[Karin/Chibi Vampire] The Bonds of Jealousy

[Chetri]

So this is a fanfiction I have been working on for a while now. I was using it as an exercise in relationship development for my novels. Of course, I got sucked into the story and it went from what was supposed to be a little one chapter wonder to what is slowly becoming a small novelette. This is still a work in progress.

This Fic centers around a developing relationship between the Anime characters Anju and Maki as well as Karin and all the side cast. The story takes place after the completion of the Anime and does contain some last disc spoilers. They are only briefly mentioned in passing but you have been warned.

http://www.questionablevegetables.com/TFfanfiction.html

P.S. The link is to my personal site and due to some arguments between my coding and Explorer it is best viewed in Firefox.  

[penandpaper67]

I've only read the first chapter so far, but there's a lot of little things that I found in it, so I thought I'd point them out. It's pretty good. I've only read the manga, so I didn't know some of the stuff that was covered in the anime that isn't in the manga (well, yet, at least), but I could follow it pretty well. I think it was pretty characteristic of Chibi Vamp; you kept a relatively slow plot (at least for the first chapter at least), a lot of weirdness, and a load of explaining. That's one thing I think you could do without, although it depends on how long you're planning to make your fic. The context you gave was necessary, but the whole question and answer thing with Maki was kind of redundant because the reader is already going to know this stuff. Maybe you could make it so that Maki already talked to Karin about it and was thinking it over from the time she found out everything. But other than that, I liked it.

Here's some small things that I found and that you should probably fix grammar-wise.

Quote:

The pathway was stone and the fall smarted just enough to cause Maki to winch on impact.

First of all you need a comma before the "and", and I think you also meant wince, not "winch".

Quote:

Charging towards ones friend is common practice for most and safe in almost all situations, but Maki knew Karin was, how to put it, a bit clumsy.

This sentence is just a bit awkward and long, so you might want to reword it. Plus, ones is possessive, so it would be "one's".

Quote:

Maki figured it must be pretty large by any other countries standards

Again, you need the apostrophe, so it would be "country's".

Quote:

The front door was similar to the old castle homes

This is just weird wording here. I'd reword it to be something like "The front door looked like it was from an old castle home".

Quote:

I mean there is the extra shifts at work and the problems with my family and my grandma has been real active lately and then there’s . .”

First, it's "there are". And I don't particularly like how this sentence is done, but I guess it's similar to how Karin talks, so it works.

Quote:

The room went silent and all heads that weren’t on Maki to begin with now turned to her. Those heads being only the head of Anju’s macabre stuffed doll Boogie who she insisted on carrying everywhere she went.

Now this wording is really really awkward. You really need to change that somehow.

Quote:

She knew deep down it must have been Anju moving the dolls head

Again, you need the apostrphe on "dolls".

Quote:

Well, I guess for starters, is it true you drink blood.

You need a question mark here.

Quote:

Real vampires? You mean there are fakes running around or something.

Again, you need a question mark.

Quote:

A A Anju

This just looks awkward. I know the effect you're going for, but don't just have a bunch of spaces between the letters. Either write it like this: "A-A-Anju" or add a word in front of the name, like "um" or "er".

Quote:

Yes Maki.

You need a comma after the "yes".