The contest is 'officially over' now, so I decided to post my story in order to get some criticism on a piece I am quite proud of.

Judges, can you please share with me where I had lost points, your thoughts and your criticism? It'll be greatly appreciated.


A forceful breeze caught her hair by surprise, demanding that the strands come along. Her hair had no choice but to reluctantly follow the order. She shivered as she clutched her hat firmly to her head, causing every man to fall to her feet in admiration. The woman was flawless and no amount of wind could destroy her appearance; the gust turned out to be a plus for this particular woman, placing her hair in such a way that it made her charm unimaginable.

She continued across the dock with one hand on her head, one hand resting in her lover’s grasp. The man released her hand only for a moment to present their tickets to the conductor. The conductor analyzed the strangely angelic woman who simply smiled in response. Her husband hastily returned her hand to his and they were on their way. They entered the enormous boat with grins on their faces and with the knowledge that their honeymoon was going to be a life-changing experience.

~~*~~*~~*~~

“I love you.” The words left his mouth gracefully, caressing her ears. He pecked her lips, “my angel.”

“I love you, too,” she whispered in a voice as simple as the smile she had given the conductor earlier. Her words quickly died, giving the room a rough birth of silence.

She was fighting herself on the inside. There wasn’t a trait that her man possessed that appealed to her other than his extraordinary adoration for her. He admired her in a different way than other men; he loved everything about her from her beauty to the opinions that exited her mouth while others would be fine if they only saw her on the cover of a magazine. She loved the way he adored her- not himself- and decided that she would stay with him until the day he left her.

He passionately kissed her to gain her attention, “You are like a book, and it kills me to say that I am awful at reading you.”

She grinned, “A book?”

He nodded, “You are such a mystery; I never know what’s on your mind. Can you teach me how to read?”

She kissed him in response knowing that he’d be better off as the ignored student whose questions are left unanswered.

~~*~~*~~*~~

The sun appeared as a flaming ball rising from the ocean the following morning. She was the first to wake up and she somehow managed to release herself from his tight embrace without waking him. The sun startled her with its brightness, causing a thought to cross her mind that she had become a demon burning in hell. Perhaps, on the inside, she was. She turned her gaze towards her husband, intently searching for a reason to love him; for the cure to her guilt. He was attractive, but what reason for love could she depend on when he was ugly and ancient? She knew him better than anyone else, and the more she learned about him, the less she enjoyed his company. Shaking her head, she reminded herself that out of all men, he would be the one to treat her with unconditional love. She must fight the demon inside of her.

She smiled as soon as his eyes opened. Her eyes were about to overflow with tears but, once again, nature was at her side; the sun’s rays brought out the beauty of her eyes, leaving behind the gloominess.

“Am I in heaven?” he gasped at her elegance, “I never imagined an angel being as gorgeous as this one is.”

Her face suddenly became wet as she sobbed. She did not deserve to be called an angel from a man she felt enmity towards.

His face warped into a frown, “What’s wrong?”

She let loose, cradling her head in her hands. He sat beside her, massaging her back.

“Little angel, I have yet to learn how to read,” he said with worry in his eyes. “Why are you upset?”

She straightened her back to look him in the eyes with an expression so cruel he removed his hands from her back and departed to give her more space. “I am not an angel, so stop calling me one!” she screamed.

He nodded, accepting the verbal slap in his face. “I’m going to breakfast,” he said, breaking the silence. “You can join me if you’d like.”

He reluctantly left her side and exited the room.

She wanted more than anything to be off of the hideous ship; to be away from him. The guilt she felt for not loving such a sweet man was making her crazy. On the inside, she was the demon and he was the angel, although he believed otherwise; an advantage she was going to use to dispose of her guilt. She gave control over to the demon inside of her.

~~*~~*~~*~~

She sat across from him at the table in the ideal private room. Their dinner was identical to images in food magazines; the finest steak accompanied by the finest wine. The demon scrutinized the innocent angel whose thoughts were of how beautiful the demon looked tonight in her black dress.

She undressed her demonic weapon. There was nothing in her eyes that hinted that she was ever human; she seemed possessed. She waited for the perfect moment- when the angel was suddenly interested in his food- to stalk over to the opposite end of the table. The angel glanced up to see his wife standing beside him, grinning at him, with a knife in her hand. He allowed his darling to kill her demon, to kill her guilt whose beginning and end thrived inside of him; the angel sat still as the demon swiftly sliced his neck.

She relished the angel’s blood, not once feeling a pang of guilt for slaughtering him. The demon enjoyed murder, especially when it destroyed a problem. She felt better about herself now that she no longer required a reason to love him.

With the flightless angel in her arms, the demon smelled glory. She brought him towards the railing of the boat and carelessly released him into the ocean. The fading sun shined on his floating body, surrounding the angel with a glorious light. His body became one with the waves, bobbing slightly and then, as a monstrous wave engulfed him, he fell to the bottom of the waters- his final resting place.

A single tear etched a path in her cheek to make an insignificant river and was soon followed by many more tears, making the river a prospering lake. Human-like emotions filled her once more, bringing a new kind of guilt that she instantly felt was worse than before. She, by killing the true angel, proved that she was a demon whose chances of becoming a saint were slim to none. Her survival was now impossible without purity in her life, particularly without the angel she had murdered.

She dived into the ocean just as the sun was being submerged by the water. The demon held onto a rock at the deepest part of the ocean and waited for the flaming ball to catch up with her; she impatiently waited for hell.