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 Posted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 7:48 pm
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Hi people! Well, I just want to put some of the novel, Moonlight, I'm working on currently out there for feedback! Please comment! Basically, It's about this girl, Tanya, who moves from California to Maine, and gets to start anew but she hates it! She hates Maine, and the new prep group that sucked her in as a new prep! Then she sees a deadly fight going on in an empty hallway, two twins, who are seemingly trying to kill each other. They need to keep a secret from her, that she has been highly exposed to now. So, they practically kill when they need a cover for her being late. The mysterious twins are Cameron and Kaltilin, two vampires. But she begins to accept Cameron and Kaitlin, and soon they are frineds. But with Cameron, she want to be more.And yeah, sorry for the long descrpition, here's the actual thing!(part of it)
"What?!"I screeched. The past year that I had known Cameron flashed memories through my head. "A vamp-" I started but I couldn't bring myself to finish that one terrifying word. Cameron, my Cameron, a monster? It must be a dream- or a nightmare. I furiously shook my head trying to pull my self to consciousness. Nothing happened, everything was real. But, suddenly my shock turned to rage. Why hadn’t he told me? Why had he tried so hard to keep a secret from me?! For once since I had figured out how to prevent his mind reading invasion of privacy, I spoke my mind to Cameron. “Why didn’t you tell me?!” I spat. He flinched at my obvious fury.
“Well," he began cautiously, “it’s a bit more complicated than that.” I rolled my eyes. More excuses. I had a lot more questions that were to be answered honestly.
“Is Kaitlin… one… too?” I inquired, my rage slowly calming. He sighed and mumbled some stupid remark about my questions. After a hesitant pause he finally answered,
“Yes, we have both been vampires for over 300 years; we are immortal, non-aging, super species that are known you humans as vampires.” I glared at him, finally believing that old saying. Yes, the truth did hurt. Angry and hurt I refused to look at his inhuman beauty, I wanted to stay angry and put him in agony for as long as possible.
There go! Please comment and leave some feedback and suggestions! If people like it I'll add the rest of what I've written.
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Posted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 12:58 pm
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 10:26 pm
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 12:20 pm
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I'll give feedback anytime. In creative writing we received a chapter outline for a short novel, in case you want to do a little planning:
Ch 1-5 -- introduce round characters and main conflict
Ch 6-12 -- complications, possibly introduce sub-plot
Ch 13-18 -- rising action, sub plot complication and rising action
Ch 19 -- climax
Ch 20 -- falling action
Use it or not, your choice, and feel free to adapt it. The rising action chapters should get successfully shorter, to draw the reader into the climax faster and faster.
Don't think you are horrible at typing; there are many other things in this guild with less editing done. Sometimes it just helps to get a fresh perspective, who hasn't read it over too many times.
In my own writing, instead of looking far ahead, I keep a list of things I want to include 'sometime' in my essay or story, and just check them off as I use them. If I really like something, I write towards or include a situation where I can use my idea. It's a nice way to remember great ideas, and insert things into a work in the right order.
I suggest finding something special for work from my p.o.v. as a reader, because although your writing itself is fine, (I'm going to be blunt here) I'm not interested by your story. That doesn't mean stop writing, but that without something unique, your writing won't have something to set it apart (if the rest of the story is the same as this excerpt).
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Sat Feb 14, 2009 6:21 am
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If you are actually serious about writing this and actually trying to get it published, I would COMPLETELY start over now. If you're writing it for fun, then it doesn't really matter. You may have started off differently, but it has evolved into something nearly identical to Twilight. The background, the vampire stereotypes, the way your character acts in the short excerpt, even the title are all reminiscent of Twilight. If you want to keep going with this train of thought, I suggest you rework it so that you add in some extremely original ideas. I think that if you did that AND if you reworked the Steph Meyer type vampire, I think it could be pretty good. Your writing is fine, but like Princess of Neptune said, without something that stands out, it just doesn't peak my interest.
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Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:12 pm
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Posted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 4:32 pm
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Reply
