[Randomly wrote this a couple months ago, I'm putting it in this section although it isn't a poem...Oh well.]

There is a first time for everything, whether you do or do not remember it. How many times does it take to become addicted? Its hard to know. There's no definite answer, no definite line between being and not being addicted to something. It happens gradually; you don't just wake up one day and become addicted. You might wake up one day and discover that you can't stop, but that's fairly different. And each time it gets worse and worse, more intense, the need to do it greater. Think you can't stop now? Think again. 5 months from now you will be even less able to stop. To the point were you do it every day. Maybe more than once per day, sometimes.

And the further you get into it, the harder it is to stop. Trust me, I've tried many things, none of which seem to be working. Because, after a while, the only thing that makes you feel better is it. The only thing you can think about is it. It's all you do. It consumes your entire life. Bust most of all, nobody knows. You try to show absolutely no sign of what's going on in your head. Nobody notices, except maybe a few people, half of which will believe any excuse you give them. Lying and deceiving are a normal part of your everyday life. You're used to it. Then it becomes the only thing you can do. You can't tell anybody the truth about it because you just...can't. You can't talk about it. If you open your mouth for too long, you feel like you're going to scream. Or die. It's not that you don't trust the person you're talking to (well, you don't trust anyone), but you don't trust yourself. How can you be sure you are going to say what you're trying to? After all, you've promised yourself many things before: that you'd stop, that you'd tell someone. You never keep these promises. After each times, you think, "No more. I will stop after this," but you never stop. You can't.

Sometimes things become horrible. when you can't stop thinking about it, doing it, when you feel like screaming, when you start shaking for no apparent reason, when you need noise, any noise, as long as it's loud enough to block our your thoughts, even if it gives you a headache. And you're thinking about everything at once and it's loud and it's fast. You just want it to stop. Those are the times when it doesn't help. Those are the times when you clean everything up, pack it away neatly. Those are the times when you want to die. Those are the times when you really are intending yo kill yourself, but at the last minute something stops you. You were pretty close, too, but somehow something stops you. Anyways, you don't really want to be dead. Then things get better, things get worse. None of it really matters to you anymore. You desperately search for moments that tell you, "See? you shouldn't have killed yourself! You would have missed this," and you find a few of those, but mostly you end up finding moments like, "It would have been a lot better if you would have died when you wanted to."

And you're always searching for something, but you don't know what you're searching for. And you'd like to talk to people, but you really don't. And you'd like to stop, but the thing is, you don't want to stop. You like it.

Sometimes everything's just...blah. You don't feel happy or sad, just kind of miserably existing. No thoughts enter your mind; it's terribly empty. You become weary, tired, wishing for those extreme moods you used to have.

And you must show no sign through all of this, not the slightest hint. A nearly perfect surface.