My Legend of Zelda fan fic, please leave feedback...

[hauu13]

Yep, I'm currently wrting a Zelda fan fic. And I'd like your opinions on it. Heres the link:
http://www.zeldalegends.net/index.php?n=fanfic&f=d&id=986

The first chapter has some errors, I know this, but I was half asleep when I was writing it so I didn't have much brain power. The story is sort of strange; all the characters are there but the in-game villians aren't exactly villians... I'll let you figure it out on your own.

I don't care if you critique me, it helps me get better!  

[Colonel T-Bone]

Post 3/38

Okay, I just read the first chapter so far, but I have a huge piece of feedback that I can safely assume applies to most of your stories.
You have a tendency to make long, extensive lists of descriptors in order to add more "depth" to your characters and settings. When you were describing "Green" for example, you noted that he was wearing tights, he had a green hat, a green tunic, he stood no more than five feet tall, he didn't look a day over seventeen, etc., etc., etc. To most readers (and writers) this is monotonous and denotes either writers block, an unwillingness to edit, or an immature author. I am not trying to be mean, even though I might sound like an a*****e right now. Certain aspects were interesting, such as the early development of Green's short temper or Zenia's wisdom. Allow me to try and help somewhat with the listing of details problem:

The young boy stood, skin as alabaster marble amongst strings of gold. He sighed, visibly tired of this long journey. As yet another strong gust blew across the desert, he grabbed his verdant green cap and squinted in vain to keep the sand from his emerald eyes.

Again, sorry if I seemed like an a** here, just trying to indulge your desire for critique.  

[angel of goddesses]

i love your fanfic!!  

[hauu13]

Colnol you weren't being an a** at all! Actually, I found your critique quite helpful! It might be a whil until I am able to write descriptions like what you wrote since I'm kinda cr*p at descriptions of people (gore, now that I can do). I tried to write a description sort of like what you said I should start to do in my most rcent chapter, but it's probably not up to snuff. I'd appreciate if you would look an see. Thank you.

I'm glad you like the fic, Angel of Goddesses!