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This story is based on a dream I had a while ago.

Ending: Good or bad?

Title: I haven't decided yet... I'll post it when I think of it.

Like always, constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.


The ghastly figure floated close enough to the floor to make the false appearance that he was stalking towards her on feet. Everything from his lengthy hair that flew about wildly to his whispering cloak acted as a dark shadow. Only his piercing, ruby eyes escaped the engulfing darkness that surrounded him, staring intently into the gloom. She could effortlessly imagine him grinning at her as he dangled the deathly contraption in front of her. Her guess that the device hadn’t been used since medieval times couldn’t have been far from being true; he was going to slaughter her with an armor helmet containing penetrating substances that would be placed around her head and tightened until she died.

She had seen it being used to murder multiple times before; it wasn’t pleasant.

Eliza shrieked, thrusting her arms about to prevent him from positioning the horrifying helmet around her head. She succeeded, dashing for the chamber’s exit. The woman opened the door, revealing an alarming lack of landscape; a once thriving territory that was, in the past, familiar to her was now reduced to blood-stained dirt and gravel carpeted with piles of bones.

She was overcome with fear and shock that provided her with adrenaline to keep her running throughout the dreadful plain, searching for a way out. Eliza failed to find an exit. She soon realized that the more she searched, the more utterly lost she became. His disturbing laugh could be heard in the distance; he knew what she felt and he found it amusing.

Eliza fell to the ground, clutching her face with her hands to release her tears into as she thought about past events that had happened so quickly. He had come to her knowing she was wishing the worst upon everyone around her; when she felt hatred for people who “didn’t want her.” She had allowed him into her house for he seemed kind enough in a less-frightening form. Unwanted Eliza-in the foolish state she was in- spilled out her feelings to him, explaining her wish of wanting to be alone and he granted it. He had revealed to her his nightmarish appearance and traveled around her homeland at an inhumanly rapid speed, herding people from their houses to his kingdom, swiftly burning everything as he went. She soon sat on a throne he had prepared for her, and watched him violently murder everyone she knew.

It seemed as though she had passed on her want of being alone to him, for now he was out to kill her; to leave himself companionless. Eliza didn’t know that he- Death- never stopped searching for more people to devour, that he would never be forsaken with all of the sinners in the world.
Death, in the most tangible form it could be, loomed above Eliza and, having heard her thoughts, inquired, “Kill you?”-Death erupted in laughter-“You are already dead; you are your own murderer and you took others with you.”

Eliza snapped her head up, terrified of Death being so close to her. She gasped, her eyes growing wide although she wanted very much to sew them shut. Her family and her friends, along with their dear ones surrounded her in the form of ghosts. Their heads were deformed for they were the ones Death had used his contraption on. Even though their lips were twisted in sickly ways and their eyes were half closed- if they even had eyes at all- she recognized each face. As she scanned the crowd, her view coming into contact with her loved ones, she found their punctured skin and brains the most disturbing of their appearance.

She screeched, “Why did you do this?!”

“You’re asking the wrong person,” Death replied plainly.

Eliza opened her mind the way her friends had admired, peering back into the past. A tear stroked her cheek as she remembered her life being complicated. She recalled needing to escape and, with a little push from death and a knife to her wrists, she was gone. Staring at the ghosts, she saw that they were in deep mental pain that she knew she had caused. She had longed for something easier than life, and made it harder for the living people by doing so; she deserved to be in hell.

“Please make them leave,” Eliza requested, her voice regaining strength. “I don’t want to watch them suffer.” When she didn’t receive a reply, she turned to find Death missing. It had left her with the ghosts, left her to drown in her misery.

I shouldn’t have chosen this; there’s no way out.

The ghosts silently made their way towards her, closing her tightly between them to get as close as they could to the girl they cherished. Eliza understood, opening her arms to welcome them as they sobbed over her death. She prepared herself for a well-deserved eternity of embracing the ones she loved; the ones she had murdered directly after she had taken her life.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

ruby eyes escaped from the engulfing darkness that surrounded him,-- removing 'from' will strengthen this.

a once thriving territory that was, in the past, familiar to her-- This is kind of awkward. We can make this flow much more smoothly by eliminating 'in the past', and replacing it with 'previously' or some other such word. All commas would be removed in this case.

that provided her with adrenaline to keep her running--I like the image you are creating, but your are using three different verb tenses in close proximity to do so- I'm not sure if that is really a great idea. I'm afraid I have no suggestions on how to re-tool this. Sorry.

clutching her face in her hands-- consider changing 'in' to 'with'. While 'in' is a much more powerful image, 'with' is much more logical.

she was wishing the worse-- worst?

everyone she knew plus some-- this is a colloquialism. I'm not sure what else you would use here, because any expression of an equal meaning in the american language is a hackneyed one. I really do suggest finding a way to change it though, because it clashes with the style of the rest of the passage.

Eliza didn’t know that he-death-never stopped-- Why are you using hyphens here? I'm not sure what you are getting at.

Death, in the most touchable form-- I would change your diction of 'touchable' to something more fitting of the passage, like 'palpable' or something.

inquired, “kill you?--capitalize 'kill'

in laughter-“you are already dead;--capitalize 'you'

and their eyes were half close- if they-- closed?

As she scanned the crowd, her view coming into contact-- the verb tense switch here iis obvious, and distracts from reading.

made their way towards her, enclosing her tightly-- 'enclosing' should be 'closing'.

My opinion: Wait, what did you want 'thoughts' on? I did not notice anything massively wrong, but I'll go back and look at your questions then answer them each individually.

Flow b/w dream and made-up bits: I did not notice where one began and the other left off. The entire piece has a very dream-like feel to it, and is very contiguous in style and thought-process.

Weird wording at the end: No, your wording is not weird. If you want a more dramatic, impacting ending, then yes, you could make some changes, but I have no qualms leaving it the way it is. Let me know if you want a high-impact ending though, and we'll go over it.

Death's gender: I think you are fine with 'he', as much as I dislike it. It's just another reminder of how males are served as the dominant gender in everything. Unfortunately, if you change it to 'she', it will sound weird, because we live in a male-dominated society. We'll leave rants to a minimum, and stop there. No, I suggest against 'it' death.

Title: Nope, titles are too personal for another to give serious help with. I think first of the title 'The Cost of Love', perhaps something will come to you from that, by association.

Criticism: I think I've already done most of that. Again, if you want to tinker with the ending, I'll need a specific goal, otherwise I can't help much.  

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Thanks for the criticism!

Priestess of Neptune

Eliza didn’t know that he-Death-never stopped-- Why are you using hyphens here? I'm not sure what you are getting at.

I was using hyphens to introduce that 'he' is 'death.' Do you think it would be more appropriate to use commas? Or to say "Eliza didn't know that Death never stopped..." instead?

Priestess of Neptune

As she scanned the crowd, her view coming into contact-- the verb tense switch here iis obvious, and distracts from reading.

I feel like the way I have it is fine. "As she scanned the crowd, her view coming into contact with her loved ones, she found their punctured skin and brains the most disturbing of their appearance."

I could be wrong...

Priestess of Neptune

Flow b/w dream and made-up bits: I did not notice where one began and the other left off. The entire piece has a very dream-like feel to it, and is very contiguous in style and thought-process.

I'm glad! Thanks for telling me! (I was a little worried it would've been confusing)

Priestess of Neptune

Weird wording at the end: No, your wording is not weird. If you want a more dramatic, impacting ending, then yes, you could make some changes, but I have no qualms leaving it the way it is. Let me know if you want a high-impact ending though, and we'll go over it.

I think I asked the wrong question. Yes, I do want a more dramatic/impacing ending... I feel like it's "blah"... like it just ended and there needs to be more. (or a different ending sentence...)

I hope that makes more sense.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

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Thanks for the criticism!

Priestess of Neptune

Eliza didn’t know that he-Death-never stopped-- Why are you using hyphens here? I'm not sure what you are getting at.

I was using hyphens to introduce that 'he' is 'death.' Do you think it would be more appropriate to use commas? Or to say "Eliza didn't know that Death never stopped..." instead?

Oh, I see. You needed dashes, not hyphens- You were missing the space between the hyphen and the next word, like I have done in this sentence. Just add a space to the end of each hyphen, and it will be fine. No, I think commas would be inferior to dashes in this case.

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I feel like the way I have it is fine. "As she scanned the crowd, her view coming into contact with her loved ones, she found their punctured skin and brains the most disturbing of their appearance."

I guess I got excited the first time I read it through. If you can change it to something else that you are happy with easily, don't hesitate, but it isn't worth more than five minutes of work to try and fix.

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I think I asked the wrong question. Yes, I do want a more dramatic/impacting ending... I feel like it's "blah"... like it just ended and there needs to be more. (or a different ending sentence...)

Okay, let me go back and see what we can do...

Okay. Here's my first idea: We'll move some bits around, and do minor re-structuring, then see if we like that, and continue from there. I feel like a time-shift will make this feasible, while retaining the dream-like quality of the piece. We'll see.

Overview

Here's the basic structure:

Section one: (reference 1.), this is in the present, so be sure to physically set it apart from the body. This hooks the reader.

Section two (reference 4.), this is in the past, and goes into detail about Eliza's plight and escape from the ghosts, without revealing why she is haunted. Do not include much emotion, but work up the sense of terror or fear in the reader, to make emotion later more dramatic.

Section three (reference 2.) this is in the present, so be sure to physically set it apart from the body. This increases the reader's wonder, and forces them to recall the beginning, preparing them for the ending.

Section four (reference 4.) This is in the past, and is a continuation of section two, but we will learn that the ghosts are those that Eliza loved. Include more emotion, increasing as you near the end of this section.

Section five (reference 3.) This is in the present, so be sure to physically set it apart from the body. This is the ending, which will tie the other two parts from the present with the information from section four of the past, into a concise, emotional ending. This is where all the emotion is let loose.

1. (present)

Eliza opened her mind the way her friends had admired, peering back into the past. A tear stroked her cheek as she remembered her life being complicated. She recalled needing to escape and, with a little push from death and a knife to her wrists, she was gone. Staring at the ghosts, she saw that they were in deep mental pain that she knew she had caused. She had longed for something easier than life, and made it harder for the living people by doing so; she deserved to be in hell.

“Please make them leave,” Eliza requested, her voice regaining strength. “I don’t want to watch them suffer.” When she didn’t receive a reply, she turned to find Death missing.

1. Move the above to the beginning of the passage. This is vague enough to hook the reader, and hints at the ending we are leading up to, so we are creating an expectation of the ending with the very first two paragraphs. In order to do so, we will need to make slight modifications to the very first sentence of the above, and introduce Eliza, perhaps including a brief note about the setting. At the end of these two paragraphs we will need a transition sentence. I immediately think of something involving memory, but I think that that will sound corny, so perhaps something on the order of a description of her plight in coming to where she is at the end of the original passage (having an intercourse with death itself).

Specifics for the above:

I would remove "that she knew she had caused.", because those that she has hurt will be revealed as the plot progresses, so withholding their identity now will give us a tool to build climax with.

2. (present)

I shouldn’t have chosen this; there’s no way out.

The ghosts silently made their way towards her, closing her tightly between them to get as close as they could to the girl they cherished. Eliza understood, opening her arms to welcome them as they sobbed over her death. She prepared herself for an eternity of embracing the ones she loved to help them deal with the pain she had caused.

2. This will be inserted about halfway through the body, as another section of the present, a wakening from her reverie that the body of this piece will be. This will excite the reader, causing them to recall the first part of the present (1.) and its lure of an ending, and thus excite them more toward the ending. This will be inserted at a point in which the reader does not yet know that the dead are those who loved Eliza, and as such, we must remove those hints from 2.

Specifics for 2.:

remove " they cherished", and " the ones she loved to help them deal with the pain she had caused."

add something to the end of "She prepared herself for an eternity of embracing", most likely including the dead.

3. (present)

Eliza snapped her head up, terrified of Death being so close to her. She gasped, her eyes growing wide although she wanted very much to sew them shut. Her family and her friends, along with their dear ones surrounded her in the form of ghosts. Their heads were deformed for they were the ones Death had used his contraption on. Even though their lips were twisted in sickly ways and their eyes were half closed- if they even had eyes at all- she recognized each face. As she scanned the crowd, her view coming into contact with her loved ones, she found their punctured skin and brains the most disturbing of their appearance.

She screeched, “Why did you do this?!”

“You’re asking the wrong person,” Death replied plainly.

3. Okay, this is the new ending. The final line is short and to the point, yet will make the reader reflect upon its truth, as has been revealed to them while they read unwittingly. This will tie the entire piece together, instead of just putting a single, self-contained resolution at the end, which could exist in and of itself, alone.

Specifics for 3.:

Their heads were deformed for they were-- comma after 'deformed'.

Move

"Even though their lips were twisted in sickly ways and their eyes were half closed- if they even had eyes at all- she recognized each face. As she scanned the crowd, her view coming into contact with her loved ones, she found their punctured skin and brains the most disturbing of their appearance. "

to before

"Their heads were deformed for they were the ones Death had used his contraption on.", and change the first few words of each of their sentences to reflect the new order in the paragraph. In this way, the horror of the helmet immediately precedes the ending dialogue, leaving the reader little time to dissociate the horror of the helmet with what Death has done, creating more emotion in Eliza's last words.

4. (past)

The ghastly figure floated close enough to the floor to make the false appearance that he was stalking towards her on feet. Everything from his lengthy hair that flew about wildly to his whispering cloak acted as a dark shadow. Only his piercing, ruby eyes escaped the engulfing darkness that surrounded him, staring intently into the gloom. She could effortlessly imagine him grinning at her as he dangled the deathly contraption in front of her. Her guess that the device hadn’t been used since medieval times couldn’t have been far from being true; he was going to slaughter her with an armor helmet containing penetrating substances that would be placed around her head and tightened until she died.

She had seen it being used to murder multiple times before; it wasn’t pleasant.

Eliza shrieked, thrusting her arms about to prevent him from positioning the horrifying helmet around her head. She succeeded, dashing for the chamber’s exit. The woman opened the door, revealing an alarming lack of landscape; a once thriving territory that was, in the past, familiar to her was now reduced to blood-stained dirt and gravel carpeted with piles of bones.

She was overcome with fear and shock that provided her with adrenaline to keep her running throughout the dreadful plain, searching for a way out. Eliza failed to find an exit. She soon realized that the more she searched, the more utterly lost she became. His disturbing laugh could be heard in the distance; he knew what she felt and he found it amusing.

Eliza fell to the ground, clutching her face with her hands to release her tears into as she thought about past events that had happened so quickly. He had come to her knowing she was wishing the worst upon everyone around her; when she felt hatred for people who “didn’t want her.” She had allowed him into her house for he seemed kind enough in a less-frightening form. Unwanted Eliza-in the foolish state she was in- spilled out her feelings to him, explaining her wish of wanting to be alone and he granted it. He had revealed to her his nightmarish appearance and traveled around her homeland at an inhumanly rapid speed, herding people from their houses to his kingdom, swiftly burning everything as he went. She soon sat on a throne he had prepared for her, and watched him violently murder everyone she knew.

It seemed as though she had passed on her want of being alone to him, for now he was out to kill her; to leave himself companionless. Eliza didn’t know that he-death-never stopped searching for more people to devour, that he would never be forsaken with all of the sinners in the world.
Death, in the most tangible form it could be, loomed above Eliza and, having heard her thoughts, inquired, “Kill you?”-Death erupted in laughter-“You are already dead; you are your own murderer and you took others with you.”

4. Okay, this is where the brunt of the work falls. The general idea is to expand upon your description of the setting and the ghosts, while intensifying the feeling that they create in Eliza. For this to be very effective, remember to 'show, don't tell' (You don't have too much of a problem with this, but still), so really emphasize her actions and how she looks, rather than just giving her an emotion, and telling us to accept it. Let her despair be written in her body language, for the reader to respond to in their own way, which will be more powerful than any emotion you can dictate to them. I'll skip on specifics because I'm short on time.  

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As I'm putting this 'new version' of my story together based on your suggestions, I'm having some concerns... maybe I'm misinterpreting your idea.

First, you tell me to consider making reference 2 (my current ending) the ending, which is what I want(although I want to reword it or add more)...
then you tell me reference 3 is my new ending... which I feel makes Eliza go from understanding to a state of denial and horror.

I do agree reference 1 could make a good beginning... but after that you lost me.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Oops! Yeah, I messed up the 'Overview' on that one. It is now fixed.

I thought that ref. 3 would be a more fitting ending personally- I was getting this horror story vibe from your piece, so I thought you were after something scary, rather than understanding. If you want to keep the original ending as the ending... Let me think about how to do that. We might need to change a few things.

Okay, so my idea in general was to split this into two time periods, one being her talking to death after she has encountered her ghosts (the original ending) and the other being her encountering the ghosts (the part leading up to the ending in the original).

Each section is a shift in the time period, as denoted by past or present, in which the present is the end of the original, and the past is the body of the original.

This idea sounded good in my mind- if you aren't liking it, we can come up with something else.  

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Yes, a horror vibe is good for this piece..

The problem with making reference 3 the ending:

This is before it--->
"Eliza understood, opening her arms to welcome them as they sobbed over her death. She prepared herself for an eternity of embracing the ones she loved to help them deal with the pain she had caused."

Which I feel is her understanding that it's her fault these people are in pain, not Death's.

While reference 3 is--->

"'She screeched, “Why did you do this?!”

“You’re asking the wrong person,” Death replied plainly.'"

In this part she's blaming Death for harming the ghosts, not wanting to believe it was her fault.

If I make reference 3 my ending, I'll have to change reference 2 completely, so that she never leaves her state of denial.

This is doable... I'll work on it.

I understand the shifting time periods idea, and already have ideas on how to split reference 4.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Sounds good! I don't envy the time required to make these adjustments, but I am glad that you like this idea. Please post the new version when you are done with it? I would like to see how it turns out.  

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Of course I'll post it when I'm done! [: