*Sigh* This is a first for me, posting my writing publicly. It's part of chapter one of a story I've been brainstorming for a few years. I actually wrote a lot of it a long time ago but I'm redoing it.
A couple pieces of feedback I'd like are:
1. Commas. I tend to be a comma freak so please let me know if you see improper use of them. smile
2. Did you like/dislike the way I introduced the main character and his name?
3. Did I confuse you in the way I introduced the other characters?
I'm mostly horrible at beginning my stories. So, if you do have anything negative to say please be nice and give advice to follow along with it.
*Warning: small amount of content may be offensive.*
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A couple pieces of feedback I'd like are:
1. Commas. I tend to be a comma freak so please let me know if you see improper use of them. smile
2. Did you like/dislike the way I introduced the main character and his name?
3. Did I confuse you in the way I introduced the other characters?
I'm mostly horrible at beginning my stories. So, if you do have anything negative to say please be nice and give advice to follow along with it.
*Warning: small amount of content may be offensive.*
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When he was by himself he left the house dark. He lived with his older brother and sister-in-law who let him stay there in secret. He was careful to hide his presence there, if he was discovered he would be arrested and so would the homeowners. Since they were risking their lives for him the least he could do for the only people he cared for was to not get caught.
Caution was more than a priority; it was his life – constantly on guard. He worked third shift so he wasn’t leaving and entering in daylight. The construction company allowed him to work using an alias while being paid under the table, due to influence from his brother. The car he drove was nothing desirable, old and slightly rusted; normal. He wore a hat every time he was out, along with jeans and plain colored shirts.
Inside the he had only a few items to claim as his own, all of which he kept in the pockets of his jacket: his cash, house key and car keys, and deodorant. His extra clothes and other necessities he kept in a bag under the bed in the guest room he stayed in. There was nothing of personality in his room. If the worst happened there should be nothing of his left behind.
He had come home after a longer than usual shift from work. The house would be empty again, he parked half a block away and used a neighbor’s driveway to navigate through a few backyards and use the backdoor to enter his house. He had never been caught doing this. The residents rarely put up fences and were used to the streets being prowled since all of the neighborhood kids were friends with each other.
He was exhausted from work but didn’t want to go to bed dirty. Once he was confident he was the only one there, he made sure the curtains and blinds were shut tight and turned on the living room TV with low volume for illumination. The glare from the television let enough light into the bathroom for a quick shower. He wasn’t worried about the noise from the running water; it wasn’t loud enough to grab attention. The hot water on the tight knots and muscles almost relaxed him into sleep standing up. He wanted to stay in longer but couldn’t risk it. Groaning as he stepped over the tub into the open air he towel dried himself and wrapped it around his lower torso. Wish I could have a smoke right now, he thought to himself while watching the steam dissipate, reminding him of the only addition that kept him calm. Unfortunately, he couldn’t go to the store when he needed to without risking exposure.
He shoved the wet towel into the laundry shoot on his way to the bedroom. While he felt around in his bag in the almost-dark he listened to the faint TV. The morning news was just coming on and it was only then he realized exactly how late he had gotten in. He preferred sleeping in the nude but since at any moment he could be forced to flee, he made due with sleeping in boxers and sweats. While he dressed the news repeated an on-going mystery about a local high school cheerleading squad who seemed to have “disappeared at the same time”. Obviously there were no leads and they suspect that the girls had run away from home together. They proceeded to give their names and appearances urging anyone with information to contact… Blah, blah, blah, he’d stopped listening. He was tired of hearing the story: “such a tragedy, those poor and innocent girls were probably abducted”. The truth would be buried with the three of them that he knew personally. He grinned when he remembered them in their best moment, drunk, naked and moaning from underneath him. Nothing else he knew, but still he held no sympathy.
Sympathy was an empty promise in his philosophy. He flopped onto the bed and began to drift into sleep while pondering the events of his past leading up to the present. He woke up half an hour later in sweat. Whatever the dream he just had he’d forgotten already, but he was glad. He lived a worse nightmare than he could dream.
The TV was still flickering from down the hall. Groggily he sat up and stumbled through the doorway to shut it off and retreat back to bed. The local weather forecast was calling for continual rain as he flicked it off. With the noise gone he could in fact hear that in that short period of time it had started to rain. Soft thunder was heard in the distance. He sighed, storms were never a favorite, he hoped he was tired enough to sleep through the whole thing.
A ringing pierced through the house and gave him a start. He grabbed his chest and took a breath. The house phone was ringing. No one ever called at this time, he worried his brother was calling about an emergency. The caller ID lit up on the end table in the room and he rushed to see the number.
It was coming from a payphone. His heart started to race. He didn’t own a cell phone for this reason, the only time someone would dial him from a payphone was because the caller was about to deal bad news.
He knew the procedure in answering. He held his breath and lifted the phone to his ear and listened until the voice on the other end was recognizable.
“Vince! Hey man it’s me!”
It was his supervisor from his construction job, Gabe. Perhaps also the only “real” friend he has besides the family he lives with.
Vince responded. “What’s the problem?”
“Are Jack and Nadine at home with ya right now?”
“No, they’re still on vacation. Why, did something happen to them?” Vince demanded.
“Good, you’ve no time for a sappy goodbye then-“
“Gabe just tell me what the hell you’re talking about! Did something happen to them?”
“Alright, alright,” Gabe stammered. “Nothing happened to your brother or all that. But the cops just came by the site askin’ about ya. I ain’t told ‘em nothin’ though. You know what to do, I got ya covered here.”
“s**t. Ok, thanks. Appreciate the heads up,” Vince slammed the phone on the receiver.
He had a fleeting hoped that Gabe knew he was grateful but left the rest of his thought to the play-by-play for the situation he always feared. In a haze he wrenched on his jacket while yanking the bag from under his bed. He sprinted down the short hallway toward the backdoor while turning the framed picture by the door sideways – a signal only he, Jack and Nadine knew about, that he had to run without saying goodbye. He slammed the door shut behind him and headed for the thick woods that was the neighborhood’s backyard. Mud flew up on either side of him and splashed onto his face and bare chest. He was thankful for his stamina level, his plan had run out up to this point, he had no hideout so he would run as far and as fast as he could.
