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Ok, this one has been haunting me since my second year of college. It isn't my best work, but it is still one of my most spectacular failures and I think that merits its own special place in my heart. So here goes. This was submitted to a scholarly journal that ended up taking my poetry instead. I figured it was because of the stories ending (I'm not good at endings) so I sacked the old ending and proffer two replacements. Let me know what
you guys think, even some suggestions on a better ending or ending style would be nice.
The Great Pancake Wars
It was the first day of fall quarter at Platypus University in the Land Beyond Beyond where we all lived. All around town students were packing their cars and getting ready to head out. The rustling of clothes and the sounds of suitcases being slammed into trunks could be heard echoing through the streets. I was ready. I had packed the night before and decided to head out early to beat the traffic. I should have known I wouldn’t be the only one with that idea. As soon as I got my car out of the garage I was locked in traffic. From every driveway down the block cars were backing out trying to get a jump in front of everyone else. Thankfully there were no accidents.
After a long stay in traffic I was on my way. But unfortunately for me and all other students of Platypus University our journey was just beginning. Traffic had deadlocked fourteen miles down the road, and upon leaving my vehicle for further investigation it became apparent that the only bridge across the Gimungus River was washed out. Without the bridge there was no way to reach Platypus University on the island in the middle. There was a long pause as all the students gathered at the end of the road. We were dumbstruck. What would we do now.
“PANCAKES!” a shout rose out of the silence. It was the town baker who, a student himself, was also prevented from reaching his goal. He stood now on top a car for all to see.
“We need pancakes.” he said, as if to convince us that the Intercontinental Hotel Of Pancakes was the answer.
“Brilliant!” someone exclaimed, “That’s absolutely brilliant!”
“Pancakes,” the baker explained “will be the easiest way for us to reach the other side. We can make two giant pancakes, that should be enough to carry us.”
There was much discussion amongst the crowd, and much to my surprise it was not over how ludicrous this plan seemed. Instead the discussion seemed to be over whether a pancake capable of floating on the river or a pancake capable of flying over it would be best suited as transportation. After many hours of loud discussion, through all of which I sat dumbfounded, it was decided that one pancake would be baked capable of floating and one would be baked capable of flight. At this time it should be known that while the art of pancake locomotion was not uncommon in the past, it had long since been given up for the automobile and its ability to go a week without rotting or being eaten by the local animals.
Many hours went by and the two groups of students labored hard to create their pancakes. I sat around, though not alone, for this idea almost everyone seemed so sure of still felt weird to me and a few other students. Suddenly there were shouts of triumph from both groups as they had simultaneously completed their master pieces. A call was sounded for pancake boarding. It seemed that both groups had determined that their pancake would be faster than the other and decided that a quick launch would allow them the better selection of rooms in the dormitories at the University. While this idea seemed to me less ludicrous that its predecessors I still found myself incapable of boarding a pancake to get to school.
While all the boarding was finalizing, me and a few of the more capable swimmers from our city dove into the river and began our trek to the other side. With the aid of a giant horseshoe crab someone had befriended we even managed to bring our luggage, or at least what we didn’t mind getting completely soaked. It was soon apparent to those of us swimming that we were not quite as fast as the pancakes. They passed us quickly and began to head steadily toward the opposite shore. But it was not to be such an easy journey for them. Apparently while the baking was occurring, plans were being formed in secret. Plans for the elimination of the opposing pancake.
No sooner had the flying pancake and floating pancake come into alignment above and below one another, that a barrage of birdseed was launched upward and a rain of fish food fell from above. It seemed that both the groups were going to rely on the hungry nature of the local animals to eliminate their opposition. And it was working. All the birds within miles began to peck away at the flying pancake, and all the fish who could smell it were nibbling upon the floating one.
Despite the efforts of the pancakes’ passengers to ward off the animals the pancakes were rapidly decreasing in size. Soon people began to fall from their pancakes and sink into the water. Some managed to swim back to shore while others were either eaten by fish who mistook them for parts of the pancakes or drown. When it all was over the only ones of us who made it to the university were the ones who started the journey swimming and the four students, including the baker, who had managed to stay on the last piece of the floating pancake. We pulled ourselves on shore and breathed in a sigh of relief.
“That was BRILLIANT!” exclaimed a voice from behind us.
“Your experiment on human behavior in competitive situations is absolutely astounding!” a professor was now clearly standing before us, addressing the baker. “With this research and your final findings I can assure you a passing grade and your degree here at Platypus University. Congratulations Mr. Peterson. Congratulations!”
Upon this announcement those of us who had managed to stand immediately face planted into the sand.
“Why?” I asked. “How could you?”
Ending one:
“Well,” answered the baker, “It’s simple. If you want to get ahead in life, you have to be willing to make sacrifices.”
After a pause long enough to be awkward I sighed in relief. After all it was almost the solstice of the dark moon and the time of my demonology final. And if you want to get ahead in life, you have to be willing to make sacrifices.
Ending two:
“Well,” answered the baker, “It’s simple. If you want to make good pancakes you have to crack a few eggs.”
After a pause long enough to be awkward I sighed. Well at least I wasn’t called for in the recipe.
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