December 23, 2007

[Oukow]

I’m in the audience of a movie theater, watching the girl on the screen. She’s screaming, doing only what is natural to her. She’s yelling, using her words as her only defense.

“Don’t hit me!” She yells, louder, louder and then….

“You’re the reason I want to die!”

She breaks…

I wish I could have been there, to help her, to protect her from all of that.

Now she’s sobbing and screaming of God, for an answer to her questions of ‘Why’. She’s regretting her words. She’s crying.

And then…Then, I realize, this girl…This girl is me….

Calm. I was calm.

I was trying to explain to her that some people worked in messy places. I never said I wouldn’t clean my desk, but she was through with my attempts of reasoning. Suddenly, it happened…. The shadow that was her hand came forward and tried to slap my face.

She had had enough and I had lost it.

Before I knew what was going on, I was screaming and all felt like a bad dream. I wasn’t there; I was just sitting in a mind of a thirteen year old watching from her point of view. I felt insane.

When I realized what I had been doing, I turned away from her and bent over sobbing, tears coming down.

She was cursing at me as the car was pulled into a parking lot. I tried to go back….

Back to calm. Calm.
Calm? I wasn’t calm.

I took deep breaths, choking on them almost. She said something to me. All I could understand were the words “you, traffic, be, killed’.

I immediately accused her of going to kill me.

“That’s so sweet of you, mommy….” I sneered. “First you say you’d call the cops me-” That event, I had thought, was the worst day of my life. “- now you want to kill me….Thank you….” I was wrong….

The car ride back home was a tough decision: stay in the car or unbuckle my seatbelt and jump out into the freeway? I couldn’t risk the fact that if caught, I’d be in more trouble.

My arm was up the entire drive back, for defense just incase she were to have tried to strike.

We had gotten into an argument; more sobs and pleads…..

She doesn’t love me….She said so herself… In her opinion, a clean sink is better than me.

She parked the car and I tried to get out calmly but quickly. Walking to our front door of the apartment, I rang the doorbell.

I begged for my brother to be home.

Once inside, I made my way past the television to the couch. Unable to control myself, I screamed and began to pour out tears once more.

My brother came down the stairs and watched.

I don’t know if I was laughing from insanity taking over me, or if I was sobbing because I was breaking. Breaking from my own thoughts and memories? Breaking from the fact that life has no meaning? Breaking from past events and lies? Breaking for no reason?

Or did I break because of the truth…?
I’d given up on life.

On my knees, I held a picture of her. Goofy girl she was, her arms outstretched standing on a mound snow as if saying ‘I’ve made it!’ or ‘Hi there!’

So sorry, so sorry. I’m sorry…
I was apologizing to her and someone else…

My two best friends… Would they forgive me? But what would they forgive me for? Not being there, hardly knowing them, not being able to speak out, unable to cry in front of them? The fact that I was a horrible person?

I love you…. I said, over and over to everyone I knew…Except HER, that woman that gave birth to me….Except her, the women that used violence to try to solve things…the one who, trying to seem innocent was calling my sister and talked naturally-as though I wasn’t crying.

“Tell her I love her…” I said….Hugging the photo…. “Tell my sister I love her…”

I continued apologizing, I continued cleaning my desk. I continued singing a melody I never knew….A melody of death…

I was laughing, then crying. I was calm. I was wiping my tears and blowing my nose. I was calm. I was silent and yet, screaming in my head. I hoped I would never feel that insanity again…. But I will…

I will scream, laugh, cry, beg, plead, smile, hope- I will feel emotions that are not wanted-anger, depression, failure- because…I live.

I’m watching the girl on the screen….

Her eyes are red from rubbing and tears…Her nose is red too, from rubbing and blowing out her nose… Her voice is shaky, from, fear and screaming…. And her heart is aching…from life…  

[KirbyVictorious]

O.O  

[Oukow]

O-o; I'm gunna work on it sometime....Dunno when... but I shall fix it up and stuffs. <.<;  

[Oukow]

Edited and finished.... 0-0;  

[KirbyVictorious]

I didn't get what was going on half the time. I dunno if that's what you were going for....  

[Isianya]

So.. there were three things I got from this: The girl is 13. She has a mom. And two siblings. Other than that, I'm totally lost.

I don't get the italicized portions. Like, are they thought processes? Or visions? Is the 13-year-old schizophrenic or paranoid? Or just..imaginative?

I liked the way it was written, though. The short sentences and ellipses contributed to the pace and cognitive thought. I liked that. Very much.

.:~o*'Isianya'*o~:.  

[Oukow]

Kirby: Sorry.... I'm lost about it. I wasn't trying to aim for anything, but the girl is unclear as to what exactly was going on too. That's why it's unclear and probably confusing. SHe can't really say what happened since she just felt insane and unreal.

Isianya: The italicized portions is the way she felt how she was seeing this all. For some reason, even though she is the girl on the screen, she feels like she isn't. The screen doesn't exist, it's just in her mind while she's panicking trying to get away from her mother who was trying to hit her. She felt as though she was sucked into a really good movie and felt like she was apart of it, sitting in the backseat of the car watching, then realized it wasn't real, but in this case she realized that it was all real and that for some reason it's like a dream, confusing with missing junks here and there.

She's not schizo... To tell you the truth, I can't really say what happened to her... For that moment when her mom tried to hit her she panicked and lost her self control and the emotions that she kept inside of her were spilling out. But she was paranoid after and while she was cleaning her desk, which believe it or not, was the reason her mother tried to slap her.... And her mother was getting really annoyed and lost her selfcontrol too.  

[Renton Noah]

I really like the story; is about losing innocents to me. How could this small child with happy family, lost probably a parent and her mother abusive her, this reflected in her everyday personality. Probably verbally abusing her friends who fled. And she saw herself as today and the innocent girl in the past as two people, one fighting to survive another fighting for innocents, this had driven her into nearly point of insanity with emotional edge that makes her cry and to others seem like she is truly loosing it when she is in desperate need of help  

[Oukow]

I like your view on it, Renton Noah.

I'm sure this girl will realize that in order to stop this pain, she mustn't just hope for help, she must ask for it...All she really wants and needs is a hug and a shoulder to cry on and the time to talk to the ones she loves....

Thanks, I think you taught me something...  

[KirbyVictorious]

To that last statement: Krissy, I know exactly what you mean. ):  

[Renton Noah]

From time to time we all needs to let our emotions flow, we are not prisons of indomitable will. If we don’t break will well break others around us. I think the story was realistic and that was made it very easy to identified with. Others who haven’t had this happen to them, would not see anything special in it  

[Oukow]

Thank you.  

[[.Disposable Dweeb.]]

I enjoyed reading this, it gives a strong realization of how the smallest of incidents (a cluttered desk) can lead to a big outburst.

I think Renton Noah had a very good understanding of it. The idea of the loss of innocence would be more than enough to put this girl on the edge.  

[Galladonsfire]

I enjoyed this piece. Especially, because it used two states of mind of the same being in place of one and really delved into the reason for insanity and more into insanity itself. If there was a form of insanity and sanity this would be it. Great Job! smile  

[Oukow]

I'm glad that the cluttered desk didn't seem idiotic... <.>; But some things do annoy others so very much, no matter how small a problem it may be....

Thank you, Galladonsfire {you're new aren't you? Or am I mistaken?.}. Insanity and sanity seems so confusing to me... The fact that you can lose control of yourself and end up doing who knows what, scares me so much, but what scares me even more is the fact that it seems so strange afterwords and can leave an after shock and also can make you wonder if you just did, what you did... Do you know what I mean? ><;

Thank you guys for the comments. <3