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Tags: Writing, Writer, Writer's Block, Critiques, Friends 

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Downhill. Lose your Drive.

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I think I hit the best stuff I've ever written a long time ago...
  ...and now I'm going downhill
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Tak-Jak
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2006 9:29 pm
MONDAYMONDAY.
I met him today.
I met you today-
the boy that will change my life.

TUESDAYTUESDAY.
my feet sink in this blindingly white carpet.
There is a trail of yellow flower petals winding its way across the floor.
I would follow it, but I'm not sure what's at the end.
I throw away my nerves and thoughts and slowly step along the path.
it's you: you're the end.

WEDNESDAYWEDNESDAY.
I lay in the dark and wait for the part that you sing to me. When I called you my little songbird, you grinned boyishly and gave me a half hearted shove that caused me to laugh until I fell to the floor, holding my sides. You held my hands like we were playing London bridge and told me that this was f o r e v e r .

THURSDAYTHURSDAY.
You pushed me into the pool, but I held your sleeve, causing you to tumble in after me. We laughed and tried to keep our heads above the surface. [You cannot float when you are dragging eachother down.] We floated perfectly. my.life.is.perfect.

FRIDAYSATURDAY.
I don't know what made him so sad,
but as he hung up the phone and turned around,
I could see his eyes were blank with shock and rapidly forming tears.
all he said was that he needed to "get out of here for a few seconds"
before he quietly shut the door.
he comes back with the stale smell of alcohol sometime early morning
and when I see his resigned look, I have a feeling that he won't ever be the same.
ever.

WEDNESDAYWEDNESDAY.
we trace our way through lemon trees and breathe in scents like a drug.
I think this will help clear your head and take your hand off the bottle.
But no,
you're too far gone.
"Hey treefall, your landing will not be graceful."

THURSDAYTHURSDAY.
"we can't float at all, anymore."

FRIDAYFRIDAY.
the droning of the airplane outside my window.
A sound that I sing to, a distraction that makes me concentrate, harder and harder.
I stare up at you with eyes that should walk right through that haze.
"God. Baby, when you open your bleary eyes, someday you'll have regrets."
Focus. Focus on me. Focus on what I'm saying.
Please.

SUNDAYSUNDAY.
Today I stood next to my lover who was passed out cold
and thought about the carnival just last Sunday, where we rode on the Ferris wheel
and kissed in the sunshine.
I continue to long for the sunshine.



Author's Comments

"I am writing this to help you remember how it was."
journal of a girl who falls in love with a boy who turns into a drunk.

Zahmen

Each day signifies something new, not a new day in the week.
Although...
The week technically starts on Sunday, unless you're going by biblical time, in which the seventh day is Sunday and also the Sabbath.
 
PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 2:48 am
That's so sad...and can happen to anyone. So real...
Some minor spelling mistakes here and there, but it was pretty good. 3nodding  

Kattie


Tak-Jak
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 11:51 am
Thats where alot of my poetry comes from..
some from my own experience..
and observing others.

This sadly was one of my own.
Not recent mind you.

And spelling? I used spell check
oh well which words did I miss??
And thanks very much for reading.
 
PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 12:28 pm
It’s very good, I liked the "we can't float at all, anymore." Line a lot.
I looked through this so many times to try find something that could be improved but I couldn’t find anything…  

deadandbones


Kattie

PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 12:47 pm
Just these two. sweatdrop
"There is a trail of yellow flower petals winding its way across the floor."
"Hey treefall, your landing will not be graceful."  
PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 1:10 pm
stressed
haha oops
They have been fixed.
Thanks very much for finding those.

Thanks also Miss Mainwarning.
3nodding
 

Tak-Jak
Vice Captain


Xahmen
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 3:30 pm
I really like the symbolism of chronology.
Seven days has been used to symbolize the advancement of time in many texts, most noticably the Bible.

Each day signifies something new, not a new day in the week.
Although...
The week technically starts on Sunday, unless you're going by biblical time, in which the seventh day is Sunday and also the Sabbath. I think you should adress that in with the author's note.

I like it.  
PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 12:37 pm
Thanks very much Zahman.
I did add it to my Author's Comment..
Though I left it quoted to you.

3nodding
 

Tak-Jak
Vice Captain


Oukow

PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 2:11 pm
I like it, even though it's a bit sad, you explained a way how some relantionships turn out... Nicely Done  
PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 2:21 pm
I tend to work with sad..
So glad thouhg that you liked it.
3nodding
 

Tak-Jak
Vice Captain

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Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

 
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