Clouds

[Arianna La Moire]

Clouds rolled in, smothering the sun's rays. A child stood on a baloney, watching the sudden change with anxiety. 'Is momma going to make it?' her thoughts echoed louder than any scream. The child, a mere 10 year old, continued to watch the road for her mother, the dress' ruffles billowing in the unforgiving ominous wind. A knight dressed in the lightest of armor guided her into her chillingly empty chambers, making sure to lock the child inside. A storm rages outside, one of famine, war, and weather. Days pass and everything changes, expect the clouds. A box arrives dressed in black silk, and the palace freezes. 'No! That's not her...no...she made it, she had to. Mom always makes it...she didn't make it,' the child's fragmented thoughts, repeating over and over. As the box is laid in the ground, the clouds roll away leaving the glaring sun.  

[Xahmen]

I like the desciption, but it seems to be a fragment with no forseeable plot other than the girls mom is dead.  

[Spastic waffles]

Zahmen

I like the desciption, but it seems to be a fragment with no forseeable plot other than the girls mom is dead.

Z summed it up very well.

You need to expand on this idea. Make it longer, more involving. Describe more, have more happen. And re-read it, at one point you have her standing on a baloney, and "expect the clouds" Should be "except the clouds".