Workshop #2

[Collote]

I decided to write a poem. This is the first time I've ever written a poem. ._.

I tried my best!

My word is "Staging: The act or manner of putting on a play on the stage."

I distorted the meaning a bit. Hah.

Anyways, my thoughts on this poem. It defiantly isn't the best thing I've done. It skips around a bit. As far as the poem format goes... I think this is a little off.

Well, enjoy...

Timely Staging

It happens around five o’clock
He comes on to talk
My heart skips a beat
As I stop to greet
The boy who’s done me no harm
But is no good luck charm
For every time I talk
He goes for a walk
The silence is uncaring
As he’s staring
At another box on the screen
Of a girl who’s his queen
The internet is our only stage
Staging of hurt and rage
This is where it takes place
Every day I continue to come face
The many things he causes
That deserves no applauses
I cry and lose sleep
Over the promise he was supposed to keep
He was going to love me forever
When did he change it to never?
The clock has struck five
He is about to arrive
I must go grab my props
The time never stops

Edit:

I'm still working on it... especially the ending.

Edit!:

Okay, I added to the ending. I think this is better... but not amazing yet. =/

It happens around 5 o’clock
He logs on to talk.
My heart skips a beat
As I stop to greet
The boy who’s done me no harm,
But is no good luck charm.
As my words unlock
He goes for a walk.
The silence is uncaring
As he’s staring
At another box on the screen
Of a girl who’s his queen.

The internet is our only stage
Our plays of hurt and rage.
This is where they take place.
Every day I come face to face
With the many things he causes
That deserves no applauses.
I cry and lose sleep
Over the promise he was supposed to keep:
He was going to love me forever.
When did he change it to never?

For three long years
I’ve been delighted even as I shed tears.
The days go by too fast.
How long is this going to last?
Until I break all connections
Things will continue to go crazy directions.
As the clock strikes five
My mind shouts he’s about to arrive.
I will go grab my props;
Time never stops.
I will talk to you later,
Because he is much greater.
Tick, tock, tick, tock...
Tick, tock, tick, tock...  

[Jak the Bard]

Your prompt: Get the biggest, oldest dictionary you can find. Randomly open it, and stick your finger to the page. You have to use the word/definition you land on in your writing somehow. You can base it off the definition, use it in the piece, as a title, whatever.

Right. Well, the word that I got was an easy one, but I'll make the best use of it: corrupt.

The senators and congressmen were all incredibly corrupt, but that meant only one thing. There needed to be a cleansing, and for the first time in his life, George W. Bush made an intelligent decision. He turned to a terrorist that had been captured and placed in Guantanamo Bay, and said "Fulfill your purpose, blow up a building."  

[Kasi Karra]

It is a good poem/rough draft I agree.
It does need a little polishing, but I love how a lot of it flows, it rhymes and it's a great story.
Little bit of skpping, but the idea is there and you are still able to find it even though you didn't specifically say it. (You know what I mean?)

I hope this wasn't overly critical. sweatdrop  

[Collote]

Kasi Karra

It is a good poem/rough draft I agree.
It does need a little polishing, but I love how a lot of it flows, it rhymes and it's a great story.
Little bit of skpping, but the idea is there and you are still able to find it even though you didn't specifically say it. (You know what I mean?)

I hope this wasn't overly critical. sweatdrop

No, it wasn't overy critical. It was helpful... and I totally agree with every thing you said. Thanks for for the advice! (:

Just because I'm curious... what story do you see behind my poem?  

[serephemeral]

Alright, Collote! Good for you, writing your first poem! ^.^ That's the point of this class, after all; Broadening horizons and polishing skills!

For your poem:

Don't be afraid of punctuation! It's your friend. Even in slam poetry (which, as I know it, is basically poetry meant to be heard as opposed to read), it's useful. You can use it, in addition to line breaks, to create meaningful pauses.

For a piece like this, I would suggest using less formal language, such as 'for every time'. I would also change the line 'that deserves no applauses'. Use the simplest words to get your meaning across.

The best way to get pacing down for a piece like this is to read it aloud. That way, you'll find the spots that drag a bit, and you'll be able to fix them.

You said that you thought that it jumped around a bit. You can use stanzas to help with that. When you switch pieces of imformation, put it into a new stanza.

Overall, these are my suggestions:

Timely Staging

It happens around 5 o’clock .
He comes on to talk. maybe logs on, to get your story across more?
My heart skips a beat
As I stop to greet
The boy who’s done me no harm,
But is no good luck charm.
For every time I talk tweak this a bit, give it some TLC
He goes for a walk.
The silence is uncaring dunno if I like this word
As he’s staring
At another box on the screen
Of a girl who’s his queen.

stanza break here

The internet is our only stage
Staging of hurt and rage. another word thing, maybe take it out?
This is where it takes place.
Every day I continue to come face make it 'face to face'? and add a 'with' in the next line.
The many things he causes
That deserves no applauses.
I cry and lose sleep
Over the promise he was supposed to keep:
He was going to love me forever.
When did he change it to never?

stanza break here

The clock has struck five
He is about to arrive change to he's?
I must go grab my props
The time never stops

ends kinda abruptly. Add another line or two to it?

I think, though, that it conveys your story well. For your first poem, this was excellant. Keep trying new things! And remember, if the piece works for you, it doesn't really matter what everyone else thinks. You can use my advice and critique as you see fit. If you get new ideas, use them! Don't be afraid to take out as much and add in as much as you think it needs.

-Sera  

[Jak the Bard]

boy, compared to you guys, I suck donkey kong.  

[Collote]

Thank you very much, Veiled Seraph. That was extremely helpful. heart  

[Collote]

Jugglernaut

Your prompt: Get the biggest, oldest dictionary you can find. Randomly open it, and stick your finger to the page. You have to use the word/definition you land on in your writing somehow. You can base it off the definition, use it in the piece, as a title, whatever.

Right. Well, the word that I got was an easy one, but I'll make the best use of it: corrupt.

The senators and congressmen were all incredibly corrupt, but that meant only one thing. There needed to be a cleansing, and for the first time in his life, George W. Bush made an intelligent decision. He turned to a terrorist that had been captured and placed in Guantanamo Bay, and said "Fulfill your purpose, blow up a building."

You don't suck Donkey Kong! This is pretty good/funny... but it would help if you had it under your own forum like Seraph had asked. (:  

[AmenthystMoon]

i laready posted this on accident in the wrong post but i'm re-posting it

i really don't have as much time now thats it's sept. but here's a start......

beginning of my piece as a continuation of one of my entries for "white room":
"this is the fabled gate?" she thought? "no principality, or choirs, or at the very least a "bell-boy/angel sort of thing?"
the fabled gates to which she was referring was a simple, white picket fence, surrounding a peacefull wood, a small "kissing gate" was the only entrance (besides the obvious hopping of the fence) she could see in any direction. she turned back towards the elevator.
"thats strange, it's not there anymore, i could have sworn....." she trailed off slowly. where she thought the elevator that she had arrived on there was an empty meadow, "right on the edge of the woods?" she asked aloud.
Both stretched off as far as she could see, separted by that same white picket fence.
"oh well, might as well just see where the gate leads me" and she started down the path through the woods and out of sight.....


hows that?  

[serephemeral]

To Juggler and Amenthyst: Please post these in your own threads. I'm having you do this so that the threads don't get overcrowded and confusing. If you could please move your pieces, that would be wonderful. ^.^

To Collote: Much better. ^.^ I really like the lines 'As my words unlock' and 'For three long years // I've been delighted even as I shed tears', although it's a general rule to spell out your numbers up to 10. Keep polishing, it's definately coming along!  

[Collote]

Veiled Seraph

To Juggler and Amenthyst: Please post these in your own threads. I'm having you do this so that the threads don't get overcrowded and confusing. If you could please move your pieces, that would be wonderful. ^.^

To Collote: Much better. ^.^ I really like the lines 'As my words unlock' and 'For three long years // I've been delighted even as I shed tears', although it's a general rule to spell out your numbers up to 10. Keep polishing, it's definately coming along!

Thanks. (:

Oh, hah, I must've been really lazy when I typed the poem. Usually I spell numbers out... I'm glad you pointed that out.  

[Collote]

PLEASE post your writing in your own forum. Thanks!