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 Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 7:44 pm
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Um so I started writing this story a while ago and then just recently I decided to rewrite almost everything I had written, sooo here's what I've rewritten. The prelude (I think that's what it's called) is first. Please tell me what you think! I'm open to comments and criticism! Thanks!! 3nodding
The Cloudy City
Pre
A long shadow passed over the floor of the moonlit hallway. From the windows one could see the city below, covered in darkness except for the electronic lights that dimly lit the streets here and there. The shadow moved silently, slowly towards the giant metal doors at the end of the hallway. The sky was relatively empty, with a round moon casting dull pools of light over the “electronic city”. The world felt sleepy, and yet the shadow continued toward the door. If one looked carefully, one might even be able to see a face in the moon. In this country so advanced in technology, it’s amazing any of the old stories have survived. In days long past, they used to say that when a person dies, the relatives of that person can see their dearly departed's face briefly reflected in the moon. Of course, no one now a day actually believes in those sorts of things, but it really is amazing such a story like that would still remain. The shadow opened one of the doors and slipped in. Then, very faintly, there was a muffled scream. The shadow reappeared in the hallway a moment later. He looked up at the moon. Perhaps this shadow saw a face in the moon.
Story
In the year 4037 B.D the Ea.Rth is divided into four large nations, the Peoples Province of Migtra, Bellininne, the United Nation of Terrik, and the country of Shinra-I. Various small countries are scattered here and there but they hold very little political influence, thus having almost no presence as far as the Council of Four (the four larger countries) are concerned. But our story begins here, in Migtra, in the capital city of Midgard.
A girl with dark brown hair and side swept bangs emerged from the iron door to her concrete apartment. She walked down a street filled with concrete and grey light. As she walked along, she couldn’t help but smile to herself. The capital Midgard had two nicknames. The first was the “concrete city”, because every building in Midgard was made of concrete and metal. The second was the “cloudy city”. Aside from the city already being made of grey materials, the sun also never shone in Midgard. And, just like every other day, the sky was blanketed with clouds. No surprise there.
The girl walked down a familiar route. It was her tradition to everyday go to a church called by the locals as “Patsy’s Church”, partly because no one knew the actual name and because the woman that owned the church was named Patsy. The girl would go everyday at the same time to this church and soon Patsy and this pious girl got to know each other. Both were about the same age and both lived alone in the concrete city, so they enjoyed each other’s company.
The pious girl turned down avenue No. 1 and then into a cobble stone building. The building was completely out of place amid the high rise apartments and offices. The church was the only building like it in the entire capital of Migtra. It was made of old stones that had been stacked together by some unknown dead. Inside were large windows full of depictions of holy scenes etched in stained glass. On either side was a row of columns that held up the roof. It was truly a marvel from some history textbook.
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 5:06 pm
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Perfect- I'm great with criticism.
In this country so advanced in technology, it’s amazing-- this sentence is out-of-place in your paragraph- it is an entirely different style of speech.
In days long past, they used to say-- I suggest a new paragraph for this, too. You might also want to clarify 'them', as what you have right now "they used to say" is a bromide.
the relatives of that person can see their dearly departed-- 'can'? is that really the word you want to use there? Watch your diction. Also, 'dearly departed' is a bromide.
Of course, no one now a day actually-- Okay, you've got a colloquialism and and a bromide here, and I don't think your bromide is even grammatically correct. If you do decide to keep the bromide (Don't!), you need a hyphen or two.
it really is amazing-- what is amazing? Clarify your pronouns, please, and watch for colloquialisms, as this is on the border of acceptable and not.
The shadow opened one of the doors-- Ah, I now see what you were doing when you started talking about specious things- yes, background will make 'things' seem more realistic with this method of unrelated insertion, but I think what you've included as unrelated is both too unrelated, and in a different voice (which doesn't help).
In the year 4037 B.D the Ea.Rth is divided-- I'm not sure if this is a super-great way to start your story. Yes, I got a giggle at the Zero Wing allusion, but still. Also, you have changed tenses from your prelude (past to present) which is fine, but I feel odd with this drastic voice and tense change without an entire blank page (or a few blank pages) between the two. Alas, there's little you can do to change that.
United Nation of Terrik,-- Sorry if this is a little presumptuous, but you could change 'Terrik' to 'Terre', which is 'earth' in French. Ah, I also laughed at your Shinra-I one, too.
are scattered here and there-- colloquialism. You also would need a comma after 'there'.
But our story begins here, in Migtra, in the capital city of Midgard. -- You have another bromide at the beginning of this sentence. Also, are you referring to the Viking Midgard or the Shinra Midgard? Oh, wait- Midgard is in Migtra, NOT Shinra? What?
A girl with dark brown hair and side swept bangs-- Okay, I'm going to call you on this one, because I know you are better than this. Please 'show', don't 'tell'. Plus your description is pedestrian, of a person that anyone could be. You need a hyphen between 'side' and 'swept'.
the sun also never shone in Midgard-- You don't need the 'also', and you have changed tenses here.
she couldn’t help but smile to herself.-- colloquialism.
No surprise there. -- ditto. I'm getting this feeling that I will see more of these... If it is an actual person rather than a narrator narrating, you could probably get away with leaving them in.
It was her tradition to everyday go to-- Okay, we have some major grammatical errors here. There are multitudes of ways to fix this depending on how you would like it to sound, so I have no specific suggestions. Also, please try not to start a sentence with a pronoun referring to an ambiguous 'they' or 'it'. It is in bad form, and a colloquialism as well.
The girl would go everyday-- you have the wrong form here. It should be 'every day'. You have the same problem in the sentence above. Comma after 'day'.
at the same time-- Comma after 'time'
to this church and soon Patsy and this pious girl got to know each other.-- Whoah, hefty amounts of colloquialism, plus you're missing a couple commas. This type of sentence (with many dependent clauses and additional bits of information) doesn't match your previous style. You don't need to change it, but I thought I should let you know.
so they enjoyed each other’s company. -- 'Show', don't 'tell'.
and then into a cobble stone building.-- Okay, two problems with this. One, 'cobblestone' is one word, and two, buildings aren't made of cobblestones (which obviates problem One).
The building was completely out of place-- You need hyphens for 'out-of-place', and it is a bromide.
amid the high rise apartments-- hyphenate 'high-rise'.
The church was the only building like it-- Your pronoun has no reference. I assume that you mean that the church was unique?
together by some unknown dead-- I'm not sure why, but I think 'dead' doesn't work here in this structure. If you finagle with 'some', you can fix it. I might be wrong, but it sounds awkward whether or not it is correct.
It was truly a marvel from some history textbook.-- you have used 'some' twice in close proximity- consider changing one of the two. Also, it sounds demeaning to say 'some history textbook'. Again, try to 'show', don't 'tell'.
My opinion: If you still have a copy, I would like to see what you had written before this version. I noticed that you included many colloquialisms- in formal writing, try (and by 'try not to' I mean 'don't') not to use them. Also, if your narrator is going to use them, please make your narrator an actual person.
This was a very short sample, in which you did not have enough time to make anything round. I understand this, but feel that you could improve your 'show' segments enough to make this slightly round. Plot-wise, I cannot say anything, because, well, there is no plot. All you have so far is an introduction, perhaps a paragraph away from your first plot element. Imagery in this segment was attempted, and what was there was fine (barring the colloquialisms), but I have no real mental image of the place you are talking about, and after reading it, I wonder if you yourself have a clear mental image of your setting. If not, you will need to create one before you can describe it to the reader.
Things I did like included your use of names- little things like that will make reading much more fulfilling than just a story in and of itself. It wouldn't hurt to repeat what you have already mentioned about your towns though, because unless you continue to talk about them, your reader will have forgotten them in a chapter or two. Conversely, you could scatter the information around to key points where the reader will remember it, because it was a key plot or emotional element.
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 6:17 pm
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Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 5:57 pm
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Midgard is where AVALANCHE HQ is (was) in FFVII (Shinra HQ was there, too). Yeah, I've never heard of Migtra before, which is why I wondered why Midgard would be there, instead of Shinra. Don't worry about whether people will pick up your references or not, the older crowd get them and laugh. Note that if you DO use "Midgard", it is likely that only the older crowd will laugh anyway, because I don't think most people associate anything more than Valhalla or Loki/Thor/Odin with Norse mythology, and those same people will be old enough to have enjoyed FFVII.
Zero Wing was an arcade game from the 80's (It plays kinda like Raiden-well, they all play pretty similarly, I guess, but... you get a 'Zig' (starship), and you shoot stuff). The beginning to it is "In the year AD 2101, war was beginning..." Your beginning was similar, so I thought you had made a parody of it. Guess not.
Yes, if it isn't too much trouble, I would like to see what you had before.
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:56 pm
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Ha ha I see what you mean about the Zero Wing thing, but I'm not that old... 3nodding Anyway, here's my original copy. There are a lot of mistakes and the events are different. I didn't write very much because soon after I started writing the story, I changed ideas about characters and the events that would occur and so I never really got back to writing it. Also, I don't know how much you know about FFVII, but there is a scene somewhere where I think the character Zacks falls through the roof of a church. Okay, quite honestly when I wrote this I had no idea that happened in FFVII. I found out a few days later when I was watching this clip on youtube. *sigh* That was another reason for me to try changing the events. Okay so here's the original:
Pre
Rain fell gently on the grey concrete outside the front room window. I stood behind the counter of our tiny shop. The rain had been relentless and I had to think to myself for a minute how persistent it was. The little lamps inside seemed to bring such warmth and contrast to the grey outside. Yes, our home was so full of warmth. I think then I must have smiled because he told me so. But, I think it was different, not so much a smile but something else. I don’t really remember though.
Begining
A girl walked moderately paced down a narrow road in Midgard. The thriving city was full of hues of grey and black concrete. She turned on to a larger street with stalls, selling all kinds of items, lining the dark concrete behind them. The girl continued for a while until she found a stall selling flowers. The man working the stall instantly recognized his customer. “Rionelle! Going to the church again, are we?” The girl, responding to the call of her name, gave a familiar smile. “Yes, I am.” She said. Rionelle picked up two yellow flowers and handed a coin to the man. “Thanks again, Rionelle”, the man said with a nod as Rionelle walked away. She turned a few more corners and entered a small church hidden in between more large concrete buildings. The church was quite beautiful even for its size. It was built many years ago out of grey marble with long narrow painted glass windows lining its rectangular frame. Along both sides of the church were marble pillars in between the windows. At the back of the church was one huge stained glass window that was rectangular in shape except for at the top were it was rounded. Dull, grey light came from the windows, even though their bright colors shimmered against the marble. Rionelle walked between the pews to the back of the church where an equally marble alter was set in the center. Rionelle climbed the two steps to the alter and placed her flowers on it. She knelt and bowed her head. God, hear my prayer… Rionelle looked up for moment to gaze at the window in front of her, but found that the roof was falling on her. She gaped for a few seconds before realizing that she needed to move. Rionelle sort of rolled/jumped out of the way as fast as she could. The next thing she knew, she was lying on the ground, rubble all around her. However immediately two men emerged from the settling dust and broken marble. One, the younger of the two, looked around the same age as herself. He gripped a thick sword while the other, a bit older than the first, was wielding two short dagger-like weapons. The two men flew into combat, weapons flung in every direction at the speed of light. Rionelle could only stare at the scene in front of her. The two men’s swords clanged together in a deadlock for a brief moment, before they both jumped away and then ran back to fight. The younger pulled his sword over his head and swung down heavily on the older. But the older man dodged the blow. He now stood directly across from Rionelle. The younger man stood with his back to her. The older then began to swing his sword above his head and, the younger realizing the older’s intent, ducked as the sword hurtled above his head. Rionelle instinctively put her arms over her head and bent into her knees. She heard a strange sound though, and as she looked up she found the cause. The sword had crashed into a pillar a little to her left. The pillar began to crack. Only then as a shower of marble rained down on her, did she let out a scream. For first time the young man noticed her presence and the last thing Rionelle saw were the wide eyes of a distressed person. Rionelle was hit in the head with a piece of marble about the size of a baseball. She blacked out.
Sometime later Rionelle woke up. She first noticed the fact that she was lying on a pew, not the ground as before. Next she noticed the younger man propped up against the marble wall of the church. He was slumped over in a sitting position. Blood was dripping down his right arm and from a wound in his chest. Rionelle leapt over to him. A wave of fear rushed on her. This man is going to die! I have to do something! “What do I do? …hey, can you hear me?” She began to gently prod the man, until he groaned an awful sound. I can’t just leave him here…but if I call for an emergency team they may not get here in time…then an idea hit her. I’ll carry him! Just until other people are around to help. Rionelle pulled the man up onto her back and began to carry him out of the church.
The young man was heavier than Rionelle had expected. She slowly made her way back onto the main street. Breathing hard, she finally came to the street with stalls. The flower stall owner was the first to help her. He rushed over. “Wha-what do I do? He’s injured bad.” “What happened?! How long has he been like this?” the owner asked. Rionelle replied, “I don’t know…what should I do!” She began to panic. This stranger had fallen through the roof of a church, then fought with someone and now! Others soon began to gather around Rionelle. They shouted all sorts of ideas. A hospital in this day and age was very expensive and no injuries were nearly this bad. On top of that, Rionelle didn’t even know the man’s name. Then a voice rang clear against the many shouting. “My brother is a doctor! He can help! Hurry, our house is just up this street!” The voice belonged to a little girl. Rionelle had to struggle to keep up with her. Along the way Rionelle learned the girl’s name was Mary. Mary came to a stop at a two story house of concrete, the last on the block. Mary ran through the door calling “Brother! Brother!” Rionelle entered just as a man slightly older than she appeared in sight. “Hurry, Brother! This lady needs help! Her friend is hurt! Hurry!” Mary yanked at her brother’s sleeve. “Okay, okay. Let’s see what we’ve got.” The man came over to Rionelle and inspected her “friend”. “These wounds are serious!” exclaimed Mary’s brother. “Come right this way, please.” Mary’s brother led Rionelle up a flight of stairs and into a room with a bed in it. Inside there was a long table with medical utensils and one square window directly opposite the doorway. Rionelle set her “friend” down on the bed, as Mary was instructed to bring a tub of hot water to the room. “How did he get these wounds?” Asked the brother. With a sigh, Rionelle replied, “I don’ know.” Mary reentered with the bucket. “Thank you, Mary.” Her brother said. Turning to Rionelle, he said, “You can stay here, for tonight. At least until he’s more rested.” Rionelle nodded with thanks. The door then shut and a doctor began his work.
Hours flew by. While Mary’s brother had been busy patching up Rionelle’s friend, Rionelle had helped Mary cook dinner. The two girls had had silly conversations about idle things, but they had enjoyed them nonetheless. It was around one in the morning when Rionelle knocked on the doctor’s door. She heard a faint “Come in” from behind the door and entered. The doctor was wiping off his hands with a bloody cloth. He sighed. “Well, now we can finally rest!” he said with a small smile. “Your friend’s wounds weren’t as bad as I initially thought! He’ll be fine. In the morning he should be able to move on his own, but make sure he gets plenty of rest.” “Phew!” smiled Rionelle. “Mary and I made dinner. She left you a plate downstairs…she’s a nice girl.” “…yeah. You know, though, she’s not really my sister. I…found her. She was at Patsy’s church. For some reason, I couldn’t leave her…” Rionelle smiled gently. This man is so kind… “Oh, what a coincidence! I found this guy at a church too! It was…a bit of a strange meeting!” The doctor couldn’t help but grin. “Well,” he said, “Thanks for looking after Mary tonight! I’m sorry we don’t have anything more comfortable than a chair for you to sleep on.” Rionelle was astonished at this man’s over flowing kindness. “You’ve done so much for me… and this guy! Don’t sweat the small stuff!” The doctor said goodnight and closed the door as he left for the kitchen. Rionelle turned to gaze at her dormant companion. “Hunh…” She pulled a chair next to the bed and turned off the lights. Thin light trickled in from the window. “Goodnight.”
*****
The perpetually grey light of the world poured in through the one window of the doctor’s room. The young man that had lay asleep in a small bed, finally opened his eyes. He sat up slowly, wincing in pain a little. The first thing he noticed was a girl sleeping slouched over in a chair next to his bed. She had dark brown hair that fell slightly more than shoulder length and bangs that cut across her forehead. It’s that girl from yesterday. “Huu…” he breathed out quietly. He lifted himself out of bed gently. He placed his blanket around the shoulders of his savior and headed downstairs.
*****
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Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 7:11 pm
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Alright here's the improved (hopefully) version plus more of the story.
The Cloudy City
Pre
A long shadow passed over the floor of the moonlit hallway. From the windows one could see the city below, covered in darkness except for the electronic lights that dimly lit the streets here and there. The shadow moved silently, slowly towards the giant metal doors at the end of the hallway. The sky was relatively empty, with a round moon casting dull pools of light over the “electronic city”. The world felt sleepy, and yet the shadow continued toward the door. If one looked carefully, one might even be able to see a face in the moon.
There is a legend the old people of Terrik used to tell, that when a person dies, one might be able to see the dead person’s face briefly reflected in the moon. But no one now actually believes in things like legends and stories. The shadow opened one of the doors and slipped in. Then, very faintly, there was a muffled scream. The shadow reappeared in the hallway a moment later, his hands still trembling with the thought of the life he just took. He looked up at the moon, and just maybe he saw a face in the glowing orb.
Story
Rionelle, a girl with dark brown hair and side-swept bangs emerged from the iron door to her apartment. She walked down a street filled with grey concrete and dull light. She was but one of the many people living in Midgard, the capital city of the country, Migtra. The Peoples Province of Migtra, as it was officially called, was one of the four major nations in the year 4037 B.D on Ea.Rth. The others were Bellininne, the United Nation of Terrik and the country of Shinra-I. Together they made up the Council of Four and held the entire world’s political power. There were a few other small nations scattered about, but they held almost no political influence and were most often forgotten about.
As Rionelle walked along, she couldn’t help but smile to herself. The capital Midgard had two nicknames. The first was the “concrete city”, because every building in Midgard was made of concrete and metal. The city was like a machine; there were no trees and every inch of the city was some shade of gray. The second was the “cloudy city”, because there was never any sunlight in Midgard.
Rionelle turned the corner and headed down avenue No. 4. It was custom for her to visit Patsy’s church everyday. It took Rionelle anywhere from 15 to 25 minutes to reach her destination, but she always managed to arrive at the same time. She turned again, this time on to avenue No. 1 and then into an ancient, stone building that was the church.
The last of its kind, Patsy’s church was made of old marble slabs that had been stacked together by some unknown hands long ago. Inside were large windows full of depictions of holy scenes etched in stained glass. On either side was a row of columns that held up the roof.
Rionelle walked through the rows of pews that lined the inside of the church. The quiet that enveloped this sanctuary always made her feel peaceful. She sat down in a row near the front and clasped her hands together. She was thinking about what to pray for, when she noticed a man hunched over in a pew a few rows ahead of her. Something about the man was not right. Rionelle watched for any movements he might make, but the man only sat there. After about five minutes, Rionelle decided to go over to the man. She carefully got up and made her way to him.
From behind, the man seemed to be somewhere in his thirties, but as soon as Rionelle approached him, she found that he was younger. His eyes were shut, but his face looked kindly, with an edginess that people only acquire through hardships. He had sand colored hair which was not very long, reaching only to the middle of his forehead in front. Rionelle leaned closer to him so that she could still keep a quiet tone while speaking with him. “Excuse me,” she said, “Are you alright?” The man did not answer. “Um, you really shouldn’t sleep in church. It’s not polite.” Still the man did not answer. “Hey, can you hear me?” Rionelle touched his shoulder, but the man made no reaction. “Hey.” Rionelle shook the man slightly. “Hey!” The man swayed limply with her force. Rionelle leaned closer to the man to check his breathing. He was breathing, but very slowly.
Rionelle straightened up and looked around the church. She was alone with this stranger. Rionelle looked back down at the man and thought about she should do. As she was looking down at the man, she noticed something she had not seen a moment before. Near the center of his chest was a small, blackish circle. Rionelle narrowed her eyes and touched the spot. It was wet and when she pulled her hand away, there was a red substance on it. With an alarm, Rionelle realized the man was wounded. She tore off the jacket he had been wearing to see how badly he was hurt. Rionelle couldn’t tell how deep the wound was, but it was bleeding badly. She turned the man onto his back so that he was lying down. Rionelle reached for the man’s jacket to try and slow the blood flow. As she grabbed his jacket, she heard a something fall to the ground.
Turning her head, saw a small metal case lying on the floor. She picked it and opened it. Inside the thin case was an I.D card. Normal citizens in any of the big countries were not usually required to carry I.D cards with them, but military personnel were. Rionelle examined the card.
Name: Caelum, Diaulus
Age: 21
Blood type: A positive
I.D number: 011475
Rank: Sergeant
Rionelle read through to the bottom of the card where an official statement had been stamped in red ink: “This identification card has been authorized by the United Nation of Terrik.” Rionelle froze for a moment, but quickly pulled herself back to the situation. Rionelle crumpled the man’s jacket into a ball and pressed it to his wound. She then took his right hand and set it on top of the jacket, so that the jacket wouldn’t fall off. “I’ll be right back” she whispered even though the man could not hear her.
Rionelle ran back through the streets she had come down to get to the church. She flew through the doors of her apartment building and ran up the stairs to her home. Once inside, she grabbed gauze, antibacterial sprays, bandages and whatever else she thought might come in helpful, and shoved them all into a black shoulder bag. Then, with even more speed than before, she ran back to the church.
When Rionelle burst through the doors of the church, there were still no other people. Good thing too, she thought. Rionelle immediately began patching up the stranger. She tried to clean the wound as best she could and then propped him upright again. The bleeding was somewhat less than before and Rionelle was able to wrap gauze around him with relative ease. To finish her treatment, she wrapped a layer of bandages around him. “Whew…” Rionelle breathed out a sigh of relief and sat down on the pew next to her patient.
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2009 6:40 am
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Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2009 8:10 am
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Priestess of Neptune Ottilie Mignonne Ha ha I see what you mean about the Zero Wing thing, but I'm not that old... 3nodding Anyway, here's my original copy. There are a lot of mistakes and the events are different. I didn't write very much because soon after I started writing the story, I changed ideas about characters and the events that would occur and so I never really got back to writing it. Also, I don't know how much you know about FFVII, but there is a scene somewhere where I think the character Zacks falls through the roof of a church. Okay, quite honestly when I wrote this I had no idea that happened in FFVII. I found out a few days later when I was watching this clip on youtube. *sigh* That was another reason for me to try changing the events. Okay so here's the original: I've played through the entire game. I think the church collapsed when Aeris runs away, and Cloud is chasing her. I think that was around the time when Sector 7 was destroyed. I don't remember a "Zacks" character. Perhaps it's the translation from the Japanese version? I kinda like your old version, but I have not yet read your updated new one- I'll get to that tonight.
Oh, sorry, I think the scene was in one of the remakes... I think it was Crisis Core. I haven't actually played the original so I'm not sure how big of a role he really played. Yeah and about the translation thing... in Japanese his name is Zacks but in english it's just Zack. He's got black hair and was a friend of Cloud's before he died.
Thanks for reading!!! 3nodding |
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 2:54 am
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Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 2:33 pm
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Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 3:19 pm
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I have a little more of my story, if you care to read it.
Rionelle looked back down at the man’s I.D card again. “Terrik huh,” she thought out loud. “What on earth are you doing in Midgard…” she said as she looked back at her patient. Just then, the man began to regain consciousness. Rionelle jumped to her feet and bent over him. “Hey, can you hear me? Hey, hey, take it easy!” She spoke gently, as if she was addressing a child rather than a soldier. The man winced in pain as he straightened up. After a moment of peering around the church, the man looked up at Rionelle. “Who are you?” Rionelle smiled, quite relieved. “Rionelle. I’m the one that patched you back up! You better be grateful!”
Rionelle put the hand that was still holding the card case, behind her back. “So, who are you?” She asked casually. “And how did you get hurt?” She sat down next to the stranger again. “My name is Griff. I… I was minding my own business when a thief caught me off guard and tried to take my money. I resisted and he shot me.” Rionelle looked back at “Griff” with knowing eyes. “Uh-huh, and then you must of come here looking for help… so, uh, this thief, was it the one that’s been in the news lately?” “Yeah, that’s right! It was that guy!” Rionelle grinned. “Yeah, I don’t think so.” She pulled the card case out from behind her back. “So, would you like to start over?”
The man’s expression changed and he started again. “It looks like you already know who I am. There’s no need for me to be repetitive.” Rionelle took a minute to think. “I guess, but I want to hear you introduce yourself.” The man stared back and then shrugged his shoulders. “Suit yourself. My real name is Diaulus Caelum.” “Nice to meet you, Diaulus,” Rionelle replied. “And, what are you doing here?” “I’m with my legion.” “No you’re not,” Rionelle said with such bluntness, that even she was surprised at her tone. “You’re alone and wounded in my friend’s church. Please, I’m not stupid.” Diaulus sighed. “So why are you here?” She prompted. “That’s… a secret.” Rionelle looked intently back at Diaulus. “You’re not here to harm Migtra, are you?” “No.” “… And you’re not here to kill the prime minister, are you?” “Not at all.” Rionelle gave a look of approval. “Okay. I trust you.” Diaulus began to say something, but a rumbling sensation shook the ground beneath their feet.
Rionelle ran to the big wooden doors at the front of the church. She opened one door ever so slightly and peaked outside. “Tanks.” Rionelle breathed out the word. Three tanks were driving down the street in a single file line. In each of them, a soldier was standing half out of the cockpit. In the first and last tanks, the men were holding wanted posters. In the second tank, a soldier with a megaphone was shouting to the citizens of Midgard. “Good people! There is a wanted fugitive running amok in Midgard. He’s about 5’8 with blonde hair and grey eyes. If you see this man please report him to National Defense Force! Thank you! Good peopl-.” Rionelle closed the door and returned to where Diaulus was sitting. “You’re a wanted man!” Rionelle said with a smirk, standing in front of the fugitive. Diaulus lowered his gaze and said nothing. Rionelle sighed to herself. “Dooon’t worry. I’m not gonna turn you in.” Diaulus’ surprise was clearly depicted on his face. The question on the tip of his tongue was “why”, but he couldn’t get the word out of his mouth. He didn’t have to ask though. Rionelle sniffed and said, “Unlike most of the people in this city, I care about other’s well-being, even if they are from another country and are very suspicious.” Diaulus raised one eyebrow. “Thanks.” “Hmmm, you’re going to need a place to stay… at least until you’re healed.” Rionelle thought to herself. “I’ll be fine. There’s no need to-” “I got it!” She exclaimed. “You can stay with me!” “… Isn’t that going to look suspicious in and of itself?” “Nah, it’ll be fine! Just, keep the hood of your jacket up until we’re there, okay?” Diaulus looked up at Rionelle. To him, she was very strange indeed. However, there was something about her that made him think she meant every word she said. “…Aren’t you afraid of me?” Rionelle turned her head and gazed at the giant stained glass window on the wall opposite the doors at the back of the church. “I trust you.” She turned to face Diaulus. “Come on. I’ll help you up.” Rionelle bent down and pulled Diaulus’ left arm over her shoulder. The two hobbled toward the front doors until Diaulus was okay on his own. Then they set off for Rionelle’s apartment building.
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Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 4:58 pm
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Ottilie Mignonne Yeah! That's the guy! Crisis Core is a prequel to ffvii. It centers around Zack and the events that lead up ffvii. I don't remember when the game came out, but it was made for the psp. There's also the game Dirge of Cerberus, which takes place after Advent Children...I think. Anyway, it centers around Vincent Valentine and his past and such. This game also came out a while ago and was made for the ps2. I'm not sure if you wanted to know this, but I thought I'd tell you anyway. 4laugh
Oh, okay. I haven't played any of the newer FF games, except XII (Don't get me started on that one). I have the Dirge of Cerberus Soundtrack =). No, I like to hear about things like that. Too bad there isn't a PSP emulator, or else I would try some of those out.
“Terrik huh,” she thought-- comma after 'Terrik'
“Who are you?” Rionelle smiled,-- the quotation needs its own paragraph, because it is someone else speaking.
I resisted and he shot me.”-- You can put a comma after 'resisted' if you would like- all that it will do is change the rhythm of his speech.
you must of come here looking for help-- change 'of' to 'have'.
“My name is Griff. I-- new paragraph.
Rionelle looked back at “Griff”...-- new paragraph.
“Yeah, that’s right! It was...-- new paragraph.
Rionelle grinned. “Yeah, I don’t think so.”...--new paragraph.
Rionelle took a minute to think. “I...-- new paragraph.
The man stared back and then shrugged his shoulders. “Suit yourself...-- optional comma after 'back'. New paragraph.
“Nice to meet you, Diaulus,” Rionelle replied. ...-- new paragraph.
“I’m with my legion.” -- new paragraph.
“No you’re not,” Rionelle said -- new paragraph. Optional comma after 'No'
Rionelle said with such bluntness, that even-- The comma after 'bluntness' is optional.
“You’re alone and wounded-- Wrong tense.
“That’s… a secret.” --new paragraph.
Rionelle looked intently back at Diaulus. “You’re...--new paragraph.
“No.” --new paragraph.
“… And you’re not here...--new paragraph.
“Not at all.”--new paragraph.
Rionelle gave a look of approval. “Okay. I trust you.”--new paragraph. Also, I was caught 'off-guard' by this... to me, he sounded sarcastic. Perhaps you could include some of Diaulus's facial movements (or something) to help us understand that he is sincere?
Rionelle ran to the big wooden doors-- 'big'? Really? I would like to see better diction here, please.
“Good people! There is a wanted...--new paragraph.
He’s about 5’8 with blonde hair-- 'blonde' is spelled without the 'e' for males. This is style, but I think a soldier would not use contractions.
“You’re a wanted man!” Rionelle...--new paragraph.
“Dooon’t worry. I’m not-- This is also style, but I would suggest whacking a hyphen into the middle of the o's in 'don't', if you are looking for a protracted sound. The difference in number of o's on each side of the hyphen will determine where you want the stressed syllable to fall.
Diaulus’ surprise was clearly depicted on his face.-- This is a singular possessive, so you need another 's' after the apostrophe. Also, 'show', don't 'tell' us what is on his face. I would also start a new paragraph here.
He didn’t have to ask though.-- I'm not sure if this sentence is necessary.
I care about other’s well-being,-- I'm not sure how to deal with 'other's' in this sentence. I think you want a plural possessive (I never use words in this manner).
are from another country and are very suspicious.”-- The way this is written, Diaulus is suspicious, not Rionelle.
Diaulus raised one eyebrow. “Thanks.”-- new paragraph.
“Hmmm, you’re going to need a-- new paragraph.
at least until you’re healed.” -- incorrect tense.
Rionelle thought to herself. “I’ll be fine.-- change the period to a comma. Also, you can obviate the 'thought to herself' by making her thoughts a new paragraph in italics.
“… Isn’t that going to -- new paragraph.
“Nah, it’ll be fine! Just,-- new paragraph.
Diaulus looked up at Rionelle. To him,--new paragraph.
she was very strange indeed.-- 'very' makes 'indeed' superfluous, and vice-versa.
“…Aren’t you afraid of--new paragraph.
“I trust you.”--new paragraph.
She turned to face Diaulus. “Come on. --new paragraph.
My opinion: What? They speak the same language, and watch the same news? Also, you need a new paragraph for each quotation from a new speaker. I have not included the entire portion that needs to be a new paragraph, since I have no doubts that you can figure it out. Also, we see much of Rionelle, but Diaulus only has a few lines each time, without any modification of how he has said a line, what he was doing while he said it, or how he looked. Add some of that for a more 'round' feel to him, because right now he is kinda flat. |
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 6:26 pm
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Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 8:24 pm
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I might have heard something, although I was so devastated by XII that I no longer want to play any of the new games. I don't think they could re-make VII again, because it actually has a plot. VI wasn't bad, but I think that VII was the pinnacle of the series, so from here it is all downhill. It is good to hear that we will have a girl as the main character though; that doesn't happen very often in video games.
Lol, I hope they make a 'Red' version of FFXIII, as long as the game doesn't stink. It would be no good if they did something cool like that for a crappy game.
Imitate Cloud? That would be senseless, because it is impossible. Cloud was round enough to be a real person, and you can't imitate that. They need to use those brains that they neglected at whatever programming/prep/cram school they went to, and work on plot, characterization, and the creation of ORIGINAL things, rather than graphics, game play, recycled plots and characters, etc. They ESPECIALLY need to work on a game that is not just another instant-gratification, in which the consumer has to be entertained for every second. Games with a meaning are much better than cheap entertainment.
EDIT: About the same language- It could be a part of the soldier's training to learn the other three languages, and the ID could have the info in several languages.
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 6:12 am
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Priestess of Neptune I might have heard something, although I was so devastated by XII that I no longer want to play any of the new games. I don't think they could re-make VII again, because it actually has a plot. VI wasn't bad, but I think that VII was the pinnacle of the series, so from here it is all downhill. It is good to hear that we will have a girl as the main character though; that doesn't happen very often in video games. Lol, I hope they make a 'Red' version of FFXIII, as long as the game doesn't stink. It would be no good if they did something cool like that for a crappy game. Imitate Cloud? That would be senseless, because it is impossible. Cloud was round enough to be a real person, and you can't imitate that. They need to use those brains that they neglected at whatever programming/prep/cram school they went to, and work on plot, characterization, and the creation of ORIGINAL things, rather than graphics, game play, recycled plots and characters, etc. They ESPECIALLY need to work on a game that is not just another instant-gratification, in which the consumer has to be entertained for every second. Games with a meaning are much better than cheap entertainment. EDIT: About the same language- It could be a part of the soldier's training to learn the other three languages, and the ID could have the info in several languages.
I've gotta say, as I was reading this I couldn't help but start smiling. I agree with everything you're saying. I've played final fantasy X and X-2 and compared to VII, they're just sort of like cute little bedtime stories. Something you read through once, and forget about when you're finished. I have to say though, I did like playing X because it's one of those froo froo stories that are nice to play every once and a while. But the plot has been used millions of times and X-2 was pretty much a game made for creepy old guys that play the ps2 24/7.
I don't know anything about the ff games before VII, but I know that VII is the most thought-out and original storyline of all the ff games I've come across. I'm hopeful for the version 'versus' of ffXIII because I've seen some trailers and it looks pretty good, but I really don't like how all three of the ffXIII games are for different platforms... ha ha I didn't mean to write so much... sweatdrop
Thanks for the suggestion! I'm still going to play around with some other ideas, but I'll keep it in mind! |
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