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This is a writer's guild where all can gather for feedback and advice on all mediums of writing. Plus it's a great place for conversation. 

Tags: Writing, Writer, Writer's Block, Critiques, Friends 

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Kuro Ageha (Black Butterfly)

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Kattie

PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 3:47 am
They haven't seen each other for a long time, a couple of years. Her, him and a couple of other people were an inseparable bunch in their high school years. Then they took different paths. After some time the contact disappeared almost completely.

She changed during these couple of years. In the past, despite her gothic image, she probably was the most cheerful person in the group. Incessantly, one could think, smiling, always trying to amuse other people. She seemed to be always looking at the world optimistically. Only in her drawings one could from time to time see more negative emotions that she didn't show in any other way.

Now, however, she looked like one of lost angels she told the rest of the group about in the past. She lost much weight, dyed her beautiful red hair black, the sleeves of a black shirt covered her palms and a black skirt reached her ankles.

She looked at him with empty eyes, in which cheerful sparkles were always shining in the past. If she didn't bow her head a little to greet him and a shadow smile didn't appear on her emotionless face, he would think that she didn't recognize him. He himself couldn't speak a word for a while.
"You changed so much...", he said finally.
"Time passes, people change", she replied in a flat voice.

They went for some tea. They were talking about this and that. Once or twice he managed to amuse her enough to make the same sparkles as the ones from the past show up in her eyes shyly. He was intrigued what happened to her, so he asked. She was silent for a while, looking at the cup she was holding in her hands.
"That's simple", she said finally and sipped some tea, "Once again there was noone by my side when I needed help. Once again people were gossiping about me, not paying attention that I was standing by them and hearing everything. Once again nobody told them to stop. This once was once too much", she said and turned her eyes away. "Usually...Usually I could help myself, but sometimes even I need help that I didn't get", she added, looking outside through a window.

As she was sitting like that, deep in thoughts about who-knows-what, he noticed a brooch made of black feathers, a butterfly with ragged wings, pinned to her shirt.
"Tell me...", he talked down, what pulled her out of her thoughtfulness, "Do you still draw?"
"Yes...but more sing and play keyboard. I perform in smaller clubs. They call me...", her eyes shone in a strange way, "...Kuro Ageha."


That's one of my short stories. I wrote it in April. So...tell me what you think? sweatdrop  
PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 5:51 pm
I like it. I'm not sure why, but I do. It's well written with a good base. You could expand it more! I'd be more than happy to read it expanded too!  

Elf of the Shadows


Kattie

PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 1:13 am
Thanks for your feedback.^^ Well, it's a short story, so it's supposed to be short...But now I'm writing a story about the past. 3nodding  
PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 9:32 am
Cool! Your past or the world's past?  

Elf of the Shadows


Oukow

PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 5:17 pm
That's good. 3nodding Kinda sad tho'....but I like it... *claps*  
PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 2:45 pm
Oukow
That's good. 3nodding Kinda sad tho'....but I like it... *claps*

Thank you! ^_^

@Elf: Um...I mean the past of that girl and the guy. sweatdrop  

Kattie


Elf of the Shadows

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 3:47 pm
redface Oh! Ok!!  
PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 8:41 am
The only thing..
Is I would add distinctive paragraphs
Just to make it easier for the transistion
of past reflection, apperence
and actual reality.

Like start a new paragraph at
"Now, however she looked...."

and the other at
"She looked at him with empty eyes..."

I just believe this will make the reading easier.

But other then that.. I Love the story behind this.
It hits me close to home..
because I would be the same way..
without my friends..
and I am so scared that when High School is over

...I will be alone...

But I must ask "...Kuro Ageha."
What language is that?

The ending was supurb by the way.

heart -Remy
 

Tak-Jak
Vice Captain


Kattie

PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 12:07 pm
Thank you so much for the feedback and suggestions.^_^
Kuro Ageha is Japanese and it means Black Butterfly.^^  
PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 1:52 pm
Japanese rocks
xd
lol

and I re-read this.
I still love it.
Glad I could have been some help

heart -Remy
 

Tak-Jak
Vice Captain

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Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

 
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