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Tags: Writing, Writer, Writer's Block, Critiques, Friends 

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Totally not offensive. at all. (poem).

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I don't believe
  Virginity is as common as it used to be
  Or in working days, and sleeping nights
  Or black is black, and white is white
  But I believe in Love...yes I believe in Love....
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KirbyVictorious

PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 6:29 pm
Really. Just shitty. And all natural and stuff.

~

I know a place where, long ago,
Gods and mortals, together, walked the world
A land of brightest colors, purest skies,
The land where mortal heroes had their birth

There was a secret cove, then,
Where the infant river trickled down
And lush forests surrounded the pool of blue rock
Where the glittering immortals made love in secret
And jealous mortals watched in awe
Blinded by the glory; they would live
For a hundred years or more, telling the tale
Narrating the epitome of love for the new generation.

In that era, the mountains kissed the sky
The snow was pure and white, unstained by blood
And ashes; it was the dawn of the world,
And she was as yet an infant, pure and sleeping.
Her rocks were uncut; the mountain people
Lived in deep caverns with the Earth and Fire Gods
And danced around fires, proclaiming in guttural cant
The glory of the new world.

The valley plains were carpeted in lush newborn grass
Of the brightest, happiest green;
And there were no cities, no landmarks;
One could stand upon a stone and see
As far away as forever. Even mortal eyes
Were sharp enough to see for leagues,
The land undisturbed by smoke and noise,
The animals free to roam, safe where they were.

The seas lapped the shores gently, a probing tongue,
Like a kiss; softly washing into hidden grottos
Shaping the land, the waves rocked by the moon.
The ocean was clear as glass; the sun shone in shafts
For leagues into the water--the world underwater was visible
The sea people waved to those on shore
As they leapt from the waves, praising the water goddess
And the moon, and the god of the sea.

The freshwater tasted of sweetness and purity
Even the never-weary gods would bend and drink
Mortals thrived, their eyes bright, from it
And the rivers of the world fed the vast lakes
With fresh snow from the mountains, and carried
Pure water ‘cross the plains, through the forest
And into the glittering sea. And the rain was cold and sweet
And tasted of sunlight and honey and dew.

The forests were untouched, a maze of green and warm brown,
The air heavy and cool, still and silent,
There were no leaves, nor loam, underfoot
For it was a virgin forest, as yet innocent
To the change of seasons. There was a tree
Taller than a mountain there; the people of the wood
Would link hands with the Goddess of Life
And dance ‘round it at midsummer, when the forest bloomed.

And there was a great city of marble on the plains,
Home of the mortals, dwelling of the gods,
Where the Goddess of All peered into her glossy mirror
And saw the World, and Time
The City of Cities, with winding roads
And the palace that shone during full moon
The city where all had a place to belong,
The city where all could safely rest.

~

Yawn. It was faintly homeric, I thought. This was like, less than half of what I ended up with, but the rest was worse. X.x  
PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 6:39 pm
I liked it. I'm not quite sure what else to say; it's very bare-boned and pleasant. And I liked it.  

d e s d e m o n o
Crew


Tak-Jak
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 11:47 am
This is like.. a stream of consciousness to me. Not so much a ramble, but rather just... unedited pure vision.

I personally don't like it as much as others you have written... But the imagery and such was very lovely.

I just didn't find the connection, that meaning deep inside, that I usually do with your work.  
PostPosted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 2:04 pm
Most of your writing has a lot of depth. This piece only seemed to scratch the surface. It's not bad, just lacking some of the soul you usually pour into your work. I LOVE the subject matter.  

Voxxx


KirbyVictorious

PostPosted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 5:42 pm
Thanks guys. I realize it isn't very deep. But this is really what goes on in my head, so...more honest than usual.  
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Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

 
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