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The Heartless Who Smiled

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KiraKiraDeath

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 10:24 am
Okay this was a really old avi entry I ended up doing upon request. Its a Kingdom Hearts parody I guess so yeah... Oh and the entry was to long for the arena sweatdrop But I thought it was pretty good for my first mini entry.




Watching with curiosity as the pyro maniac Axel worked on his next project. It seems only yesterday that he had created her, the Heartless nobody ever paid any mind too, Of course it would seem as though she did not have a heart, but she did. Her heart was beating just as yours and mine would, so faint not even the most experienced ear could tell. She had feelings just like anybody else.

She felt Love for number 8 of the Mysterious Organization XIII, Axel.
She Felt Sadness because he would never know.
She Felt fear of being shot down because of her blind affection.
But most of all She Felt Joy knowing that he took the time out of his day to check on her and teach her the things no ordinary Hertless could do.
She was learning how to talk with the help of Axel. Only a few words could be spoken though. One day as she was walking the corridors of the ,seemed to be endless, Castle Oblivion, She overheard a fight of two Members
Number Thirteen,Roxas aka Axel's Best Friend and of course Axel.
"You cant keep doing this!" cried criedRoxas shaking his head furiously.
"Doing what?! Teaching a person how to live?!"
cried the firey red head.
"You love her and this teaching thing is already going to far, soon Xemnas will find out and he will destroy you and kill her!"
"I- Your right, its too risky for her to know so much, i'll stop."
Suddenly the massive doors of the castle opened up from behind the poor little Heartless and out came Sora, Donald, and Goofy. "Theres a Heartless!"
yelled Sora.
"W-wa-wait." yelled the scared girl.
Too late she was hit, slowly fading, Just then The Pyro came around the corner and screamed at the sight of the girl he loved fading away,
"No!!" he cried rushing to her and holding her in his arms,"Dont go, I- love you. You can't go!"
Tears streamed down his face as he watched her fade,"I-l-lo-love you t-too. Thank you....for this...wonderful e-emotion." she said smiling one last smile and who would know the pain she felt, becasue after all she was...just a Heartless.
 
PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 11:03 am
I rofl because, I have to admit, it's somewhat poorly written. I also do so because I think that's exactly what would happen--Sora barges in and destroys. 4laugh All right, there was a lot of inconsistency going on there. When you capitalize, remember that if you do so it has to do it all the way through the piece.
"She felt Love"
"She Felt Sadness"
"She Felt fear"
"She Felt Joy"
Notice how, in the first example, 'felt' is lowercase. That means that, throughout the piece, any 'felt' that is capitalized is wrong. It's the same with the emotions, though in that case 'fear' would be incorrect.
Also, the last example had 'she' capitalized but was in the middle of a sentence. It would be incorrect because prior to this case 'she' is lowercase and therefore that is not her 'name'.

"She felt Love for number 8"
I think '8' is supposed to be written out, 'eight'.

In the first paragraph, there is some verb tense confusion: it starts out in the present and switches to past tense.

The first sentence is a fragment.

There are also some missing punctuation marks.

Also: '"W-wa-wait." yelled the scared girl.' It should be '"W-wa-wait," yelled the scared girl.' Notice the period has been changed to a comma. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_quote.html This is a good resource on how to deal with quotation marks.

Also, it is not very effectively told. I suggest reading a few short stories and such to get a hang on how to write effectively in small amounts of space. =] heart Good luck!!  

Serenity Reed
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KiraKiraDeath

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 6:28 pm
Thanks a bunches! blaugh
I'm not really all that good with grammar, or short stories for that matter. sweatdrop
It probably wasn't as good as I hoped due to the fact it was in a rush and It was for the Avi Entry so I chnaged alot to shorten it up. mrgreen
I can't remember, did you look at my other entry?
If not, could you?
Thanks heart  
PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 7:59 pm
*goes off to search*

Edit: Yes, actually I did. However, that would be too hard to critique for me in that format because it's so simple. I'm much better at stories, so throw all the stories you want at me! I'll do my best! sweatdrop  

Serenity Reed
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KiraKiraDeath

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 12:29 pm
lol
I know, but all the stories i seem to write are fanfics.
Im embarrased by them.
They are fun though.
Yay! I'll be rooting for you! lol
So do you have any stories up?
I'd love to read them!  
PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 1:01 pm
I enjoyed it. Although I've been out of Kingdom hearts for a while now. xD If you fix the grammar and perhaps extend it I think it would make a great little fic.

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Sors


Serenity Reed
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 1:27 pm
I3 3 N T
lol
I know, but all the stories i seem to write are fanfics.
Im embarrased by them.
They are fun though.
Yay! I'll be rooting for you! lol
So do you have any stories up?
I'd love to read them!

I myself loathe fanfic. Probably because I suck at it. rofl Uh, well, I've got one in Works in Progress titled "Chronicles of Aithine" and two in the main called "I need Some Help, Y'all" and "Exploding Heads?! Count me in!" 4laugh I am simultaneously writing all three. neutral  
PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 3:09 pm
Sors::::: Thanks it was from a long time ago so I didn't really try that hard, I love KH I'm a big fan. Grammar is my enemy. I hate it!!! hehe.

@Serenity::::: I'll read them!
Maybe I can pick up some skills lol.
 

KiraKiraDeath

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Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

 
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