Coma

[Xahmen]

The wind kills the circle I just made in the dirt with my pointed stick.
Some things just never last.

Do you know what it's like, being stuck in a coma?

The wind isn't real.
The stick isn't ******** it, I'm not even real in the traditional sense anymore.

I read one time in school that people never remember their coma, so it stands to reason that if I wake up I won't remember this. Oh well, the desert is overrated anyways.

My imaginary knees popped like gunshots as I stood up and glanced over the canyon I was standing before. The wind blew, and I began to cry.

My mom told me not to get a motorcycle, she told me I would wreck; but even she never imagined it to be a train that took me out.

I didn't want to wake up, at least here I had all my limbs.  

[KirbyVictorious]

ooooOOOOoOOOooOooOoOooOoo.  

[lucyVUITTON]

Whoa, awesome. I love how you make him not wanting to wake up, instead of him wanting to wake up but can't.  

[KirbyVictorious]

Niiiiiiiiiice.  

[Spastic waffles]

As lmm said, it was pretty darn cool how you had the person wanting to stay in the coma instead of wanting to wake up. I also like the way you used a desert, it really gave the feeling of being trapped.  

[KirbyVictorious]

....I don't understand really ho9w a desert traps people, but okay.

I get how it's boring and monotonous and lonely and all...  

[Ichigo_Kitten]

wow awesome story, I love your writing style. It's similar to Stephen King in a way.  

[Tak-Jak]

That.. was different and unexpected. Never have I read a piece in the perspective of a coma. Yet the sense of it all was perfect and you felt intune with the narrator's mind. But out of this whole piece, the last line left me cold.. seriously cold. And I had to re-read the ending thinking to myself "What? oh my.." and my mind just took off.
Excellent as ever.  

[Paid2Panic]

An interesting take on such a perdicament. Not many writers dare to describe a feeling such as that, which truely can't be explained. Though after reading this, I feel as if I were the one in the coma.

What caught me the most was his reflections. "My mom told me not to get a motorcycle, she told me I would wreck" That refection really added to the body and power to the emotional statement in this piece. But the bluntness of saying "a train took me out" added to it also. Showing an almost juvenile way of speaking you can get the idea the cyclist was rather young. Late teens, Early 20s I imagine.

Overall you porteyed this piece with talent. It was a great read.  

[grotesquekreeple]

I like the way it describes being trapped in infinity, as a desert can seem to go on forever and so can a coma. Nice job.  

[Voxxx]

More vividness. at least here I had all my limbs. and my imaginary kneecaps were the phrases that really jumped out at me. Good job!  

[Oukow]

I wonder...Is he happier like this, all alone and trapped? Or will he be happier to awake?

I like the last line the most. It ends in a way that somewhat leaves me wanting more and it leaves me wondering.


Don't ask me why I'm tell you this but I kinda have idea like this... Except it's a girl and she lives out an advenuter trying to help out this boy and his village and she wakes up once she helps them out and she doesn't know wether it really happened or not *shrugs* It's just something that's been floating around in my noggin...