Holidays, family prayers, and "the closet"

[Daffodil the Destroyer]

Ugh. Holiday festivities always mean big family dinners, which in themselves aren't usually bad... but big family dinners always mean my mother has to come up with some stupid "custom" prayer for that particular holiday before dinner. It makes me feel really awkward, more so than I would feel if she went with a standard prayer from the BCP.

My mom and my grandfather both know that I am not a believer, and mom does keep the prayers short, which I appreciate.... but it makes me feel just... wrong, and I think it's because my dad is always there. As far as my dad is concerned, I am still firmly in the closet and we all agree that it is better this way as his reaction would most likely not be anything that should be seen in polite company. I feel weird having to sit there and pretend to pray for the purpose of not outing myself... not to mention that it bothers me that they only insist on praying on holidays. They never ever ever say grace otherwise and never have.

I hate having to keep quiet about my beliefs and opinions when they aren't hurting anyone... but I know that his reaction if I were to tell him would certainly hurt. I feel like such a spineless sack of s**t... I'm a grown a** woman who doesn't live with my dad, but he's still able to manipulate me effortlessly without even realizing he's doing it.

 

[adolfchrist]

quite a peculiar situation  

[Kidrahs]

That sucks. You said he still has control over you. If you don't mind me asking, in what way? From what I can assume ( and I almost never assume, the whole " makes an 'a**' out of 'you' and 'me' " thing), it must be a realy tight hold he has on you if you don't live with him and it still affects you.  

[Daffodil the Destroyer]

Kidrahs

That sucks. You said he still has control over you. If you don't mind me asking, in what way? From what I can assume ( and I almost never assume, the whole " makes an 'a**' out of 'you' and 'me' " thing), it must be a realy tight hold he has on you if you don't live with him and it still affects you.

Well, I grew up being afraid of him because he liked to yell and scream about almost everything. He still does, sometimes. It's just really difficult to get past 20+ years of being screamed at every time I disagree about something... I also have GAD, which only adds to my difficulty in these situations.

 

[Moochka]

That is an unfortunate situation. I wish you were able to be openly tell your father that you are not religious. But I understand why you would be afraid to do so. My biological mother was very harsh with me for 17 years and I'm still afraid to even make contact with her again. I'm sorry you have to endure that, but on a certain level I suppose I could relate.
My adoptive father's side of the family is extremely religious and so whenever we have family events they always make all of us bow our heads and say grace. (Even though they are aware that all of my family and my Mother's side of the family is not religious and has no religious affiliation.) So it always make's for an awkward situation.