Life Of A Raindrop: Chapter 1

[JaelValentine]

Hi everyone!

I've been away for a while- had to deal with some RL stuff.

Here's part of the first chapter of my new novel, which is currently untitled. The working title is Life of a Raindrop.

Thoughts and criticism are welcome (as well as ideas for a title)!

Quote:

>The pigeon strutted nonchalantly toward me, the picture of cool surrounded by chaos. He didn't flutter his wings- not once. They seemed to be clothing to him- there for the purpose of conforming with society's expectations. No, he walked like an expert on walking, jerking his head back and forth in time with his steps. I found myself staring at such a being. How 'bout a trade? I thought. I'll fly, and you....
>I stopped. What could this character want from me? Mulling over my present condition, I came up with nothing. Then I studied the bird. Hmm... your wings for my brain, I offered. You'll be the smartest pigeon of all time, and I'll leave my cares behind and fly forever.
>What are you talking about? the pigeon replied. You can fly if you want to.
>I started. He was right, just as he was wrong. Of everything I could do, flying was the only one I would really miss, and it was one of the ones I had to hide.
>Why? inquired the pigeon. Why should you hide who you are?
>With that- just as the taxi pulled up- I lifted myself into the air. The midday Central Business District traffic roared under my feet, dissipating as I rose into the hot, thick summer air. I heard the flapping of wings behind me; my new friend had burst into the sky with me, as a sendoff. After I noticed him, he peeled off toward the river. I flittered about for a while, then headed for one of the last skyscrapers at the edge of the CBD. My office was empty, so I phased through the translucent glass window and sat at my desk.
>Mai charged in as I leaned back in my chair. "Ms. Grier..." She frowned, puzzled. "I thought you were with a client! When'd you get back?"
>"Just now," I replied vaguely. "Any news?"
>"Um... the Sanders called to say they're looking at another designer. They haven't decided yet. I think you should meet with them, in person."
>"Why should I do that?"
>She said slowly, "Because... it's your... gifts they're worried about."
>I folded my arms and leaned back a little further.
>"They're both normies- I mean, normal. They're a little wary about dealing with a gifted, even if your powers are harmless." She shrugged. "I mean, I feel your pain-"
>"You should, Mai. You're emphatic."
>"True, but it doesn't take any supernatural gift to see that you don't like dealing with people."
>"Maybe not, but I like making money. Call the Sanders and tell them I'd like to meet them for lunch tomorrow- they can pick the place and time. Have them bring pictures of their new house."
>"Yes, ma'am." Having accomplished what she wanted, Mai happily charged back into the reception lounge. The door swung closed, but not before I caught a glimpse of its black lettering: Eileen Grier, Interior Designer.

 

[Priestess of Neptune]

Mmnnn, before I suggest edits, I need to say a few things. First: Hello! Second: This is the first thing I've read from you, so I'll guess at the amount of editing you want.

the picture of cool surrounded by chaos -- This is a bromide, plus it sounds strange, even though you have a parallel "the".

and you.... -- This is a little OCD, but an ellipses has only three periods. Feel free to leave it as it is, if you want.

The midday Central Business District traffic roared under my feet, dissipating -- I'm not a master grammatician, but I think in this case the CBD is what's dissipating, not the sounds. Is there smog or something causing it to dissipate? If not, you might consider adding something about sound as the subject.

Mai charged in -- She charges out, as well. Consider using a different verb in one of the cases.

with me, as a sendoff. -- The comma isn't necessary, but isn't 'out-of-place', and changes the rhythm of your sentence in a noticeable way. Is this the rhythm you want?

My opinion: This is added to my short list of "things that have been edited at least a little before being posted". I enjoyed this passage, for a multitude of reasons. The character's motivation is round for the length, diction is above the average in this guild, and the passage is didactic. If there is more, I would not dislike reading it without a critical mindset. This is kinda specious, but the way you introduced the name of your character is nearly identical to my method- black letters and all.  

[JaelValentine]

Wow, thanks so much for your effort! You really put thought into this (or maybe you just have a gift for analyzing). I truly appreciate it.

What I did on purpose: The four-period ellipse was meant to be an ellipse followed by a period, although Eileen doesn't quite finish her thought. I wasn't sure what to do about that.

What I didn't even notice: The double-use of "Mai charged." Yikes!

"dissipating": There's smog causing the CBD to "dissipate," and since I know that, I didn't realize it wasn't coming across clearly. I'll have to think about that one.

"with me, as a sendoff": Either way works, so I'll leave it its original format.

"the picture of cool surrounded by chaos": Probably not the best way to start the story! Maybe it's the odd use of commas that makes it sound strange. Commas have always been a weakness of mine.

I'm glad you enjoyed the passage! Thanks again for your thoughts. I seldom get unbiased criticism, which I probably need. smile I'll probably post more of the story in the future.

Best,
Jael  

[Priestess of Neptune]

No problem. I won't mention that it was a small effort. Oh wait... too late. Anyway, I try to be honest and mostly blunt, because not telling you what is wrong doesn't help.

dissipating- perhaps you need a similar word. I'm at a loss to come up with one, and the visual thesaurus is its usual mediocre self. Sorry. I guess you could add another prepositional phrase to that sentence to include the smog juxtaposed with the city, but I predict that that will become awkward quickly.

I'll look for another submission from you, and perhaps next time I could do a few more style edits, if that's okay?