The Room

[shortstoriestragicendings]

Involves nature unsuited for children.


She awoke in an unfamiliar room. The walls were a deep crimson, the color of passion and blood. A single light fixture hung from the ceiling. She glanced around the room. The curtains were a deathly black, and the windows were covered in the same black so as not to let light through. The door was black to match the windows. In the middle of the room was a table with a mirror and razor upon. There were two chairs in the room, both white, the one she sat in and one on the opposite side of the table. She found the color strange for it was the only color of innocence and hope in the hellish room. She could think of nothing dire that came in the color of white.

The dark opened and the first of her ex-lovers walked in. He seemed not to notice her as he made his way to the other chair. He retrieved a small bag from his coat pocket. It wasn’t until he began to lie out the lines that she realized why the white fit in the hellish room. It was the color of her own hatred, cocaine. After he finished his line, he looked up and spoke to her.

“You left me broken, and now all I want is the sweet release of drugs.”
“—But you…. you promised.”
“You think promises matter with a broken heart?”

She fell silent; he was blaming her for his addiction. She fought back tears as he rose and turned to the door. She searched for words as he walked through the door. He left her as she had left him. The white powder remained on the mirror. The door opened again, she looked up dreading to look upon his face again. Instead the second of her lovers walked in, and once again she was ignored. He snorted his share of the coke, and then dipped a single Djarum Black into the powder. He took a long drag and looked upon her helpless face. This time she was the first to speak.

“I knew you were lying when you said you weren’t doing coke.”
“Do you really think I’d do coke? You know me better than that.”
He was doing what he was best at, lying and using his charm.
“I love you. Why would I do something I know you hate?”
“—You never loved me. You told me lies again, again.”
“I’m not lying, and I do love you.”
He snorted another line.
“You are lying! Straight to my face!”
“No, I’m not baby.”
He took another. It was too much for her to take. Tears flowed to her eyes and she began to scream.
“Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! I hate you!”

The tears came stronger, and she found it hard to breathe. She stood up to scream more, but swiftly fell to her knees. She could see nothing through her tear-filled eyes.

“Why would you do this? Why did you do all the things you did,” she gasped.
She heard nothing but the close of the door.

“Noooooo! Answer me!”

She ran to the dark colored door after him. She opened the door blindly and fell into darkness.

She woke, and sat up before she realized where she was, soaked and still crying. She looked down and found relief in the face of the man next to her. He was different then the other two. She truly loved him, and hoped he would not fall victim to her curse.  

[in the flicker.]

hm. this is a really cool story with a real sense of suspense just slipped in there.

there are a few grammar/spelling/etc errors. these aren't that important, so i'll do those first.

"she awoke around an unfamiliar room" how does one awake "around" anything? i assume you meant "in" or something.

i think "she glanced around the room" should be before any of the description of the room.

some of the word order is awkward in some of these sentences. like "she could think of nothing..." "he seemed not to notice her...." "she found the color strange..." it's too formal, i think. it's fine to do that every once in a while, but it sounds like this girl/writer is from the 15th century or something. i'd switch some of those around to make it more active.

"and she found it hard to breath" --it should be "breathe"

i thought the door was black...?

you don't need the comma in "she opened the door blindly, and fell into darkness" in fact, i think it hinders the pace of the story.

at the end, i was a little confused. how does she look down to the face of the man next to her...?

overall, like i said, it's a very interesting story. nice and powerful. personally, i'd like to know how her lovers mysteriously take up coke, though. maybe it should be left unsaid, but i'm sure as hell curious mrgreen  

[shortstoriestragicendings]

Thanks for the edits.
In the end the girl has awoken from a nightmare, and when ever I think of someone waking from a nightmare I think of them quickly sitting up thus looking down to a man laying next to her.

I meant to say breathe but forgot the e and spell check didn't catch it. The opening sentence was going to be "she looked around an unfamiliar room." I thought it'd be better if she woke.

Sorry about the 15th century writing that's just how I right almost any story.  

[in the flicker.]

heh, no need to apologize for anything, especially if you don't agree with what i say at all.

and your explanation of waking from a nightmare makes sense. i guess it's just because when i wake from a nightmare, i do not sit up. i don't think i ever have, but there are people that do. i didn't think about it. i mean, i got the nightmare thing, but not the sitting up thing.

i figure any of these "wor" should be "word" isn't a reflection of the story at all--typos suck.

and while i personally think the formality of the writing is over the top, if you feel like the story works better that way, go for it.  

[Voxxx]

I wish I had a better critique for you, but all I can really say is I couldn't understand where you were coming from on this one. What was with the cocaine?  

[KirbyVictorious]

Crack is for heroin-deprived sissies. 3nodding  

[shortstoriestragicendings]

It's about the people she loves falling to something she hates.
I have a personal hatred for cocaine