Part of a novel

[lucyVUITTON]

I'm writing a novel right now, and I was wondering if any one knows how to make this story better?

“Okay,” Beckah murmured, rolling over in her soft, plush bed. “Maybe I can’t get sleep.” She turned over onto her back, and looked up at the pale salmon pink ceiling of her room, and sighed heavily. Perhaps Derick was right; it wasn’t because of her, as he said, obsessing over how she looks. Glancing at her lavender clock, she sighed yet again. Two hours. It had been two hours that she rested in her bed, trying to get some slumber. She grabbed her bright lime green therapy pillow, and squeezed it as tight as she could.
Oh, yes. That therapy pillow contained many memories. She had got it from her sister, when she was seven. Her room as a child was a bit brighter compared to her current tranquil pink and purple setting, since she had just move dout of that room to her very own house. The pillow had blended right in with her room, but now it was like a rock star out in your everyday grocery store. It just didn’t fit in. She had thought about dying it pink, but she decided against it, for it may hurt her younger sister’s feelings.
The nineteen year old rolled over, and pulled the covers up to her chin. “Damn,” she said quit loudly, covering her eyes with the soft quilt. Possibly she could take some sleep medicine, and sleep like a baby. Wait, Beckah thought, All of them have some chance of dependency. I really don’t want that. Okay, so no sleep medicine. “Ugh,” she mumbled, throwing the sheets off of her, and slowly standing up, rubbing her eyes. She walked over to her vanity, and looked down at all of the make-up. Eye shadow, foundation, mascara, hairspray, lip gloss, and lip stick were scattered around on the surface. Any tint or shade of make-up you can think of, it was right there on her rosy vanity. She sat down, and finally gave in. Beckah clutched a tube of shiny clear lip gloss, and uncapped it, applying it on her lips. She figured she mine as well work on her appearance if she was going to stay up all night long.
Derick’s words still rang through her ears as she put on some thick mascara. “Some thing’s wrong with you, Beckah. You think it’s because you need to get ready for the next day, but you’re wrong. Dead wrong. Some thing’s strange about this, Beckah. Just try to get to sleep normally tonight; I dare you. You won’t. You can’t.”  

[Susan Salt]

Its interesting how the theme of colors that runs through this part, but do you plan to keep it up for the whole novel? Is are bright colors going to be all around Beckah when she's depressed, and dull grays all around when she's happy? I have lots of questions now, so thats good, right? More?  

[lucyVUITTON]

Susan Salt

Its interesting how the theme of colors that runs through this part, but do you plan to keep it up for the whole novel? Is are bright colors going to be all around Beckah when she's depressed, and dull grays all around when she's happy? I have lots of questions now, so thats good, right? More?

I just made the story a bit clearer, could you perhaps read it again and then tell me what you think? sweatdrop confused  

[Spastic waffles]

Erm...

I think there may be a bit TOO much mention of colours, unless there is a specific reason for it, which is going to become clear later or something.  

[Oukow]

I think it's good, you made me be able to understand how the character feels about not being able to sleep. It made me think back to all the times I couldn't get sleep. and also about looking good 3nodding and just have one thing to say to Beckah, if you don't get sleep you're gonna get those tired eyes and then you'll worry more about your looks! gonk  

[Susan Salt]

OK, I looked up my notes from my Creative Writing class, and here are some gimmick-y suggestions.

1. Instead of describing the setting yourself, make one of your characters describe it.

2. Instead of saying, "she remembered he said…" write the scene where he actually says it. Something interestimg might heppen.

3. Instead of using adjective directly, use them indirectly. For example, "He touched the sticky blue paint, and got it on his fingers" could become "He touched the paint, and the sticky blue came off on his fingers."

Does this help? Or maybe you don't want to write like that.  

[Kattie]

Mmm...I agree that you describe colors too much. It's a bit strange to me, since we get to know how her room looks like and not Beckah herself. sweatdrop The novel might be interesting, though. Working on one's appearance in the middle of the night? I'd say Beckah needs a therapy... sweatdrop  

[Song of the Pheonix]

I actually kind of like the colors... it needs a little work but I like it smile  

[Elf of the Shadows]

I like it. I agree with Spastic, a little too many colors. You should try to add different details, that doesn't include so many colors. But I like it!