Opinions Please

[Marshy82]

Okay. . . I'm really nervous right now. I hope you like this little bit of my story, "And The Raine Falls"

P.S Please note that they are vampires.

Quote:

My name is Raine. Interesting name, huh? It means Queen. My “mother’s” name is Renee. It means “Reborn.” Ironic, isn’t it? Ha ha ha. It’s so funny, isn’t it? Yes, I was using sarcasm. My brothers’ names are Celeste, Blaze, and Acel. My family has weird names, don’t they?

“Come on lisp boy!” I call to Blaze trotting down the stairs. Once, I felt bored so I looked up the meanings of all of our names and found that Blaze’s met lisp and stuttering. Ever since, I’ve been calling him Lisp Boy. My cell rang and I looked at its caller ID. There it said “Stella.” My best friend. She is a vampire too. Lucky me.
“Hey Stell.” I said. “Hey! Better hurry up, you, Blazey, and Ace!” Stella said. I laughed as I snapped my phone shut. “Come on Lisp boy and Ace, Stells waiting for us!” I called. Blaze ran down the stairs, smacking me in the head. I ducked, a second too late.
Blaze had fire-red hair, true to his name. His eyes were very dark, almost black. He was tall and muscular. If I wasn’t his “sister” I might think he was pretty cute. I had long, black hair that almost reaches my butt. I have deep blue eyes, and long eyelashes. I am short, but with extreme features. My brothers call me the little Pixie. So does Stella.
Acel runs down the stairs, Celeste following him. Acel, which means Adherent of a nobleman, has brown hair and green eyes. He was a medium height but not as muscular as Blaze. Celeste had blond hair and hazel eyes. He was taller than Blaze and no noticeable muscles.
Celeste always kept to himself, so I didn’t really know him. Blaze was loud and obnoxious, the true older brother. Acel was in-between. He was really sweet but can be loud. A mix between the others.
I was the only girl besides Renee. I pulled on my coat and backpack and ran out to Stella’s car. “Hey Stell!” I cried. “Hey Raine!” Stella laughed. Stella had long blond hair and green eyes. She was pretty tall and soft features. Stella smiled lightly and waited for Blaze and Acel to come out.
I knew for a fact that she had a crush on Acel. I think she would look good with him. However, whenever I mention this she blows it off. I also knew for a fact Blaze has a crush on Stella. I promised I wouldn’t tell though.

Wow. . . What do you know, it's actually a lot longer than I thought it was. . . Oh well, I guess.  

[Tsuki_Hana_Chan]

I realized that most people here give advise by just saying they really like a piece of work or don’t really respond. I decided to finally critic something so here is my advice on the writing. Please don’t take it offensively just because there is critic. These are all suggestions that I believe would make your writing better so you can either take them or throw them out the window. It’s up to you.

I would suggest not telling the reader what each name means. Personally, as a reader, I don’t care much. Unless this has a big part in the story I would say get rid of it. Keep Lisp Boy because that one would be confusing but get rid of all the others.

Also, don’t just state how each character looks like. I find it hard to remember when people do that and it gets kind of annoying. Besides, most people will picture a character the way they want to even with a description. Definitely mention if the character has something distinctive about them like a scar, or missing finger, etc. The rest doesn’t really matter. If you really want it in there then just incorporate it into what each character is doing later on. “I brushed my long black hair away from my face as I watched Stella talk about my brother” something along those lines. I think most people go through the phase where they have to describe the character right away. I couldn’t break that habit for a long time. Most of my stories were just that because I would stop right after.

You also have a missing word here and there and sometimes you switch tenses. This one’s hard to keep in check so make sure you double-check it.

And lastly, don’t get discouraged and keep writing! Especially since you’re so young. (I looked at your journal.) I applaud you just for posting so others can see. I don’t think I could ever do it myself. I think if you revise this and give the reader a little more detail about what is going on, this could be a very interesting story. heart  

[Marshy82]

Thanks for the crit! I really love it when people do that, because then it can help people. Thank you so much, that really helped.  

[Tsuki_Hana_Chan]

You’re welcome. It really annoys me when people just say they like something or don't like it and don't give any reasons for it. It doesn't really help the writer at all. (Though I’m probably guilty of doing it myself.)  

[Marshy82]

It's okay. I'm pretty sure we all have been guilty of it. I sure have. Hehe. Though I must say thank you again. It always is harder for a writer to critisise their own work. smile  

[AmenthystMoon]

nonononononono, sry Tsuki_Hana_Chan but i completely disagree abt the names. i use them and meanings in practically everything i write, it helps develop character, even if the author doesn't explain the meanings to the reader, the author themselves knowing is beneficial because often it creates a certain bond that makes the character more real and more like a friend than a fictional charcter. i'm saying this from experience. go for it, it sounds great so keep it up! i would agree that mebbe more plot could be added but as for the setting up of the story, it's great  

[Tsuki_Hana_Chan]

Not trying to be rude or anything but I can’t take you for a serious writer. You don’t capitalize or spell out your words, which most writers tend to do. I know my writing isn’t perfect but at least I try.

Anyways, what I was saying about the whole name thing wasn’t that she couldn’t have meanings and know them. If it helps you then it’s great! But most people don’t want to actually read about it. If I said that Adam means man and earth, Akira means intelligent, Albert means noble and famous, and Alan means rock, a hundred pages later you still wouldn’t care and most likely would not remember which name means what.

I’ve also had my experience of choosing names and meanings and I’ve found out that most of the time I would try to either match the personality with the word or I would do the opposite. That, to me, is not a very lifelike character. My real name is supposed to mean pure but I can’t say I am, though, I wouldn’t say I’m dirty or tainted either. I could read a book where the persons name was Bob or something that I don’t particularly like and I could still love the character. Names don’t matter much to most people when they read. I never really liked Harry’s name but I still loved the books.  

[Marshy82]

Tsuki_Hana_Chan

Not trying to be rude or anything but I can’t take you for a serious writer. You don’t capitalize or spell out your words, which most writers tend to do. I know my writing isn’t perfect but at least I try.

Anyways, what I was saying about the whole name thing wasn’t that she couldn’t have meanings and know them. If it helps you then it’s great! But most people don’t want to actually read about it. If I said that Adam means man and earth, Akira means intelligent, Albert means noble and famous, and Alan means rock, a hundred pages later you still wouldn’t care and most likely would not remember which name means what.

I’ve also had my experience of choosing names and meanings and I’ve found out that most of the time I would try to either match the personality with the word or I would do the opposite. That, to me, is not a very lifelike character. My real name is supposed to mean pure but I can’t say I am, though, I wouldn’t say I’m dirty or tainted either. I could read a book where the persons name was Bob or something that I don’t particularly like and I could still love the character. Names don’t matter much to most people when they read. I never really liked Harry’s name but I still loved the books.

I agree a ton. I never really thought of that actually, so I'm really glad you brought that up. Thanks, again.  

[Marshy82]

AmenthystMoon

nonononononono, sry Tsuki_Hana_Chan but i completely disagree abt the names. i use them and meanings in prectically everything i write, it helps develope character, even if the author doesn't explain the meanings to the reader, the author themselves knowing is beneficail because often it creates a ceratin bond that makes the character more real and more limefirend than a fictional charcter. i'm saying this from experience. go for it, it sounds great so keep it up! i wou;d agree that mebbe more plot could be added but as for the setting up of the stry, it's great

Umm... Actually, I don't agree with my own work (haha). However, my plot is fully developed and that was only an exerpt, so it doesn't include much plot.  

[Collote]

Lots of "isn't it?" in the beginning... and starting out by stating your name doesn't really encourage a reader to continue reading your story. Maybe change the beginning? Give it a little more 'umph'. xD

Other than that, great job. Keep it up!  

[Marshy82]

Collote

Lots of "isn't it?" in the beginning... and starting out by stating your name doesn't really encourage a reader to continue reading your story. Maybe change the beginning? Give it a little more 'umph'. xD

Other than that, great job. Keep it up!

Thanks for the advice! I love constructive advice. smile  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Ok, i'm not going to read what anyone else has written until i'm done with my own opinion. I'm gonna lay it on you truthfully (like always), but more bluntly than I usually do: I dislike it, and think it sounds completely un-realistic. Please, people do NOT talk to or about other people like that. If it wasn't in quotation marks it might have been okay, but... no. I have no idea what the setting is, and beyond a character's (vs. narrator) shallow description of herself and others, I know little about any of them - they are very flat.

To make it better:

Come up with a nickname someone would actually use - "lisp-boy" is unlikely in my opinion, because people do not call each other "x-boy" or "x-girl".

Stating things like "oh yeah, they're a vamp too - what happy coincidence!" is not something a character-narrator would do; to the character such a thing is obvious and entirely subconscious unless they're in a situation in which it would make a large, emotional difference. A narrator-narrator might say something like that, so simply changing the speaker would fix that.

Talking directly to the reader distances the reader from your story; it places the reader into an out-of-body observer's place, instead of in the action. This isn't a problem, it's just something to watch for and decide how you want the reader to feel when they read your work.

Watch for verb tenses. Switching from past to describe yourself a few lines from using a form of present to describe someone else is unnerving to read.

Read your work to yourself, aloud. it will make your editing dramatically easier and more thorough.

Blackwoods-article style. Good choice; it gives your work a definite character. I'm not going to say it is unused any more; I have now seen quite a few things here in this style. Regardless, it is still a unique style.

This isn't as important, but: You have introduced like 5 or 6 characters in less than 500 words, and begin to describe their relationships bluntly (without using their actions to describe them, I mean: "Show, don't tell" sort of thing). I am challenged to remember all of this - learning new characters and memorizing all their physical features, and relationships- and I consider myself a mindful, decent reader.

Stuff I liked:

Blackwoods-article style.

Character names: unrealistic or not, they're fun and (hopefully will) expand upon what you have told the reader about them.

Including verbs in speech: this is a good way to keep action moving, believable, and realistic, plus it makes your writing sound "better", whatever that means.

Okay, now i'll read what everyone else had to say XD.

EDIT: (post-reading other comments) Okay, i'm glad you won't take my criticism too harshly. Points for you =) ! About the name-descriptions: I dislike those as well, and if you were to include them, make them relevant or meaningful, and scatter them to significant points of the story that the reader will remember. Otherwise, it's nearly a waste of time.

What Collote said: Yes, I agree =) . But be sure to check the beginnings of all your sentences, and try not to use the same word(s) to begin a sentence too often, and especially not adjacently.

On a personal note: It does not matter what age you are; anyone of any age can be a great writer. You may not have as large a vocabulary or exposure to style that a writer of 50 or 60 might have, but what you can have that they have also is a good grammatical sense in editing, and realism. What you can have that is better might be a knack for plot, identifiable characters and speech, and capacity for real, primal emotion. My advice is to play on an even field in terms of mechanics, then let your strengths as an individual set your writing apart from writers, even seasoned ones.  

[Marshy82]

Priestess of Neptune, thanks! This really does help. I really love it when people tell me what they don't like. It helps so much. I most likely will re-write the whole story. Luckily, I'm not that far in! smile  

[rachyrach16xo]

I personally really liked how the story started out! It was very detailed in the personal descriptions, but I think you should mainly focus on the protagonist(main character of your story) at first, so the reader has an idea of where Raine is coming from as a character. I'm also writing a fictional story and the story also comes from a first person point of view. So just a little tip, let the reader get to know the character better, so they can relate to her as much as possible. But really great story so far! biggrin  

[Marshy82]

rachyrach16xo

I personally really liked how the story started out! It was very detailed in the personal descriptions, but I think you should mainly focus on the protagonist(main character of your story) at first, so the reader has an idea of where Raine is coming from as a character. I'm also writing a fictional story and the story also comes from a first person point of view. So just a little tip, let the reader get to know the character better, so they can relate to her as much as possible. But really great story so far! biggrin

Thanks! I'll work on it. You see, I'm not really used to first person, because I used to mainly do third person.