On The Train

[citcat299]

On The Train

There is a man. He is sitting in the seat next to me and going red in the face with anger, shouting into his mobile phone at the top of his lungs. I slowly edge away from him and bump into the obese lady on the other side of me. She glares at me and rearranges her skirt, giving me a glimpse of her horrible frilly undies. I bury my face in my hands feeling like a dirty insect that has just been stepped on.

The wrinkled lady opposite me with kind twinkling eyes beckons to me with one gnarled finger and I stand up and stagger over to where she is sitting. The train floor lurches under my feet and I stumble, grabbing the handrail to steady myself. The lady rummages through her black and white handbag. I hold my breath in anticipation. She smiles, her skin stretching back over her teeth to reveal her yellowed gums, and produces a lollipop. The lollipop is red and leaking its juices all over its clear cellophane wrapper. I smile politely and take the lollipop, peeling off the wrapper and shoving it into my mouth,

After wobbling from one end of the train to the other, I sit back between the obese lady and the angry man, holding the lollipop wrapper in my left hand. The sticky juices have leaked out of it and onto my skin, and the wrapper is effectively glued to my palm. I wish desperately that the person who had designed the train had thought to put a bin in it somewhere. I peel the wrapper off my hand with my right hand, and it sticks onto that too. Now I have two sticky hands and the train doesn’t come with washing basins.

I fidget, wriggling from side to side, wishing desperately that I had thrown the lollipop out the window at the first opportunity. The obese lady glares at me again and says, “In my day, little children did not so rudely jostle their elders.” There. She had succeeded in making me feel like a cockroach again. A red wave of anger washes over me. It is strangely refreshing. I lightly place my right hand on the back of her skirt and pull away. The lollipop wrapper sticks there like a little red beacon. I giggle guiltily as I step off the train. The angry man winks at me, and he doesn’t seem as threatening as he did before.  

[broken_91]

Personally.. I didn't like this very much at all. Sorry, but it was pretty weak. It has a lot of potential and you seemed to fall short. The plot line was decent- showing how people can be nice even when they appear not to be. But.. your characters need more thought and development.

Your language and sentence structure could be more mature but your grammer was well handled. Heh. Sorry if you guys thought I was harsh..  

[Elf of the Shadows]

I liked it! It had this weird and different, in a good way, thing about it that got me. YAY!!!!!!!  

[Xahmen]

I have to disagree with broken on this, I liked it; and I felt for an uber short it had very good character insight.

I would have tweaked my presentation a little bit (i.e. more paragraphing)
but I thought the ending was funny.  

[Oukow]

I like it . I could picture it quite well, and I can picture the person saying this, to be a child, I'm I right? I believe you got in to the person's mind pretty well,

I hate it when I fell like a pest! >.<  

[Tak-Jak]

With such a short piece, your presentation of characters was really well. You used clear discriptions, without relying on a stero type description. Paragraphing and making transistions from one to another more smooth would make it read even better. But all in all, this made me smile.