Dark Guardian Blazerine (Online Chapter Book)

[DarkGuardianBlazerine]

Hey guys, I don't know if this is against the rules or not. Sorry if it is. You can delete this right away.

I'm trying to write a book, but I been posting it in a blog that I made on a site. Can anyone here read it and tell me if its worth going on to contiune the story? It's not done though. I'm posting the chapters after I finish them.

www.darkguardianblazerine.com  

[Kasi Karra]

I moved this to the writing razz rose section, but I'm not entirely sure if it should go here.
And your story would be alot easier to critique if you posted it in a thread instead of linking it to a website.

I just critiqued the prologue (forgive me if I spell names wrong or paraphrase)

It sounds interesting so far. There are times when you give roo much irrelevant information and other times when you give create detail to situations.

For example, at the beginning stating A woman named Blazerine sat up. When Blazerine sat up would be fine.
but I do like how the wooden floor boards creaked and the vanity mirror stood across the room.

Sentences usually don't begin with But, and the sentence after it is a fragment that doesn't make a ton of sense on its own.

It's cool that you gave us a total description of the character, but is that entirely necessary? Do we need to know exactly what she looks like, or would it be fine to leave a little to the imagination?

I was a little confused the first time I read it. Is this story taking place in our time period (2010ish) and she's reflecting that she's from the future or is this taking place during another time period?

Is Roswell, New Mexico really that significant in so much that it would make that situation ironic?


Overall your story is interesting in that I want to read more (when I have time), but you do have quite a few fragments in your story that need to be cleaned up.

There are times also when you say something confusing in the beginning and then go back and clear things up later, which is all right, but it can't be a constant habitual thing in a story. (There are a lso a couple places where you don't clear it up)  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Roswell is the site of Area 51 (Wiki). I concur with the sentiment expressed by Kasi, but would like to add one additional datum.

You have employed italicization extensively, to the point where 4/5 of the presentation is in italics. I suggest altering your structural choice to allow for the entire piece to be the character's thoughts, so that there is no need to italicize such an unwieldy amount of text.