Words

[Riasto]

A Plea By Riasto

Looking down,
So steadily,
A word, a plea,
Muttered she:

"Why dost thou,"
She stuttered about,
"Make me frown,
And cry, and pout?

When in thy bed,
In cool night breeze,
Think ahead,
'Who do I please?'

When not a one,
Comes to your mind,
When day doth come,
Please, be more kind."

---

Can anyone critique this for the flow, and the scheme? Does it sound stilted, or does it flow smoothly? Thank you smile  

[Enchanted Seduction]

I like it! It reminds me of Shakespeare's writing. I also think it flowed nicely(:  

[Riasto]

Thanks for your feedback! And yes, I like that style of writing, I think the antique feel of the words is nice 3nodding  

[daddylatrell]

Very descriptive and Shakespearish, yes!
I could never follow is stories, but this one is blunt! 4laugh

 

[Priestess of Sekhmet]

Looking down,
So steadily,
A word, a plea,
Muttered she: ((Love it so far, good snappy intro. Very airy and flows like wind over a raven's wing! biggrin ))

"Why dost thou,"
She stuttered about,
"Make me frown,
And cry, and pout? ((Okay, good, but I'm not sure if this is supposed to be serious or not. The language is sweet and cute, but the message seems...darker?))

When in thy bed,
In cool night breeze,
Think ahead,
'Who do I please?' ((Woah, very poignant and lovely wording. Beautifully done.))

When not a one,
Comes to your mind,
When day doth come,
Please, be more kind."

((Love it overall, flows very well and clear voice. The wording is a strong contrast with the message, but I like that. Awesome!!))  

[Riasto]

Thank you for your review! I'm so glad you liked it!