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I wanted to get some opinions on this...I'm a writer...of course I'm too hard on myself...that's where you come in...maybe you'll be worse, guess I'll find out soon enough. Be polite, and don't offer an insult without advice...in other words, please be constructive with any criticism.
I'd love an organized response, telling me what you thought of the readability and flow, the characters, the plot development, the descriptions, the whole mess. I hope that you enjoy the story, and thanks for your input. (Note: Chapter 3 is incomplete)
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Synopsis: Ellie is still haunted by her past--watching your aunt be brutally murdered in front of you can stick with a person. It's been five years since the murder, and Ellie is still learning to cope. That's when the pastor of her old church calls her up and tells her that her old homestead is due to be torn down, with her consent that is. Before she can ground herself from the disturbing call from her past, she finds herself on a roadtrip with her best friends Katie and Tod. But on their way to Kinswick, Georgia, they wreck and are forced to spend the night in a nearby, shabby motel.
Strange things start to occur, they're disturbed in the night by loud noises, inhuman screeches, and Ellie is haunted by horrific nightmares that may just have something to do with her past and her own repressed memories. As if things weren't bad enough, it seems her aunt's murderer is still alive, and he's stalking her, determined to finish what he started five years ago.
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"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them a light has shined."
- Isaiah 9:2
"There is a quake that rips the soul asunder. . . it is the pain of remembering."
- Nrb
Prologue
Ellie couldn't move, she was frozen in place, forced to bear witness to the grisly scene unfolding right before her eyes. The older woman, her aunt, struggled in vain against a shadowy assailant. Not a man but a silhouette of a man. She was bleeding; she'd already been butchered. Ellie couldn't pinpoint the source but saw that her aunt was soaked in her own blood, streaks of red staining the front of her Sundays best. Though her brutal attacker wasn't finished. He slammed his fist down hard upon the already cowering woman forcefully bringing her to rest pitifully on all fours. She lifted her head to face her young niece, eyes pleading. She parted her lips to speak, probably to tell her to run, to escape or die. But the man silenced her, grabbing a fistful of blonde hair he yanked her painfully back to her feet. She wavered a bit, but his grip only tightened to keep hold on her.
Please no. Ellie wanted to say, but she couldn't manage, too fear stricken to even speak. The man flashed a small gleaming sliver of metal, a razor. The little light that did illuminate the dark basement of the church seemed drawn to it and danced wildly upon its surface. His intentions were clear. He placed the blade against her aunts throat, Ellie turned away--eyes shut, fists clenched. She didn't want to see. She didn't want to believe it was even happening. She wanted to believe it was nothing more than a bad nightmare. But it was happening, and it was all too real even now.
She couldn't see it, but she heard the sick slice when the blade carved into the soft flesh of her aunts neck. She felt the warm spray of blood against her back. Then came the loud thump as he released her aunts body to fall lifelessly to the floor. She was dead, and Ellie knew she would be too if she didn't move. But she couldn't budge and even as she willed herself to escape her legs refused to obey, only trembled uselessly beneath her. The man didn't move, at least not as far as she could hear. No footsteps, no rustling of clothing, only an occasional light rasp from behind, and her own uneven breathing.
You have to run Ellie...you have to run, she told herself. He's going to kill you. Her own thoughts frightened her. She was only thirteen so she'd never thought of dying, though now it seemed to be an inevitable event. She would die here in this cold, shadowy church basement, and the service going on above would continue as though nothing had occurred. And where was God? Ellie felt a different feeling rush through her then to mingle with fear and desperation, anger. The numbness in her legs began to fade and she found herself able to move again. Run. She bolted for the stairs, clambering up to the door at the top. Her hand found the door knob, but as she began to twist a voice boomed from behind her, right behind her.
"Ellie my dear, we're not finished yet." He growled into her ear; she could feel the hotness of his breath, smell the stench of rot as he spoke. She turned the knob and stumbled out into the main floor of the church house, chased by the mans cruel, mocking laughter.
No one noticed her yet, she was still hidden around a corner from the congregation. She staggered forward, tears brimming her eyes now as she desperately worked her way into view. A young girl around her own age noticed her first and screamed. The high pitched shriek echoed through her head painfully, disorienting her. Gasps and fearful chatter began to spread throughout the room as people gradually began to notice her. She hadn't noticed her dress. She'd felt it sticking to her back, but now it seemed her entire outfit was drenched in her aunts blood.
"Oh my gosh," she heard some lady cry from the back of the room.
"Elizabeth?" The pastor addressed her, but she didn't turn to him; she felt that if she made any sudden movements she might retch, nauseated by the red stains covering her clothes. He started toward her, she heard his footsteps as he ran across to her. The room began to fade, and eventually everything went black. Screams echoed throughout her mind, along with the worried voice of her pastor, until finally everything fell silent.
Chapter 1 - Five Years Later
"Ellie." A voice far off called to her from beyond the grim scene replaying in her mind. It echoed through the darkness. "Ellie, what're you doing?" The eerie silence broke and light flooded the darkness, melting away the horrific memory.
"Ellie you alright?" The voice was clearer this time, Ellie recognized it belonged to Katie; her raven haired friend sat near her on the bed, crouching over its edge with a console controller in hand. The room was well lit, despite it being dusk. A colorful image was frozen on the TV. Katie had paused her game--one she'd been quite intent on playing earlier--and now she was watching Ellie with wide, curious eyes. Ellie found herself hugging her legs tightly to her chest, her own eyes unblinking, and for a moment she nearly drifted off again. She parted her lips but struggled to find the words. At last she choked,
"Nothing, I was just thinking."
"What the heck of? You were shaking," Katie pressed, now placing the controller down and edging onto the bed a little closer. She held her hand out to Ellie, but stopped just a few inches from one drawn up leg, all at once catching on. "Yeah, right...this Saturday is..." Ellie just nodded. Katie's hand dropped onto her knee.
"Hey, you're gonna' be fine." She smiled her crooked smile, jade eyes always glinting energetically. Nothing seemed to ever bother Katie, to her life was one big joke. Ellie appreciated her optimism. She loved that--even though she often failed--Katie always tried to cheer her up. But right now it only made things harder. This would be the fifth anniversary of her aunts murder, and though many years had passed she could still recall it all freshly in her mind.
The bedroom door swung open, old wood creaking under the hard shove of a boot. Ellie and Katie both jumped before they realized who it was. Tod--Katie's older brother--sauntered into the room balancing large pizza box in one hand and gripping three soda's in the other.
"Tod you ever knock?" Katie snapped, standing up from the bed now. Ellie, however, was thankful for the intrusion and welcomed the sight of him. He grinned, disregarding his sister's attitude. "Jeeze, you don't even live here anymore." Tod stopped a few feet away.
"Alright, fine. I'll just take this delicious pizza to the kitchen and eat it myself...you can keep the pop though." A light flick of the wrist sent one can of soda sailing clumsily through the air. Katie caught it, barely. Then rolling her eyes she took her seat on the bed.
"Okay okay, hilarious. Ha, Ha. Now give me some pizza." He didn't reply; instead he kicked the door shut behind him and, head held high, moved over to the bed. Smug jerk.
Ellie had to admit he was cute. He was tall, but he was heavy enough to not look clumsy or lanky. His feathered hair was as black as Katie's and well kept, but his most notable features were his eyes. They were dark green and almost seemed to have a soft glow. But looks were all Tod had in Ellie's opinion. Everything was a joke to him, and not in the same, charming manner as his sister. Tod was fun to be around when you didn't know him well enough, just a bright eyed, cheerful kinda' guy. But it turned out he was hardly more than that. Pretty but dumb, typical. She watched him move close through a curtain of brown hair, he was looking right at her.
"Ellie," he began, pausing for a moment as he set the pizza box on the bedside nightstand along with the other two soda's. "You got a call from some preacher. Your dad stopped me on my way back, here." He dug around in his pocket, pulled out a small, folded piece of paper, and handed it to her.
"Thanks." She took the note and stuffed it into her pocket. Tod shrugged in reply, then found a seat on the floor nearest the nightstand.
"By the way, your old man? A real jerk." Ellie wasn't offended, he was right. She forced a wry smile and spoke with a sarcastic edge.
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
"I'd better take this," Ellie returned, eager to escape while the topic was still so light. Katie nodded and reached for her cell phone. Ellie stopped her.
"No." She paused, quickly thinking up an excuse. "I don't trust those things. Too many scanners you know? Can I use your phone?" The look on Katie's face told her that she wasn't buying it, but after another short pause she nodded again without questioning.
"Thanks." Ellie got up from the bed, and with an inaudible sigh, swept across the room and out into the hallway.
***
Katie never understood why Ellie was such a loner, but she didn't mind it, in fact she found it quite intriguing. She admired Ellie for being so strong; after all she'd been through she had a right to break down but she never did--it was more than Katie could say for herself. Though Tod didn't notice any of that, she thought.
"Why do you do that?" Tod was opening the pizza box now, hand already stuck inside the halfway lifted box.
"Do what?"
"Act so macho all the time. You know you just make her uncomfortable." He just laughed, sliding a slice of pizza into his mouth, then still chewing he replied.
"Afraid too many male hormone's will lessen your chances with her?" Maybe. Her middle finger shot up in reply.
"Oh my jeeze, I'm telling mom." He threatened playfully. She couldn't help but crack a smile in spite of his insensitivity.
***
Ellie couldn't speak, too shocked to hear the voice on the other line. She sat frozen on the couch, phone cord stretching from a small end table to her left. The dimly lit living room was quiet, the TV was on and a brightly colored cartoon lit up the screen, but it was muted, and the only noises were from the muffled game being played upstairs and Ellie's own soft breathing.
"Elizabeth?" His voice shot through her again, echoing in her head as it had so many years ago.
"Pastor Foster...I...it's been a while."
"Yes, it has."
"Yes." She paused again, thinking of what she should say next. Pastor Michael Foster had never struck her as an intimidating man, but now, hearing his voice again after five long years was unnerving. "The last time we spoke was..."
"Five years ago Saturday." She didn't say anything. "Listen Elizabeth...I'm calling about your old house. The manor, you remember?"
"I remember." She'd grown up in that house, ever since she'd moved in with her aunt. A huge colonial style manor secluded from the sleepy little town of Kinswick, Georgia by a lovely grove of red cedar and white oak trees. She remembered falling out of the largest one, a gigantic red cedar right in front of the house. She broke her leg and was pretty bruised up. It was just a year before her aunts death. "What about it?" The man on the other line paused for a minute, then spoke again.
"There's plan on tearing it down, on building a park there..." It didn't bother her, she'd had a lot of good memories in that house, but all she could recall now when thinking about it was her aunt's brutal murder. She swallowed dryly.
"What's that have to do with me Pastor?"
"Two reasons really...there's the matter of papers. Your aunt never wrote a will, so technically the house is your fathers property...but I'm afraid he doesn't want anything to do with it."
"So you want me to sign the papers instead?" Foster paused again, pondering the question before saying with little confidence.
"Yes, given your fathers consent." She gave a slight, absentminded nod, then pressed.
"What's the second reason?" Silence...then again more words.
"Kinswick misses you Elizabeth. Some of your old friends and I would love to see you again is all." Ellie felt a rush of guilt wash over her--she wasn't eager to see any of them again, or her old homestead either for that matter.
Chapter 2
Katie felt uncomfortable sitting up front, squeezed in to the small cab of Tod's green Toyota Tundra. She found herself overly thankful when they stopped--now outside of city limits--so she and Ellie could climb into the bed of the truck.
It was a warm evening, and the tall cab of the truck helped shield most of the wind. Katie could see Tod lightly bobbing his head to the music which no doubt was booming inside the cab, but out here only traces escaped the howling wind. She turned to Ellie, who was pretending not to notice her, gazing thoughtfully out into the mountains.
"You okay?" She tried, but the wind stole her voice and carried it off, Ellie sat unaware. She had that look again. The same look she'd had on the bed just two nights before, the same look she'd had after that call from Kinswick. Ellie never spoke much about her hometown, and Katie understood why. She remembered stumbling across the report when she was a kid, her parents were watching the local news on channel 3.
Girl witnesses grisly murder in church house basement. Katie shuddered at the thought of seeing such a horrible thing. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to watch someone she loved be mercilessly slaughtered right in front of her. As a result, Ellie was as screwed up in the head as she, if not even more.
Bipolar II Disorder, she'd called it. Katie had heard about it before, but she never actually witnessed Ellie having an episode. Though the faint scars that decorated her right forearm were the proof of her illness.
"Did it hurt?" Katie recalled asking when she'd first seen the scars. Ellie had been in one of her dazes again--hair askew and unwashed--but when she had seen Katie staring she'd quickly tugged down the sleeves of her sweater.
Now here they were heading to Kinswick, Georgia to sell Ellie's old homestead. Her aunts manor--another thing that she'd never spoken about. Ellie had looked very shaken up about it when she'd returned from talking on the phone.
A knock on the cab window interrupted her thoughts and she looked inside. Tod gestured for her to open it, and she did. Immediately 'Five Iron Frenzy', Tod's favorite band, boomed from inside just loud enough to get Ellie's attention. Katie saw her from the corner of her eye; she was looking at Tod as well, wondering what he wanted. Directions of course, and after getting them and giving Katie a worried look, he closed the window and cranked up his music even louder.
***
Ellie didn't question the worried look shared between Katie and her brother. She knew she was acting strangely, even compared to her usual, unusual self. She turned away again and watched admiringly at the passing mountains. It was still a mix of pines and oaks, choked by weeds, wildflowers, and ivy--it was nothing like Kinswick.
Kinswick, Georgia; a place with big trees, open fields, and the much too occasional bible thumper trying to shove religion down your throat. Home is where the heart is, they say, and Georgia was like that for Ellie. Georgia was where her heart was carved out of her with a butcher knife and left to rot. She didn't want to go back, and years ago she'd promised herself she never would. But now here she was in her best friend's brother's truck, heading down the interstate toward her hometown. She wanted to scream at them for taking her back there, for convincing her to go home. But she knew she could never do that, they had been so supportive. Tod quickly offered to use his truck, despite the horrible gas mileage, to drive her. Katie, she knew wasn't about to leave her side, though the reasons why worried her.
Time passed, and gradually the tangle of trees on mountain sides began to lessen--mountains turned to hills, and hills into rolling fields--until eventually they were driving on flat land. They were in Georgia, and Ellie had slipped into a sort of daze, deeper than before, almost a coma. She just stared blankly, not admiringly like Katie and Tod seemed to be doing, out onto the miles and miles of flat farmland. It was only the sudden loud popping noise, and the screech of metal and rubber, that broke her from her hypnotic state.
POW! The truck rumbled under her. She gripped the edge of the truck bed to steady herself. Katie screamed as they veered to one side of the road, and then the other, before coming to a screeching halt.
***
Katie sat in shock for a moment, hands tightly clutching the side of the truck. She took a deep breath, attempting to steady her nerves. Ellie was looking right at her, now returning her earlier looks of concern. Katie's face grew hot and she forced her rapid breaths to slow as much as she could. Embarrassment quickly turned to frustration.
"Tod, what the heck are you doing?" She slammed her fist into the cab window to get his attention. He was sitting inside, unmoving. His reaction was slight even when she slammed the window once again.
"Tod," she shouted. He was shaking, but this time she'd managed to get his attention. He turned to face her, sliding the window open.
"Glass."
"Glass?" Tod took a deep breath and explained.
"I don't know, debris from a wreck or something." Then he gestured to the deserted strip of interstate laid out behind them. "It's all over the road." He was right, it was a mess. Broken glass littered the interstate in a wide strip. They'd broken through it, but the tires didn't make it.
"Oh...my truck." Tod groaned, breaking free of his trance long enough to open his door. Glass crunched under his boots as he took a few steps from the vehicle. As he studied the truck, Katie knew it was bad.
"We're shot. The wheels are shredded." He announced. Ellie was already climbing over the edge of the truck bed, carefully lowering herself onto the asphalt. Crunch. Katie did the same, swinging her legs over the edge of the truck before hopping off into the road.
"Don't you have a spare?"
"You mean spares," Ellie corrected. She was the only one of the three who could see the damage to the other side. She was crouched down in front of the front, right wheel. "Didn't you see the glass?" Katie turned back to Tod as if she had asked the question herself. His reply, consequently, was directed at her.
"If you didn't notice, it's not exactly bright outside." Katie said nothing--what could she say? They were stranded in the middle of nowhere.
"Great..." she mumbled under her breath. "...just our luck."
***
Tod didn't stand still for long, he started toward the other side of the truck.
"How's it look?" He asked Ellie. She only sighed, hand gesturing to the shredded tire at the front--just like the others. He cursed, slamming the toe of his boot into the ruined tire. Pain shot through his foot and he recoiled, cursing more. Nice one Tod. Something caught his attention, a sound from the other side of the truck, laughter. Katie half sighed half sniggered at the sight. He cocked his head to one side, and in an only half serious tone said.
"I hate you." He couldn't help but notice Ellie crack a smile at the remark. That made him smile a little himself.
"Well, now what?" Ellie was still crouching in front of the tire--now she was looking up at him--still faintly smirking. He loosened up a little, if she could smile, so could he. He pretended to think for a moment, a good enough excuse to keep looking in her general direction. Ellie wasn't stunning. She never dressed up and even now she wore simple blue jeans, and a white, button up tee. It looked like she hadn't even bothered to put on any makeup. Still, something about her intrigued him, be it the charming southern-belle twinge in her voice, or the way she let her hair fall to obscure one half of her face. A few seconds of admiration were alright but now, he realized, he was staring. Ellie didn't seem to notice. He turned away anyway, studying the busted tire again and forcing his mind to think up a solution. He'd seen a sign a few miles back, he recalled. A few miles ahead, there would be a rest stop, or a motel with a phone. It was worth a try.
"There was a sign...for a rest stop or something, just a few miles up ahead I think."
"Great, so let's just ride the rims until we get there." Katie's voice held more than a little sarcasm.
"I guess we're walking..."
"The heck we are." Tod ignored her. Ellie spoke up when he didn't reply.
"I'll get my bags." By bags, she meant the single, dark blue polyester duffel bag; it was sitting snugly in the floorboard of the truck--it held two or three different outfits, her toothbrush, shampoo, and a few other personal items. Katie leaned up against one side of the truck and watched in disbelief.
"You're kidding." Ellie shot her a resigned glance. She wasn't kidding, neither was Tod. He had already started walking, glass crunching under foot.
***
Tod could feel Katie's eyes bearing down on him; he didn't have to look to know she was glaring. He looked anyway, and started to wonder if looks could kill, if so he was doomed. They'd been walking already now for what seemed like hours. The setting sun was drifting lazily over the rolling hills to the west, and cast a beautiful orange glow upon the deserted road and rolling fields; even the clouds--thin and wispy in the dusk sky--glowed like mysterious orange specters. Tod wasn't tired, and even though Katie had slowed she could probably make it another hour or so (Ellie had hardly any visible sign of exhaust, no worse for the wear), but he was uncharacteristicly uneasy about his decision now. He couldn't help but wonder if he'd really seen that rest stop sign at all. For his own sake, he pushed the thought from his mind. Ellie had drifted to the far right of the road to walk alone when Katie spoke up.
"We've been walking for hours and whaddya' know, no rest stop." Tod didn't like her tone, hated the way she stressed no, but didn't bother replying. Ellie said from across the road.
"Where is everyone," paused, then clarified. "I mean, we've been walking for hours and we haven't seen a single car." Tod hadn't thought too much about it until now. It was very odd, he realized, that not so much as a trucker had driven by them since they'd started walking. Then again, being so close to "Nowhere, Georgia", part of him wasn't that surprised. Katie was talking again.
"You think that glass was from some sort of chemical spill or something?"
"And it boiled away all existence?" Tod allowed his own voice a slight sarcastic edge if just to tick his sister off. She snapped back.
"Or they're not letting traffic through--idiot." Tod didn't admit it, but he knew she might be right. There was hardly any other explanation. Unless every vehicle coming this way had fallen into the same trap they had. He imagined a whole junkyard of cars piling the road--red Toyota's, white Honda's, green Fords, a whole assortment of vehicles--all with shredded tires. Another swung dangerously around the curb and slammed into the mass of metal and flesh. The man inside, unharmed, looked confused and startled; when a man in the next vehicle over, holding a cup of hot coffee, nodded his way, smiling. Welcome to the party. It was unlikely, and it wouldn't account for the the vehicles coming back from Kinswick.
"We got through..." Ellie was still to the far right of the road, and walking a little ahead of them both. Now she'd turned around and started pacing backwards to look at them while she spoke. Her grey eyes settled on him for a moment, and from where he was standing he wasn't quite sure what she meant with her stare, then shifted to Katie who pretended not to notice. Up ahead, he noticed another sign that read: Rest Stop 2 Miles. Tod pointed. Katie glanced at the sign. It's once green color had faded to a pale and sickly shade, reflective paint peeling, the edges curling inward and stained with rust and dried mud.
"Look at that thing, are you kidding? It's falling apart, the rest stop is probably shut down by now."
"Not like we have a choice..." Ellie's voice was calm and tired. Tod thought maybe she was still partly lost in thought, almost unaware of their predicament. "Like you said, there hasn't been another car for hours." They both knew she was right, but Katie let out a groan of protest nevertheless. They walked the rest of the way in silence.
Chapter 3
The room was lit with the soft glow of candlelight, soft enough lighting not to disturb the eyes, but bright enough to light his way as he stitched another thread through his arm. He didn't cringe, didn't so much as slightly falter...it had been so long since he'd felt pain...he'd been gone for far too long.
The man loved fifties music(perhaps even more proof that he'd been gone for far too long, though he knew better than that). He loved the feel-good aura it presented through its muffled tunes. Currently, the small reception was filled with the tunes of Louis Armstrong's, Dream a Little Dream of Me, and the man sang along with it in his own low, raspy voice, sang in such a low whisper that only he could hear it, occasionally changing things up to a soft hum as he worked, needle popping through a layer of skin once again.
He liked this song particularly well. The lyrics reminded him of her. Say nighty-night and kiss me. Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me. While I'm alone and blue as can be...Dream a little dream of me... It was as if the song was made for the two of them, and he would give anything to dance the night away with her to that very tune--to be together at last, to cut the throats of those who troubled them, and dance in the shimmering reflections of their blood. That time was coming near, but he had to wait if things were going to go the way he wanted, needed to let the situation unfold...needed to scare her and her friends a little first. He didn't want to scare her, but it was necessary for this all to work, and there was no backing down now, not for him anyway. He'd been waiting for far too long.
He thought he heard someone moving outside and paused. He stopped humming, and listened...nothing, just the wind. He sighed and went back to work, this time pricking through the skin of his wrist, blood leaked out and onto his hand, not much, just enough to thrill him. It had been so long since he'd seen blood, even his own...soon there would be plenty of blood, however.
"Dream a little dream of me..." He started again in his low, raspy voice. "...my dear Ellie."
***
When they arrived, two miles later, at the rest stop--a cheap motel with a diner/gas station just across the road--it looked vacant, as deserted as the road they'd been walking on. Tod's heart sank when he saw it, but he wasn't ready to give up. He jogged ahead of the others, ignoring Katie's complaints.
"Great, it's abandoned," she whined. It was getting dark and Tod could see the moon faintly in the sky, but neither the gas station nor the motel had so much as a neon open sign hanging in their windows. As he neared the gas station he could already tell no one had been there for quite some time. The windows were caked with dust, some were cracked, others were broken out entirely. It was too dark inside to see anything from the parking lot. The gas hoses looked like they might be rusted to their holsters, and some had been completely removed from the tubes that now lay limp on the stained concrete. He moved in for a closer looked--glanced back to see Katie and Ellie investigating the motel (they'd just reached what looked like the main office but hadn't dared enter in)--then peered into one of the broken windows.
The once white tiled floor was stained with rust and broken up in some places, showing the dirt and concrete just beneath. The shelves, of course, were empty save for the few empty cans or broken bottles that also littered the floor. Tod thought he could see a makeshift bed just by the old counter, a pile of stained sheets and torn coats. A shadowy figure standing near the back caught his eye; his heart skipped before he saw it was just a cardboard advertisement--a pretty woman in a bikini holding a bottle of beer in one hand and resting the other almost suggestively on her naked thigh. Tod let out a long sigh and turned back to the motel. Katie and Ellie were gone.
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