[REVISED]Dead Nights, comment?(:

[Deceived Truth]

Hidden deep within the forest, her slender scaly body crouches low behind a bush. With the moon also hidden behind a passing cloud, darkness reigns over the land, making it easier for her to blend in with the night and see clearly through her glistening red eyes. Soon the musty fog surrounds the ground, but also high enough to hide her. She hears the sounds of crinkling leaves and laughter not too far away and the scent of human blood is becoming strong, stronger than she could imagine. Her aquiline nose sniffs the air. She smiles to herself devilishly. Two for the price of one She thinks in her mind.

The creature's craving increases rapidly upon hearing their heart beats grow louder and louder as they nearly approach her. She licks her plump lips after seeing that they are defenseless against her. Preparing for an attack, silently but swiftly, she changes her position behind a tree. She lets her nails grow longer and sharper, like blades that can cut into anything. Letting her only meal for the night pass her shortly, she spreads outs her wings and pushes herself off the ground.

Her fluttering wings cause both men to turn around. Before any of them can mutter a word, she swoops below and catches the first man by digging her claws all the way into his heart. She smashes him roughly against a tree for an instant death. She releases the dead man and turns back around for the second catch. He is already running towards the exit of the forest, but she laughs evilly at how stupid he is. This time the creature catches the second man from behind. She drops him from high above the air and descend lower to the ground after him. The second man is choking out blood which usually is a sign that his life is close to death. A puddle of his own blood surrounds him and she hovers above him with another nasty grin. She bends besides him and her slithering tongue barely touches the puddle. His blood tastes so sweet and delectable she could no longer contain her hunger and she slashes his chest open. With his heart still beating, the creature viciously jerks his heart out and places it upon her lips. She kisses it before devouring it like a monstrous beast.

The creature then hears other noises coming from the other side of the forest. She senses many of the towns’ people heading her way. She quickly wipes off the blood from her lips and hides behind another tree where she shape shifts back to her human form.

“Lena!” The creature hears her human name being call by a recognizable voice.

In her head, she counts to ten and then reveals her from the tree with forced tears running down her cheek. . “Mother! It was horrible! Horrible, I tell you!” She runs in her mother’s arm.

“Oh thank heavens you’re alright! Come now, we mustn’t stay for long or else she’ll come back for more.” Her mother comforts her and leads her out the forest.

She glances back to where the remaining people stay back who might as well prepare for his burial. Her only thoughts: She's hungry for more and she has one more dead man's heart to consume.  

[clm640]

It sounds really great. I like all the gorey details (don't ask me why. I just like to read about blood and gore sometimes.), but maybe you should describe more of what she is or what she looks like. All I know is that she has long claws, red eyes, and she somehow has wings. I hope this helps and that I'm not being too mean.

 

[Deceived Truth]

clm640

It sounds really great. I like all the gorey details (don't ask me why. I just like to read about blood and gore sometimes.), but maybe you should describe more of what she is or what she looks like. All I know is that she has long claws, red eyes, and she somehow has wings. I hope this helps and that I'm not being too mean.

No, it does help.
The only reason why I vaguely describe her is because I haven't decided what she is yet. ><; I'll be revising it soon and add more detail(:
And thanks!  

[clm640]

Your welcome.  

[Cognitive Atrophy]

Probably not something I would continue reading just out of personal preference.

You didn't misspell any words from what I read. I might have missed something, but I usually notice misspellings. I did notice in a few places, however, that you changed from present tense to past tense. Though, you did keep the feel to present tense for most of the introduction. There are a few things that could be improved as far as grammar and punctuation, as well as the general flow of the sentences into each other. There are a few words that should be capitalized.

Of course, if this is a first draft, it's pretty good. Haha! I give it 6/10. I hope I am not being rude. I know my writing isn't perfect and neither is anyone else's. Keep writing though!

In short, proof read more thoroughly. I have a chapter story up and feel free to scrutinize it. Hehehe.  

[Deceived Truth]

Acoustic Chick2

Probably not something I would continue reading just out of personal preference.

You didn't misspell any words from what I read. I might have missed something, but I usually notice misspellings. I did notice in a few places, however, that you changed from present tense to past tense. Though, you did keep the feel to present tense for most of the introduction. There are a few things that could be improved as far as grammar and punctuation, as well as the general flow of the sentences into each other. There are a few words that should be capitalized.

Of course, if this is a first draft, it's pretty good. Haha! I give it 6/10. I hope I am not being rude. I know my writing isn't perfect and neither is anyone else's. Keep writing though!

In short, proof read more thoroughly. I have a chapter story up and feel free to scrutinize it. Hehehe.

Yes. thank you for that(: I shall revise it soon(:  

[daddylatrell]

I enjoyed it!
It's very thrilling and hooks the reader.
I would definitely pick up a copy if it was published.
Nice job!

 

[Deceived Truth]

simperson

I enjoyed it!
It's very thrilling and hooks the reader.
I would definitely pick up a copy if it was published.
Nice job!

Haha, thank you(:  

[daddylatrell]

No problem!

 

[Miss_Comet]

Woah! I really like this! It's super haunting and dark. I am definately interested in following this story  

[Cognitive Atrophy]

lol everyone liked it but me. xDDD  

[Deceived Truth]

@Miss_Commet: Thanks(: I'll have a second one up shortly.

@Acoustic Chick2: Haha, it's all good. Everyone has their opinion(:  

[Kimmi1994]

I loved your story!!! I have to agree with Acoustic Chick on the flow a little bit. But it was your first draft and I found it beautifully gory and evil!  

[Cassandrahaven]

Well, this is the second time I've tried to read this. The first time I couldn't get through more then a sentence or two. This time I made myself read the whole thing and I'm glad. It's very good. I love the desrciption. Yes, they are right. You do need to figure out what 'Lena' looks like. And when the mother refers to 'her' then use a name. It doesn't matter what it is. Go ahead and make one up. It's YOUR book. You have all control. Come up with a Docter Suess like name for all I care.

But anyway, I don't care about spelling errors. I make them all the time. Also, I didn't notice grammar errors. Normally I catch them but maybe I slipped or maybe there aren't any? Any major ones at least. Third thing is that the whole tense thing? Don't freak too much about that one. I do it a lot to. It takes a lot of effort to pay attention to that kind of thing. You just need to go through and proof read it a lot to get them all. Having many people point it out also helps. That's how I'm learning. My teachers hate me for doing that.

One more paragraph of comments and I'll leave you be...for now. xD Anyway, I know I'm gonna say this a lot on people's stories, but my problem is if it doesn't catch my attention right from the begining I won't even try. Maybe the first two sentences could be her killing the men and then you go back and lead do the events before hand? Yes I realize this might be difficult but I know there are ways to do that sort of thing even though none of them are coming to mind at the moment.

 

[Pann-yu]

It might be personal preference, but I would avoid starting something with descriptions of the setting. It's boring and doesn't really encourage the reader to keep on reading. >_o Otherwise, I do like it. I'm not a big fan of this kind of story, but it certainly isn't bad. I like the blood and gore part. :>