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 Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:45 pm
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Constructive criticism please? It'll be greatly appreciated. =D
This is a short story that I'm working and... I will post more when I get some interest.
“Darling, will you do the honors of cleaning the plates off this grand table?” he asked, his eyes glued to the fragile woman across the lengthy counter. In his mind, she nodded with a smile and departed the dining room, a stack of dishes in her hand. The image he saw with his eyes disagreed; the lady’s head fell to her shoulder with no hope of ever gaining balance on her neck again.
He imagined that her neck wasn’t broken, that she really did nod, and that she was ready to leave her throne at any moment. A sigh fit itself into his regular breathing, proclaiming its arrival loudly.
No, he could not get frustrated.
“I apologize; that was rude,” he began. “You are the guest, so I insist that I do the honors.”
He chuckled playfully, aiming to show his guest that he could be a gentleman. In his mind, he saw a tense man who was prepared for the worst, a man quite the opposite of the gentleman. He knew he had to stop imagining- he could never tell whether it was his eyes or his mind that was telling the truth- but sometimes his mind seemed more secure than the surrounding world.
All though he only vaguely knew it, she didn’t mind the man’s flaws anymore; she didn’t care about his terrible actions or his sighs. On the other hand, he couldn’t seem to trust her because she never spoke or ate.
After taking the dishes half way around the world to the kitchen where they would later be washed, the man returned to reclaim his place across the table.
“Did you enjoy your meal?” He wasn’t looking for an answer this time; instead he closed his eyes to daydream.
In his mind, she replied, “Yes, I did. Thank you kind sir.” In his mind, he went crazy thinking about the love he wished he still had for her. In his mind, he saw her wavy, brunette hair, her eyes the color of a confident sea, her poreless, porcelain skin. He saw her twisted neck and a gaping, bloody hole where if, one looked deeper, they’d notice she was missing her heart.
Startled, the man opened his eyes, immediately searching for her beautiful face. He only found the same image he had seen in his mind- horror, absolute disaster- and her beating heart being suffocated by his clenched hands. With a sob, the man realized he wasn't safe anywhere; not even his mind.
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She had had a perfect, soothing voice that naturally flowed with her piano. Beneficial for Edward, her body rested comfortably, with room to spare, inside of his grand piano. He felt that it was the best hiding place, being in a position she would feel most at home and at peace.
Cellos, along with all orchestra instruments, are designed to look like a human with their necks, a curved body and a back. Edward’s cello now contained a heart, making the instrument more humanly. As he emotionally played the cello-now his only friend- he imagined the heart was beating in rhythm with the song. If he took apart the cello once again, he’d see the failing heart next to the endpin making a bloody mess.
He resided in a mansion much like Dracula’s; Gothic, huge and in the middle of no where. No one came to visit, no one questioned his wealth. If the girl was missed, he would be the last one accused.
It was flawlessly yet coincidently set up; Edward would never be caught. Still, he knew he had never felt this monstrous before; he missed her and, more than anything else, wanted her back.
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Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:46 pm
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There is more to this section but I left my notebook at school... ]:
This is before the part above. I'll probably change a lot of the other part because some of it doesn't match this part... Haha, hope that made sense.
Anyways, enjoy! =D
The sun’s beams reflected off the majestic diamond chandelier, giving the ballroom a delightful gleam. The finest men and women gathered in the room, celebrating through violins, ballroom shoes, and champagne. They came to display their wealth and hear the latest gossip.
Edward was searching the faces for her, just as a predator searches for their prey. He took a quick, deep breath through his mouth in admiration; the prey was found.
She stood elegantly, a champagne glass held inches from her strikingly red lips, waiting patiently to be drunk as the woman laughed. The hoop of her dress under the silk material slightly swayed as she spoke, the light bouncing off the pink-color of her expensive outfit. She wore a white-pearl necklace, matching her hanging pearl earrings. Her gorgeous brunette, wavy hair was up in a bun, a single strand resting perfectly on the side of her face. He found himself lost in her lively, royal blue eyes, reading every emotion she’s every felt; the feeling of being upset, confident, delighted… in love.
Love is what he saw in her the most. It engulfed her eyes, her mind, and her movements with its wonder. He knew what love looked like, because he was feeling it for her.
He looked away, pain in his heart, directing his glance towards the man whose company Elizabeth was enjoying.
He was wearing a black tuxedo that had been designed by one of the incomparable tailors. He was a toned man, whose face was pleasing to the eye. His hair was uncontrollably curly, so he covered it with a top hat. A smile spread across his face, showing his white teeth. His eyes were similar to Elizabeth’s; he was in love.
This man was familiar to Edward and so was this scene; he had seen the two together more than once. They were in love: Elizabeth and this well-cut man.
Edward suddenly felt his heart explode with love for Elizabeth and anger towards this man. His chest surged with pain, causing him to gasp with the need to tear his beating heart out from behind its skeleton cage. He intently stared at Elizabeth, trying to make her love him, trying to make the searing pain stop. He could only love her more.
Time for Edward passed uncomfortably slow as the lovers chatted and giggled, oblivious to the departing nobles.
Before Edward knew it, the mansion dimmed to an eerie glow, leaving him with the couple. He cleared his throat, attempting to give them the message to leave.
“I apologize,” the man said, unlocking his eyes from Elizabeth. “We shall go.”
Edward nodded, noticing the couple’s intertwined hands.
In order to dispose of all awkwardness, the man said, “This has been a charming evening; thank you for being our host.”
Again, Edward only nodded in response.
“This is a beautiful estate.”
“Indeed,” Elizabeth chimed, agreeing with her lover.
Edward’s heart ached at the sound of her voice.
“Be careful returning to your home,” was the only comment the host made before the guests nodded quickly and exited the building.
Edward followed right behind them, grabbing the closest object he could find-a marble statue. Holding the piece of art above his head, he used their distant voices as a guide.
He clipped Elizabeth on the head roughly enough to make a muffled thud, knocking her out.
Horrified, the gentleman struggled to release the statue from Edward’s grasp. Edward mocked him with a giggle, slamming the stone into the man’s temple, instantly killing him.
A loud deafening sound entered the atmosphere as Edward dropped his marble statue. The noise hastily made its rounds to surrounding areas, and then slowly died like the ripples of a stone hitting water.
The sound filled Edward’s heart with realization of what he had done. His heart greedily digested the sickly wonderful feeling; Edward could now have what his heart had always longed for.
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Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 4:19 pm
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"With a sob, the man realized no where" -- this is the one, singular sentence that does not match the rest of your style perfectly. Okay, I take that back, but I don't think "no where" really works, even if I might have seen it in old lit. It's in here in one other place, too. It's your call on whether to change it or not; I'm of the opinion that this would be better without it.
"her body rested comfortable" -- Yes, comfortable is valid; but in this particular case it feels *slightly* awkward, even with the amount of old literature I read, which is similar to your usage here.
My opinion:
Wow, this has been edited! I'm so pleased! Okay, besides my initial joy of reading something in its final state, I say that I really enjoyed this - it is polished, has a well-developed character for the length, and creates a wealth of plot possibilities. The only part that caught me off-guard is the way in which you state her head is at an angle, then later mention the gaping hole. This is really a great way to give your character roundness though, so I personally would not change it. Post more, please (I'm showing interest!)?
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 11:44 am
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Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 7:27 pm
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 1:48 pm
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Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 3:44 pm
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Sat Jan 31, 2009 7:07 am
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Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 12:04 am
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Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 2:05 pm
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Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 5:00 pm
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Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 5:48 pm
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Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 7:40 pm
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On the second part you submitted:
"finest men and women" -- of the town? We need something to relate them to here.
"waiting patiently to be drunk as the woman laughed" -- perhaps you want to use women plural, or indicate a singular one more specifically? I'm not sure who you are talking about.
"reflected off" and later "bounced off" -- it's not perfect repetition, but it's too similar for my taste, and too close to a cliche. Perhaps her dress diffracted the light into hues of pale rose and salmon or something? (note: yes, I know what diffraction is, but I don't think anyone else will care- it will sound fancy and they shall be pleased about it, lol)
You're starting many sentences with "He"; I noticed four in a row at one point.
Your repetition of the word "love" is good; if you change the style to "Show don't tell", leaving that repetition in is imperative for creating something very concrete. It's good right now though, too.
"Love is what he saw in her the most. It engulfed her eyes, her mind, and her movements with its wonder" -- I'm not sure if love is something that the lovee is infused with, I think the lover is the one who sees it.
"He looked away, pain in his heart, directing his glance towards the man whose company Elizabeth was enjoying." -- Okay, I thought she was getting drunk with another woman or by herself? Please fix continuation!
"unlocking his eyes from Elizabeth." -- there is a very fine distinction here b/w "Elizabeth" and "Elizabeth's", which determines the nature of the well-bred gentleman. Does he love her, or is he seducing her? This is very important. EDIT: okay, it says just a bit later that he is in love with her, so changing it to "Elizabeth's" is necessary.
"slowly died like the ripples" -- comma after died.
The whole thing is in a past tense! While that's okay, I think that this would sound much better in a present tense. Some of the action is a little dragging in past ex. "Edward was searching the faces for her, just as a predator searches for their prey. He took a quick, deep breath through his mouth in admiration; the prey was found." I fine as it is, but I feel would be more moving and in action if it were present.
This whole second one is in a different style than the first! I haven't checked to see if the tenses b/w the two pieces match yet, but something is most... oh! This one is much more concrete: we have people doing standard human things, with references to concrete objects, but the first piece was almost entirely a soliloquy (well, all of it really since she was dead, but somehow I feel that talking to a dead person is no longer soliloquy, unless it is apostrophe), taking place inside the character's head, with few mentions of setting and concrete objects (don't change the first one! The lack of setting is fine, because we know the mood very well)
Also, you're doing much more "telling" in the second one, vs. "showing". "Showing" will make your pieces much stronger than telling ever will, no matter how carefully constructed your "tellings" might be.
The number of adjectives is great; some of the contrasts between them are good (ex. hastily then slowly). My only advice on these is to use adjectives or descriptive verbs that are less common, or used in a context totally dissimilar to how they are normally used (ex. "His heart ached its way to the set of marble tiles upon which they danced" This shows emotion, movement, and setting all in one sentence, and does it an an attention-grabbing, unconventional way).
The plot progression is good, we know that a large ball is happening, and that after an unidentified long while the story continues- killing time and making it obvious like this is good in this instance =). The dialogue of the separate characters is different, distinctly enough that we know they aren't the same person, but alike enough to know that all of them are pompous gits (excuse my phrasing).
Overall I like the first one better, and think that it would be better as a stand alone than it would coupled with this, because the styles are too different. I want to know: did you hand write one of these, but type the other?
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 12:35 pm
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