 2:37 pm
This one was written January 9th, 2010. Once again, it was edited and revised today.

To put it on a timeline for those who remember Luke, it was written 20 days before Luke.

This one is about 800 words, so it's about half the length of Luke.

Enjoy!
---------
The lights danced as a girl and a boy walked blissfully on the streets, music bustling from the buildings and clubs around them. Enjoying their time, couples and bachelors paced them down the crowded street, radiant sunset giving the beachside acceptance of its remaining warmth and shelter, giving way to the moon that was soon to come. Idle gossiping and mutterings surrounded the boy and girl, the two bathing in the moment, the glimpse of time of where they were. Fluttering emotions and loosely placed hands fill the air as the two romantically stroll, inhaling the sweet aroma of each others company, never dreaming they could grasp hold of such happiness.

With one next to the other, a dark thought not dare fly across their minds, for in that tranquility no reminder could intrude. The darkened shadows concealed themselves, hidden in obscurity, and neither the boy or the girl, had they the desire, could raid the confines of their memory and discover what it was that ate at their subconscious; something so horrid that in every empty breath it was made apparent and in each closing of the eyes was its image still there.

But it no longer made any difference, for when they were together life in its entirety melted away, becoming a smudge of a paintbrush, and flowing away where nothing remained except the others eyes, along with the love they felt. Steeping on toes, the young girl raised herself to kiss his lips, something that for the both of them was so sacred that seldom did they do it. And at the very glimpse it happened, all that was within them was a soul, stripped down of all of life's hard turbulence, and made pure once again.

So entirely difficult was it for them to depart, and so awful was the torment of having to separate. Most frequently the couple would delay, stall, and procrastinate for as long as they could for the final words of good-bye. It was too painful for the two; it felt as though it were a feat neither of them could ever overcome. It was only when it was absolutely mandatory that the two parted ways. With great regret and anguish, their final touch was at their fingertips.

Leaving each others sight brought upon the haze that plagued minds, where previously they would have not been able to intrude.

The boy started his car and with bitter resentment put on the face he wore at all other times he wasn't around his love.

The girl hopped up the stairway of her house and once in her room the draft emptied her heart of any sensation that remain.

Fists clenched and grimace on, the boy walked into his apartment and opened his schedule book. Lined within there were nameless numbers of those he had never met. He regulated on a strictly business style.

The girl puckered her lips and laced the mask that she would have to wear for the wreckage of her occupation. The clock acted as the hour glass of her demise; it ticked away and with each second it came that much closer to her dreaded occupation.

The boy attempted to think of his beauty, but the matter at hand took too much precedence. Picking up the receiver, the boy prepared for the call that the recipient should be awaiting.

A helpless tear slid down her once-glowing cheek, and the girl checked the time. While thinking of her boy, the phone of her house cried out a shrill; the judgment day was at hand.

The boy heard the receiver pick up and he said into the plastic "The client will be at the train station. Be there by 11." He hung up the phone without waiting for an answer; he did not care what the harlot on the other end had to say. He silently wished that he could be with his love again.

The girl set the phone down without a word and checked the mirror before she left. Glaring back at her was the image of a girl she honestly wasn't. She felt tears well up in her eyes and she took a deep breath. "If only he knew me for who I really am" she thought, "Would he accept me?" She checked her watch, the ever-watching eye, and left her house.

The boy took a mouth full of foul liquid, so as to drown any pain he could of possibly of felt. His profession was his greatest nemesis, and his employees were the ones he despised the most. "She would hate who I am. She would despise me." A glimpse of his love flashed his sight, and he took another drink.

The girl walked in the night, the crescent moon watching over her, promising a safe journey. Until she would be within sight of anyone of significance, she would wear her hatred on her sleeve, for those who commanded over her, were the ones she abhors.  
PostPosted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 12:40 pm
I like the premise. It's a bit hard to reconcile that this seems very unlikely that it could actually happen, but it's a story after all and it was quite good.

There were some issues with changing tenses that detracted from the story. Check it over and make sure everything's in the same tense.

So entirely difficult was it for them to depart, and so awful was the torment of having to separate.
Although it's technically a complete sentence, this read like a fragment to me. I had to read it a couple times before I understood it.
 

Spastic waffles
Captain


iiCookehMonstur

PostPosted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 6:25 pm
I pretty much agree with Waffles. The tense changing bugged me, which made it hard to concentrate on the story itself. Ignoring that, it was a very interesting story line.  
PostPosted: Sat Apr 03, 2010 2:32 am
I'd have to agree with the other two. The tense changing was annoying, but it's easily fixed, and there were a couple of overly wordy sentences. Otherwise, I liked the way the story flicked between the two characters and slowly revealed what was going on (I'll admit, I'm a sucker for dramatic irony). The contrasting ways they behaved when together and apart was also really well done.  

charbookwyrm

Reply
Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum