The Truth About Roxie

[Chetri]

This is a short nonfiction work designed to be the prologue or part of the preface to a larger work about the life of an animal shelter case worker. The story is actually real, fortunately, I would hate for people to think I had a mind sick enough to make this stuff up myself. And for those who care later, Roxie is actually doing very well in her new home and I have been informed she has become a pampered little priss. Oh and I welcome critiques and suggestions, but please no flaming.


And now, The Truth About Roxie

I didn't really think I was bad. I tried so hard to just be good. I let my parents set me up the way they wanted. I always came when they called. So why were they so mean to me. It's not my fault I was there. I thought they wanted me. I guess I was wrong.

Sometimes mommy and daddy would eat funny smelling foods and they would be happy. Those were good times. But mostly they just left me locked up. The house was dark and no one really ever came to see me. That's not to say people never came. Some even did pay a little attention to me, but for the most part I was just a noisy shadow.

Then one day mommy and daddy had a fight. I tried to hide till it was over so they wouldn't see me. But it didn't work. Daddy got taken away by some people I had never met before. After he was gone mommy found me and hit me.

I was used to being hit but it had never been this bad before. I didn't know why it was happening. I didn't know what I did. I never knew what I did. Then mommy stabbed me. I cried but mommy didn't care. She just hit me more and yelled at me.

I was alone.

Life went on that way for a while. I was pregnant and the only thing that kept me going was knowing my kids would be safe as long as I was alive. But then one day a light shone at the home. There was a person at the door talking to mommy and she smelled nice.

I didn't know why but I felt the need to run. I knew nothing about this person but I felt safe. So I ran. I ran out of the dark house and into the light. I ran to the ladies truck and tried to jump in. But I couldn't make it with my stomach so big.

The nice lady helped me in. I was glad.

We took a trip. I didn't know where I was going but I knew it was better. I hoped it was better. I thought it would be better. I was wrong.

We stopped at a large bright building. The nice lady helped me out of the truck and took me to a room. There were so many people there. They all looked at me and they were scary. I tried telling them to stop. I tried telling them to stay away, but they just kept coming by and looking. It was all too much.

I heard one of them mention me. They said I was aggressive and needed to be put down for the safety of others. I wasn't mean. I really wasn't. The only person who seemed to know that was the nice lady. She kept coming to see me. She even took me to the doctor to get help. The doctor said it was time for my babies.

I had been holding them in. I didn't want them to come in to life in this strange and loud place. With all the evil eyes and mean words. But there was light. The nice lady was always near. She always came by.

After I had my babies I was moved to a different room. More people came to visit me. They would even give me presents so that I wouldn't stop them from seeing my children. I liked some of them. Some of them reminded me of mommy and daddy. But still the nice lady was there.

I was happy for some time.

Again it was different. Soon they came for my babies. I didn't know why but they took them from me. I don't know if I was sad or angry. But I knew I couldn't do anything about it. So I just stayed in my room. Pretty soon I didn't feel so bad.

After the babies were gone people kept coming to see me. More and more people would take me outside of the room. More and more would bring me presents. Pretty soon I was healthier and happier than I had ever been in my whole life. It was amazing how I could have been so wrong about people. But all I ever had before was mommy and daddy.

Now there were so many. And so many others like me came in and out of the building too. I got to make new friends, though most didn't stay long. I wondered why I was different. Then I met him.

There were very few people in the building who spent more time with me that just moments. One was the nice lady. And the other was George. He took me out often and said nice things to me. He said it was making me better. I didn't know exactly what he meant, but I knew he was nice. It didn't take much to tell that.

Pretty soon I didn't see the nice lady as much anymore. I think she was too busy helping others like me. She had so much love to give. Every time she stopped by I would tell her how much I appreciated everything she did for me. But she would always make the visits shorter and shorter.

Soon the only real steady person who came to see me was George. I liked him and he seemed to like me. It was a good relationship. And you know what. It still is. George loved me so much that when I was released he took me home with him. Now George is my new daddy and you know what; I have never been happier.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Your first paragraph (and many of the others) have multiple sentences beginning with the same word.

So why were they so mean to me.-- Question mark?

I tried to hide till it was over-- until

I didn't know what I did. I never knew what I did.-- The second sentence here sounds awkward, but I don't have any suggestions (sorry).

for a while. I was pregnant and the only-- perhaps you want to say 'became'? There is no mention of being pregnant until this point. You might also want to include a comma after pregnant.

I wasn't mean. I really wasn't.-- The qualifier weakens your argument. It's not necessary to remove it, but keep that in mind.

She even took me to the doctor to get help. The doctor said it was time for my babies. -- There is little transition between going to the doctor and his prognosis- I was caught off-guard a little bit.

I didn't want them to come in to life in this strange -- into. Even so, such wording is awkward.

With all the evil eyes and mean words.-- This is a dependent clause.

Again it was different. Soon they came-- What was different? I have no idea what you are referencing here.

I didn't know why but they took them-- Comma after why. Perhaps you want to let up on a few pronouns, too?

I don't know if I was sad--tense change.

Pretty soon I didn't feel so bad.--colloquialism.

Pretty soon I was healthier -- ditto.

After the babies were gone people kept coming-- comma after gone.

It was amazing how I could-- What are you referencing?

But all I ever had before was mommy and daddy.-- This sounds awkward- I suggest removing the 'but'.

Now there were so many. And so many others like me came in and out of the building too.-- What? Are you talking about people or dogs?

He took me out often and said nice things-- comma after often.

It didn't take much to tell that.-- Too many pronouns!

Pretty soon I didn't see the nice lady-- Colloquialism.

She had so much love to give.-- This is awkward, and in the wrong tense. Removing the qualifier will strengthen your argument.

appreciated everything she did for me.-- had done?

Soon the only real steady person who came-- the qualifier is wrong (should be 'very'), removing it will strengthen your argument.

I liked him and he seemed to-- comma after him.

And you know what.-- Don't talk directly to the reader; this should be a question.

George loved me so much that when -- comma after much.

Now George is my new daddy and you know what; I have never been happier.-- tense change (just make it a new paragraph). Remove the semi-colon, and don't talk directly to the reader.

My opinion: Okay, you said no flaming, which I assume means that you want us to tell you the truth. I'll start with a summary of edits to ease you into how I feel. You have started nearly every sentence with "I", and quite a few with "but". One (not two) sentences beginning with "but" would be okay, but you have at least three. Your apparent dislike of commas made me laugh- most people use too many commas, but you use too few. As a result of this, most of your sentences are simple, with very few compound or complex sentences. I don't think I encountered a single compound-complex sentence. Sentences were loose- I recall encountering any periodic sentences (that's not a bad thing). So here's the truth: I disliked this passage, for multiple reasons. 1: Sentences were short and choppy, with a single idea each, and some with no supporting details- the entire thing sounded like it was written by a second-grader. Such sentences are very hard to read, and cause your work to have no flow. 2: You did not 'show' us emotions, excluding the stabbing. Every single emotion was a 'tell'. 3: You used qualifiers and colloquialisms throughout the entire passage, whenever possible. 4: Almost every sentence started with "I". This also disrupts the flow of your passage, as such sentences may easily be compounded. Many other sentences began with "but"- great places to make complex sentences. In short, this was painfully hard to read. Yes, I am using a qualifier in denoting how I feel. I would not read the book this is from.  

[Chetri]

Thank you very much for the critique. I agree with many of your suggestions and will act upon them. There has always been a war between me and commas.

My one concern with the exert itself is the fact that it is supposed to be written from the dogs perspective. In this it was designed to be first person (not my forte) and simplistic (apparently I excelled at that part). I will see if I can revise it, in a way the client might agree with, to tone down the repetition and smooth out the flow. I appreciate your blunt comments. The truth is always more constructive than sprinkles.

A note on the work this would prelude; the finished product will be third person narrative, which is a more commonly tread ground for me, and will in no way mimic the simple or colloquial nature of this exert. This is why I sought critique, the prologue seemed to clash too directly against the writing itself. I thank you for confirming that fear for me.

I will resubmit this work soon in a new format and would appreciate if you could tear that apart for me as well.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

*Whew* Okay, I was wondering whether or not you'd get upset about my honesty. My Harbrace is in front of me, so I'll give you some quick rules out of 'the book'.

Use commas to:
--separate independent clauses joined by coordinating conjunctions
--set off introductory words
--separate items in a series
--set off nonessential elements
--set off direct quotations
--set off geographical names and items in dates and addresses

-if independent clauses are short, you may omit the comma.
-if a conjunction joins two parts of a compound predicate, don't use a comma.
-commas follow introductory dependent clauses.
-put commas around appositives and absolute phrases.

Ask me about any of it, except the predicate one. I would need to look that up. Note that it doesn't say anything about commas between independent clauses and dependent clauses if the dependent one isn't introductory. My advice is to stick one between the two for good measure.

I think you also managed to define the things a dog would be interested in and notice well.

Oh, if the whole work wasn't written like this I might look it over. I'm not a fan of non-fiction though, so no promises. By 'tear it apart' do you mean I should include more style edits? I need to ask, because sometimes those aren't welcome.

No problem. It is much easier to critique the work of another than it is one's own. If you have a deadline for this, let me know.

EDIT: I will be gone from now (Thursday) until the 25th.