Untilted - First Chapter

[Superexcellently]

I haven't posted here in soooo long so I thought that I would post what I had wrote recently. This is the 2nd draft for chapter one, I feel that it's a bit short however most of my chapters are quite short.


Such a cliché this narrow alley was that Bon Bon was quite certain that she was headed in a desired direction. Not that this particular girl had ever strolled down this particular alley before, it was blind luck that this would take her where she wanted to go.

Bon Bon was sixteen, and had lived in an orphanage for over ten years of her life, not that this was something to pity her by. Her appearance was head-turning, long blonde silky hair that was coveted by many and her eyes were a dark blue, and unusually a white surgical eye patch obscured her right eye. Clothing was bright, a blue t-shirt with a "Takuya Angel" logo on, a pink leopard print cardigan, denim shorts with a bitten apple appliqué, black and white striped tights and pink converse trainers.

The alley was shadowy as large old-fashioned buildings partially blocked any light; they seemed to be leaning in as though they were about to engulf anyone walking by. The path was made from cobblestones and these were damp and slippery from melted snow. Bon Bon's breath was misty, however that could have just been the smoke she had just exhaled; in one hand a cigarette, the other a lollypop the size of a saucer - her favourite combination.

She walked past many odd and curious shops, this seemed to be an alley that time had forgot and most defiantly didn't fit in with the rest of Candy Coast, hailed as one of the most modern city in the western world. However one building caused her to stop in her tracks.

Golden letters above the door reflected light into Bon Bon's eyes, "The English Rose" they read, she mouthed them silently; the lollypop moving up and down in her mouth as she did so. A grin of excitement appeared on her face; she had arrived.

The English Rose was closed; the door was locked and the lights were off. Oh well, I'll wait, thought Bon Bon. She lent against the front of The English Rose, counted her cigarettes and opened a packet of hard-boiled sweets. In the horizon, among the high-rise flats and skyscrapers was an ancient spire, which looked as though it was about to demolish itself. Upon it was a clock that read two minutes to eight 'o clock.

Only twelve hours until The English Rose opens. It may have seemed mad to stay for so long, outside, in the winter, yet this gave Bon Bon time to think and prepare.

The truth was she hadn't come here straight from the orphanage. She had left on her sixteenth birthday that had been in October, and it was now December. During the past two months Bon Bon had been a member of The Rotten Rabbits, a notorious street gang that were rumoured to have supernatural powers. She had joined them because of this very reason; finally someone else like her.

However, The Rotten Rabbits had become tiresome, they were extremely repetitive, stealing, beating, and sleeping, all this with no sense of restraint or creativity. However due to her past mistake of joining them, she would now have to be extra careful. The English Rose was home to another gang, named "English Rose". They were the polar opposites, The Rabbits; ruthless and greedy, The Roses; loyal and trustworthy. If The Roses discovered that Bon Bon was a former member of The Rabbits, then at the very least she wouldn't get the maid job.

She was waiting, for a job interview, to become a maid for The English Rose. There hadn't been an ad in a newspaper or a poster in some shop; she just knew.  

[KirbyVictorious]

There were a few grammatical and syntax errors that really hindered my enjoyment of the piece. The candy stuff is freaking me out. And her description was the way every novice does it--focusing on the eye and hair colors and the clothing. The state of the clothing is more important--you mention the color and words in passing--and the most crucial features on the face are the ones that stand out first, which in the real world isn't usually the eyes. Hair maybe, but something else like the expression or wrinkles or something.

Harsh, yes--but those few little errors can easily discourage an impatient reader/editor.

All in all, the story left me confused; it's too much info at once. Orphanage? Why? Why isn't it something to pity her for? Why did she join a gang? Why did she decide to quit now? And wtf is up with the candy?

a little revision can make this ten times better in my opinion.  

[Isianya]

Hmm... The story is good. Personally, I just don't like the way it's told.

First off, the very first sentence didn't interest me. It didn't grab me or lead into the story. In fact, it confused me. I read it over and over again but still nothing. I think if you place a period after "was" and begin another sentence with Bon Bon, it'll not only convery your message better, but also let your readers know Bon Bon is an actual person.

You lost me for a few paragraphs as well. I couldn't comprehend what I was reading until "The English Rose was closed..." After that, I was hooked. And the reason for that, I believe, is because I was asking questions. Why is she there? Why does she need the job? Why not another place? Why did she leave the orphanage? Things like that. When your readers begin questioning, you're doing good. Few explanatory sentences are good at the beginning to keep them reading but after that, start witholding information. Then, your readers can start to question and they'll continue to read.

All and all, I think you have good elements here but you need to work on how to put them all together. Practice and read. Also, reading your piece aloud to yourself will help with some of the confusing parts.

Keep writing!

.:~o*'Isianya'*o~:.  

[Superexcellently]

Isianya

Hmm... The story is good. Personally, I just don't like the way it's told.

First off, the very first sentence didn't interest me. It didn't grab me or lead into the story. In fact, it confused me. I read it over and over again but still nothing. I think if you place a period after "was" and begin another sentence with Bon Bon, it'll not only convery your message better, but also let your readers know Bon Bon is an actual person.

You lost me for a few paragraphs as well. I couldn't comprehend what I was reading until "The English Rose was closed..." After that, I was hooked. And the reason for that, I believe, is because I was asking questions. Why is she there? Why does she need the job? Why not another place? Why did she leave the orphanage? Things like that. When your readers begin questioning, you're doing good. Few explanatory sentences are good at the beginning to keep them reading but after that, start witholding information. Then, your readers can start to question and they'll continue to read.

All and all, I think you have good elements here but you need to work on how to put them all together. Practice and read. Also, reading your piece aloud to yourself will help with some of the confusing parts.

Keep writing!

.:~o*'Isianya'*o~:.

Thank-you for the useful help, I will defiantly use this to further this chapter. I knew it probably wouldn't make sense to anybody else but me, since I'm one of those people who really can't find their own mistakes. Cheers >.<  

[Superexcellently]

KirbyVictorious

There were a few grammatical and syntax errors that really hindered my enjoyment of the piece. The candy stuff is freaking me out. And her description was the way every novice does it--focusing on the eye and hair colors and the clothing. The state of the clothing is more important--you mention the color and words in passing--and the most crucial features on the face are the ones that stand out first, which in the real world isn't usually the eyes. Hair maybe, but something else like the expression or wrinkles or something.

Harsh, yes--but those few little errors can easily discourage an impatient reader/editor.

All in all, the story left me confused; it's too much info at once. Orphanage? Why? Why isn't it something to pity her for? Why did she join a gang? Why did she decide to quit now? And wtf is up with the candy?

a little revision can make this ten times better in my opinion.

I guess I was just trying to fill out the chapter with the extra information, I should probably just use one piece of information and explain that. Infact I wasn't planning to reveal the whole Bon Bon was in another gang thing until later, just because she's a secretitive character.

The candy thing is explained later, but perhaps I should miss out the whole gang thing for now (and explain it later when one of the characters asks Bon Bon if she has heard of them) and instead put a little more information on the orphanage, since I didn't plan on even naming it which is stupid I know.

As with clothes, I felt as though it was an important part of the chracter's personality, on the other hand why would an orphan have such nice clothes? I need to re-think this.

I've also dabbled with writing this in first person but I don't think it ehances the storyline.  

[KirbyVictorious]

Actually I think first person would be better for a story like this; or at least third-person omniscient. If you put more of her thoughts in there instead of just her actions, it would make her feel more alive and spice up the story a bit.