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 Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 3:25 pm
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This is one of my short stories inspired by some show on TV. I tried to keep it as real as possible..... it was a great task for me. I considered trying to make it into a book, but I didn't like how it was turning out. I'll stop babbling now so that you may read.
Cold
Mia's breath quickly hissed out through her teeth. The water was freezing. She had known the ice was thin in places, but she had to make it across. Just a few minutes ago a light had flickered across the ice. Survival would be easier with a group. Fighting the water she attempted to pull herself out. About halfway Mia slipped, almost losing her hold on the ice and submerging herself in the water. Gasping, she fought the freezing numbness creeping into her bones. She had to get out soon or... Mia shook her head, she couldn't think of that. Desperately she tried again, getting slightly further, only to slip again and this time completely lose her grip. Mia slipped under fast, her legs frozen from the cold.
"I knew my chances weren't great. It's amazing I even survived the shock," she numbly thought as she sank.
It was so peaceful she was shocked to discover. When she heard it was she wrote the people off as stupid, crazy, or both. What's so peaceful 'bout knowing you need air and can't breathe it in.
Breathe...air.
So this was it, how she was going to die. Instinctively she tried to hold her breath longer, though it was useless. She looked up to what little light there was from the hole she'd made. That was it. She could hold it no longer. As the precious bubbles escaped a shadow appeared in the light.
...It looks longer on paper. crying Oh well I don't really care... what story next? Hmmmm.... - goes off into own little world-
Ah! I shall put down my villanelle! See if you can get what its about. wink ...Its not that hard to figure out though.
Merveille Pourquoi (Wonder Why)
Candy clouds in the sky
trapped inside a waking dream.
Do you ever wonder why?
On a hill way up high
watching sparkling drops fall through
candy clouds in the sky.
Talking with the old sly
fox and listening to trees' old tales.
Do you ever wonder why?
With silver wings to fly,
or maybe upon a dragon's back among
candy clouds in the sky.
Standing on the ocean watching my
dreams swim freely underneath.
Do you ever wonder why?
With a friend by
my side. We sit on
candy clouds in the sky
and never wonder why.
Please tell me 'bout any typos.
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:04 pm
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akari_ayase Mia's breath quickly hissed out through her teeth. The water was freezing. She had known the ice was thin in places, but she had to make it across. Just a few minutes ago a light had flickered across the ice. Survival would be easier with a group. Fighting the water she attempted to pull herself out. About halfway Mia slipped, almost losing her hold on the ice and submerging herself in the water. Gasping, she fought the freezing numbness creeping into her bones. She had to get out soon or... Mia shook her head, she couldn't think of that. Desperately she tried again, getting slightly further, only to slip again and this time completely lose her grip. Mia slipped under fast, her legs frozen from the cold. "I knew my chances weren't great. It's amazing I even survived the shock," she numbly thought as she sank. It was so peaceful she was shocked to discover. When she heard drowning was peaceful she wrote the people off as stupid, crazy, or both. What's so peaceful about knowing you need air and can't breathe it in. Breathe...air. So this was it, how she was going to die. Instinctively she tried to hold her breath longer, though it was useless. She looked up to what little light there was from the hole she'd made. That was it. She could hold it no longer. As the precious bubbles escaped, a shadow appeared in the light.
Both are really good. The poem didn't really have any errors, but the story did, and I put them in different colors above. Just a suggestion, but you may want to expand the story. It would be good if we could find out about Mia's past or why she is where she is. Oh, and my corrections are mostly grammatical, but there are a few odd wordings and repeats as well. Like you repeat peaceful in one place. |
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:17 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:41 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 5:14 pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 4:08 pm
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Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 3:09 pm
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Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 10:22 pm
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I like the poem better than the story. The rhyme scheme worked and there was a nice parallelism with the repeated question of "Do you ever wonder why?" Oh, and I just caught a typo, check all your questions, one of them is missing a wonder. It's just "Do you ever why?".
As for the story, I was trying to figure out what I thought was wrong with it. Something just sounded short, like there was a piece missing and it threw everything off. It finally came to me. You may have heard an English teacher say this before but. Don't tell me the story, show me the story. Make me, the reader, feel every icy drop of water filling my clothes, driving away the warmth and dragging me down like cold iron weights. I want to see Mia struggle and claw at the ice with fingers that curled around hopes of ropes or branches only to be disappointed by the cruel, slick smoothness of her frozen coffin. Her stiff legs, as if encased in concrete, would not respond to the frantic cry of "Kick!" that her brain shouted. What was the light like? Did it flicker and dance through the clear water? Did it shine as if a beacon from heaven that drew her closer even as her body sank deeper into the dark waters? Now I neither expect nor want you to use the descriptions I just provided, I was just trying to illustrate the point that properly executed metaphors, similes, and just general elaboration = good when writing fiction. I'm not asking you to change your style, just be more descriptive.
Now for some actual problems I noticed:
Quote: She had known the ice was thin in places, but she had to make it across. Just a few minutes ago a light had flickered across the ice. Survival would be easier with a group.
I feel like I'm missing part of a back story? What light are we talking about? What is the significance of a group? Maybe if you explained more why she was on the frozen lake(?) to begin with, or at least what the light is? Also, unless there actually is a group involved somewhere it sounds better and makes more sense to leave that last line out.
Quote: "I knew my chances weren't great. It's amazing I even survived the shock," she numbly thought as she sank. It was so peaceful she was shocked to discover.
The double use of shock sounds awkward. If you can't think of anything else to replace one of them, try using surprised for the second one. Secondly, the last sentence doesn't sound right in passive voice. Try reading it again and see if you don't want to reword it.
Quote: When she heard it was she wrote the people off as stupid, crazy, or both. What's so peaceful 'bout knowing you need air and can't breathe it in.
The wording here is kind of weird. "...she heard it was she..." It's a little bit confusing. Also, the last part should end with a question mark.
Okay, that looks good for now. I hope you find it helpful.
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Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 12:57 pm
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Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:43 pm
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Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 2:00 pm
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