The Tonberry Epic (Working Title) Chapter 5 Holy Dialogue!

[Tonberry Crunch]

Well, I figure that more people would see my story this way.

PROLOGUE: http://gaiaonline.com/journal/journal.php?mode=view&post_id=24045359&u=8481456

CHAPTER 1: http://gaiaonline.com/journal/journal.php?mode=view&post_id=24062845&u=8481456

CHAPTER 2: http://gaiaonline.com/journal/journal.php?mode=view&post_id=24086613&u=8481456

CHAPTER 3: http://www.gaiaonline.com/journal/journal.php?mode=view&post_id=24168887&u=8481456

CHAPTER 4: http://www.gaiaonline.com/journal/journal.php?mode=view&post_id=24389979&u=8481456

CHAPTER 5:http://www.gaiaonline.com/journal/journal.php?mode=view&post_id=25501253&u=8481456

Boredom fuels me to write more!  

[Keeskee]

Very cool! Unfortunately, I don't have time to read it all right now, but I'll get down to it tomorrow. smile  

[Tonberry Crunch]

C'mon guys! Give me feedback and comments. Post!  

[Owwin]

It is moving really really fast, and I think you should slow it down if you ever decide to rewrite it. The story seems a little typical, but I'll bet you have something uo your sleeve.  

[Tonberry Crunch]

Chapter 3 is done, read on.  

[Owwin]

Chapter 3 could use more imagery and figurative language. It would help us visualize what is going on. Also you used the word glade a lot. Many of my teachers have warned me about stale language. Synonyms are nice, and dialogue will give you access to a wider variety of words in which to immerse the reader, so the sooner you introduce another character the better. Then again rushing it would be a problem too because it will seem forced. Ease into it. I can't wait for the next one.  

[Tonberry Crunch]

I edited Chapter 3 a bit. Chapter 4 won't come until more boredom sweeps me over.

I hope the new Chapter 3 is better.  

[Owwin]

You switch between tenses a bit, but I like it. I don't want you to be bored, but I would like to see what you have planned for 4.  

[Tonberry Crunch]

Whoooo...Boredom led me to create this baby...Chapter 4!


Suspense! Passion! Death! (Not rly...)  

[TooHyphy]

s**t s**t s**t WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

xd

I like it so far. Keep it up Ton!  

[Tonberry Crunch]

Chapter 5 is finally done! Thank you, boredom!  

[Owwin]

It could use a little cleaning up, but I really like it. Ter'Gullocks sound awesome.  

[Tonberry Crunch]

Yeah, the end should be revised in my opinion. My little sister was being a brat about me being on the computer. I kinda rushed it to make her quit.