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The Owner's Guide to Sosuke Aizen
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Note: Keep box in a top-secret location before and after reading this manual. In order to obtain the full benefits of this wonderful device, please take 10 minutes to read manual thoroughly.
Sosuke Aizen is made and assembled in Japan.
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Congradulations!
You are now the new proud owner of Sosuke Aizen! Although this may be the best thing to ever happen in your lifetime, it significantly decreases your chances of living past 60. The reasons are explained below.
What Have I Ordered?
You have ordered the very person Soul Society is hunting for, the person responsible for the possible destruction of millions of innocent souls, and, dubbed by millions of fangirls, the sexist guy on earth. So, prepare for armies, Soul Reapers, blackmail from fangirls, and house break-ins by them and disgruntled Espadas trying to get back to taking over the world. So, if you don't want to die, make sure to murder all fangirls within 50-mile radius and seal all tunnels to Huec Mundo.
Note2: There are no refunds, returns, or satisfaction guarantees. (unless under specific conditions) Handle at own risk...
Sosuke Aizen comes complete with:
- his previous hair and glasses (use will be explained in Added Info section)
- zanpaktou
- assorted plushies of Espadas
- various shinigami voodoo dolls
- needles and wood shinigami dummies
- a picture of the key
- (optional) sekiseki plaster
Do not, repeat, DO NOT attempt to take the key picture or the Espada plushies away from him. Severe beating will result. Take at your own risk.
How to Assemble:
Just because he is self-proclaimed king of Huec Mundo does not mean his temporary confinement (box) will be special. Sosuke Aizen comes in a black box with a black ribbon on top. To prevent yourself from fainting at first sight, it is a good idea to wear a horse blind. Use scissors to cut away the ribbons and slowly lift the top so you will not scare him to use the sword to shank you. Upon opening, back away to let Aizen get used to the surrounding. For some new owners, he might start using his shunpo to find his Breaking Sphere, but don't worry, he'll realize that it's in him in just a few minutes.
After Assembling:
All you need to do now is to escort him to his room. You have no need to have him tour the house because his spiritual energy already permeated every inch of your house and changed it to his desire. If this effect is not appreciated, then order some sekiseki plaster and he will not be able to change it to a castle. Make sure his room resembles the throne room in the original castle, with a nice tall white chair nailed in the center. During his stay at your home, he will ask your permission to convert various friends you have into arrancars, but a polite rebuke will be sufficient to stop him. Unless you want him to, that is...
Added Info:
Occasionally, Aizen will suffer bouts of nostalgia about how he tricked Urahara Kisuke in Soul Society. For this purpose the glasses and hair will be sufficient for him to stage a little one-man show in his own room.
The voodoo dolls and needles are for when Aizen is missing the days of fighting Soul Society. If you should come upon this scene, step quietly away. Interrupting will result in severe beatings. The picture of the Key is
for when he wants to continue his search for the Royal Key. Once staring at the picture, Aizen will be in a hypnotic trance. This is an excellent time to plant any subliminal messages, such as 'take out my trash'. If Aizen should do something that's not very Aizen-ish (like what is listed above), just quietly reach for a camera and record said activities and post it on Youtube. The behaviors will turn better sooner than you think.
What does Sosuke Aizen like to do?
Plot, plot, and more plotting. He will talk to you incessantly on how he is going to take over the world. To placate him, it's best to buy various strategy computer games. Aizen will spend his days staring at the screen
and emerge after sun set to tell you about his ventures. To solve the problem permanently, order one of his comrades (either Gin or Tosen will suffice) and they can be found chatting to various shady organizations. Buy some AK-47 in preparation of various men in black showing up at your door. For his exercises, let him thrash his sword around the shinigami dummies. He also has the tendency to use his zanpaktou and hypnotize you to hink that he's there while he is actually away in Italy to contact soem shady organizations, but of course you will not recognize that...
How to Maintain your Aizen:
Sosuke Aizen is very easy to maintain. Regular meals three times a day will keep your Aizen well-fed, but he will ask for an occasional snack. Reward as you see fit. Also, his breakfast usually just consist of something to drink, like coffee. Make sure to give him plenty of attention because his ego will need constant stoking to keep it from falling. If he is agitated, he will use Shunpo and flash steps everywhere and then cuddle up with his Espada plushies. The best thing to do then is to take out your camera and take pictures to your heart's desire. If dummies or voodoo dolls are all torn to shreds, order another set immediately. Do not attempt to remove destroyed dummies. Severe beatings will occur.
In Conclusion:
We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most sought after) member of your family. If you feel as if Sosuke Aizen wants a friend, we recommend the following characters:
- Ichimaru Gin
- Kaname Tosen
- Any one of the Espada
General Yamamoto is not recommended.
Thank you for reading the manual, you may now open the box. Refrain from accidentally strangling self with ribbon. We are not held accountable for any injuries on your part.
