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"I Remember The Time"
By: Vera - From: Germany
On June 25th of this year Michael Jackson died. I think this is no news to anyone. What seems to be news or reason to doubt my insanity is the fact, that his death has affected me so badly.
Instead of just "letting me be" and come to terms with it I keep having to explain myself to people around me and I'm getting a bit tired of it all. I also get attacked... because no one recalled me being a MJ fan before.
I wasn't. But the pain I feel and the tears I cry are for real and that is why I decided to speak up.
Here's piece of my splintering heart...
I remember being a huge music lover... I dedicated my love to "my bands"... spent all my pocket money, time and love following them around Europe, dedicating my life to them.
I remember Michael Jackson wasn't one of them then.
I remember the days when Michael hit the TV screens in Germany... OMG ~ THRILLER... how my little brother and I adored it! We giggled, we were scared, we tried to dance along with it and we thought this Mike kid was amazing! Loved BEAT IT, loved BILLIE JEAN... but it was enough for us having had recorded those videos off MTV (about 30 times each) and I never had the urge buying any of his records.
I remember all his hits... the amazing videos... I noticed changes in his looks but funny enough it never bothered me. I never judged him or asked "WHY", because there was something about him, no matter what he looked like, he simply was special.
I remember the closest I came to seeing him "live"... DANGEROUS tour... I was working in a ticket agency and my boss was eagerly awaiting sales for the MJ tickets (money on his mind). I was running that little box office on my own and whilst Cologne was a sell out gig and a huge success... the second gig in our regent (Gelsenkirchen) got cancelled... on the day, after fans had queued for hours.
I remember my next shift in the office... and thousands of angry fans coming to the shop, abusing me, shouting at me, demanding an answer from me as to why Michael never showed up ("I'll ask him, next time we go out for a drink, yeah right!") At the end of that working day I admit... I was fed up, not wanting to hear that name ever again and being equally as rude to the customers as they were to me.
I remember I forgave Michael a few weeks later, after I had calmed down smile
I remember Michael coming to MY hometown Duisburg/Germany to do the world premiere of his EARTH SONG in the show "Wetten, dass... " I remember that, although my husband had bought tickets, I decided to stay at home and watch it on TV while hubby went to the venue to sell the tickets for 5 times the buying price.
***As I'm writing this down, remembering, the pain is increasing... the grip around my heart is tightening and my body hurts***
I remember the bad press... and I remember that I always thought LEAVE HIM ALONE and smiled when he sang exactly THAT.
I remember hearing/seeing how he opened his heart and home to those who weren't as fortunate as others, his love for children and animals and humans in general. He was a good man. End of.
End of? No... busy with my own ordeals and problems in life I didn't get the full story... but I heard the accusations... CHILD ABUSE? ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? THAT MAN???? Never! Headlines. Rumours. Pictures. OMG what was happening to him?? A lot of questions, my views as to why this and why that... but then my life went into a different direction yet again.
I remember... more videos, more rewards, more press, more headlines... it made me smile whenever there were good news, it made me ignore the press and shake my head in anger when it was trash!
I remember that TV programme LIVING WITH MICHAEL... watched it... loved bits, hated pieces, disliked that guy who was in charge, felt uncomfortable... felt REALLY sorry for Michael at times and I remember, not long afterwards, the LIVING WITH MICHAEL, Part TWO documentary that put things right... or at least tried to!
I remember thinking about Michael a lot then.
I remember that AWFUL ordeal he went through.
I remember him being taken to court, over and over again... the news coverage... his sad eyes... my own sadness.
I remember... not remembering or knowing anything about his whereabouts after that.
I remember him announcing the THIS IS IT shows in London.
I remember him looking fragile, excited and me wondering if he was fit enough... thinking "shame... no Germam shows... this time I'd go"...
I remember Thursday morning, June 25th, 2009, 8am German time... me standing outside, seeing my son off to school, chatting to a neighbour, commenting on her strange spot on her face, telling her to see a doctor about it and her saying "Yes, maybe I should so that I don't die all of a sudden... like Michael Jackson!"
Ever been hit by a truck?? I have. A truck called SHOCK!
I remember mumbling a good-bye... running up the stairs... turning the TV on and... not moving for hours. In sheer horror, disbelief, disgust and utter despair I watched the scenes... ambulances... helicopters... body bag... crying fans... police... media... and the headline... THE KING OF POP DIED AT 50!
I remember being... numb... speechless... confused... hysterical... sad... devastated and not able to function normally.
And I haven't been able ever since!
The past weeks I have slept between 3-5 hours a night, at the most. I was... I am on a mission. Not to just pay my respect but to learn as much about him as possible... all these things I could've... should've done while he was alive.
But how was I to know his death was going to throw me off line? I liked him, I digged his stuff, I believed in his innocence... but I wasn't a fan "as such"! If I had met him on the streets I would've politely called him Mr.Jackson, I wouldn't have gone screaming his name or run after him. I would've respected his privacy and I would've treated him... pretty normal, I guess...
The past weeks I practically lived on YouTube. I watched a million video clips, good and bad, I watched some a hundred times and downoaded loads. I bought all his CDs and DVDs, I had the urge to do SOMETHING!
I have thrown myself into hell... hell of discovering what the world did to this poor battered soul. A man that went through hell since he was little... a man that did nothing but good and got treated so badly! I felt sick looking at the court footage... his eyes... those SAD haunted eyes... the way he SUFFERED, the horror and pain his face reflected... so frightened... I sat here watching it OVER and OVER again... crying my eyes out. OMG, what did "we" do to him???
And I remembered the last time I thought exactly that... when I was watching THE PASSION OF CHRIST! I don't mean to be disrespectful... I do believe in God and Jesus Christ and I know there is no other... but I whole heartedly believe Michael was one of those... a "chosen one" ~ that was given to us as a present... and TEST... if human kind would recognise the GOOD this time... and boy, did we fail again!!!!
I wrote this little poem a few days after his passing... when the pain, caused by my sudden understanding, became almost unbearable...
Tell me I'm stupid, tell me I'm mad, tell me I'm wrong and tell me I'm bad... I won't shut up and I'm not afraid to say, that I'm upset and crying every day... didn't we do it all before, crying over an incredible loss, when we hunted Jesus and nailed him to the cross... listen & learn, miss him & yearn!
RIP MJ ~~V~~
WHY NOW? Because some people don't know what they've got till it's gone... although it hit them in the face for years! But I won't close my eyes, ears, heart and soul now... no way. If all this pain is my punishment for not paying enough attention to Michael while he was alive... so be it!
I wish I had known what I know today... to the extend, I mean. I wish I would've been more sensitive to his pain... to the wrong doings. Would it have made any difference?
I simply don't know. But I am SO sorry and I'm begging his forgiveness EVERY DAY since!
During the trials there was a woman holding up a sign saying IN THE NAME OF MANKIND... WE ARE SORRY! Yes! In the name... I am sorry Michael!
I have fallen in love with him, his beautiful mind, his loving soul, everything he stood for and I will go on talking to him, telling him every single day that he HAS changed... maybe not the whole world, but many lives. Mine too!
He has brought people together, he has moved countless of hearts and NOT just with his music, but with his story, his life. The tears that have been shed since he died would fill an ocean that could cleanse continents.
If only one would've listened to the words of his songs... so many messages there. If only one would've stood up and took his side. If only one would've left him alone and given him and his family the privacy everyone deserves. If only we would've been more sensitive!!!
IF ONLY...
But we pushed him to an early grave and it is OUR LOSS!
Michael... if you are looking over my shoulder, reading this... please, forgive me, forgive us!
written with a heavy heart, lots of love and through tears by me, Vera
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