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Reply Writing: Prose
A Drought of luck

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Kelethor

PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 5:37 pm
This is only my second short story, and there are things I both like and dislike about it. Posting for feedback.


A Drought of Luck


Damn you! How many times had those words entered Aaron's mind the past two days? Hundreds? Thousands? To count would waste too much of the precious little energy he had left in his body. He was thirsty, he was in pain, and he was dying. That last fact in particular had been on his mind the past few hours. Yes, he was going to die on this plateau and there was nothing that he could do about it.

Not four days ago he was living the big life. His wife, Isabel, was the daughter of two multi-millionaires. Money was never a problem with their holiday checks that they sent out, even on Aaron's meager salary as a teacher. He and Isabel had no children, even after eight years of marriage, kids were something they never discussed. Perhaps that was for the best though, considering the situation he was in now.

The rest of her family was pretty normal, except for her brother, Diego. The only time Aaron ever met him was at his and Isabel's wedding, and even then only briefly, for a handshake and congratulation. There were a lot of rumors surrounding him and his profession. He was said to be a drug lord operating in Mexico. Isabel never commented on those rumors, and until two days ago Aaron had completely dismissed them.

Barely three days ago Aaron returned home to find Isabel sprawled on the staircase that led to their bedroom. He had called 911 after trying to revive her, but less than half an hour later she was pronounced dead. He was in shock, he didn't cry, he didn't grieve, for several hours he simply existed answering the police's questions, but not knowing what he said. It was the appearance of Diego that broke him of his shock.

Diego had actually come in a helicopter, and he had men with him. Without being told why Aaron was quickly ushered in to the vehicle. Most of what was said while the helicopter took off was lost to Aaron, but there were two things in particular that he remembered. One was how angry the man looked. The other is a single phrase that he shouted, right before breaking Aaron's legs.

“I'm going to show you that you can't get away with poisoning my sister without suffering for every last moment of your short life.”

The pain that had followed was the worst Aaron had ever felt. The two other men with him and Diego snapped his legs at nearly the same time. Aaron could barely resist the action in his state. A silence passed for an unknown time after his screams of pain had died down, eventually though the helicopter began to slow, then lower itself down to the plateau that he was now dying on. As the copter hovered two feet off the ground Aaron was pushed out by the man to his right, catching Diego's grin and he fell, hitting the ground hard with his shoulder, and pain exploding anew throughout his legs.

The next two days were spent weeping over his predicament, and cursing Diego. Aaron had not murdered his wife, and now he was being murdered. It surprised him how little he actually cared about his wife's death when being faced with his own. She was an afterthought now, nothing more than a small burden compared to the one he faced now. As one day turned to two thirst became a bigger concern than pain. He could tell by the shrubbery around him that it hadn't rained here in a long time.

The hours passed slowly, and the mental torture was just as bad as the physical torture undergoing his body. He was eventually able to prop himself up against one of the many rocks laying around him. The calmness of the night sky seemed to mock him as he looked up at it now. Not a cloud was in sight, which meant no rain was going to fall to save him. He didn't even bother to pray for it.

Finally, as the moon began to reach it's zenith in the night sky, Aaron decided he would not wait to die. If he was going to die anyway, he wanted to be in control of his death. At the very least, he could take satisfaction in deciding the very end of his fate. He began inching across the ground then. His legs were useless, and using only his arms took a lot of energy, and a lot of time. What more did he have to lose though?

As he inched his way to the edge of the plateau he began to reflect on his life. He hadn't accomplished much, he was able to afford a two floor house, and had a job that he could be fired from at any time with the economy in it's current state. He had no kids, his savings account was a joke, and he hadn't even reached his forties. His life thusfar was a joke compared to what it could have been. The only high point was that his wife's family was rich, but her family also included Diego.

“I'm going to show you that you can't get away with poisoning my sister without suffering for every last moment of your short life.”

Damn you! Aaron screamed in his head, shutting out all other thoughts. Instead he focused on his task, and as minutes turned to hours and the moon began to fall behind him the ledge drew ever closer. Nothing could stop him now, he was determined to reach it. Determined to end his own life instead of rotting, propped against a rock waiting for the end.

The sun was beginning to rise when Aaron reached the end of his long journey. The drop looked like it went on for miles, though Aaron knew that wasn't the case. He might have gone insane before hitting the ground if that had been the case. He wasn't in a hurry, so he took a moment to catch a final glimpse of the landscape that had served as his home the past couple of nights. He took in the details of every shrub and rock. The mountains that were in the background, yet seemed so close. The dry ground beneath him, and finally the cliff before him. The only sound he made as he slipped over the edge was a sigh, and thus began his free fall.

It really was true what people said, time really did seem to slow when death rushes at you. Aaron tried to just clear his head and relax as the wind whipped at him, but something was nagging at him. “I'm going to show you that you can't get away with poisoning my sister without suffering for every last moment of your short life.” As the phrase played out in his head a final time something occurred to him that his shocked mind couldn't register at the time

“I'm going to show you that you can't get away with poisoning my sister without suffering for every last moment of your short life.”

It was a mere hour before Diego's arrival that the police had determined Isabel had been poisoned. There was no way that her brother could have received a signal in mid-flight, much less from a small town police department hundreds of miles away. He would have had to of known beforehand. Unless he had poisoned her, or hired someone to do it.

Damn you! Aaron screamed in his head, now half-way through his free fall. He understood everything now. Isabel's parents had died not too long ago in a plane crash. The estate was being divided up between the two siblings, because her parents had made no will. Tens of millions of dollars worth of property would have gone to Aaron and Isabel. Now Diego would receive everything.

The shock and anger at such a selfish action lasted Aaron until he hit the ground.  
PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 6:06 pm
Wow, I like it.

You did a good job on the foreshadowing, though maybe when the police are talking to him, one of the only things he picks out of the conversation is about the poison a little earlier on, then we can see maybe a little more foreshadowing.

I was almost expecting his last words to be "damn you," just a whisper with his last breath, but you didn't do that which was a little surprising, but that is your choice.
On the way towards the ground, Aaron screams, "damn you!" in his head, I'd just have him scream it aloud because that just adds to the feeling that we get as readers that he's letting all of his emotions out. Many times, verbally saying things is much stronger then just thinking them.

One thing that I would clarify is when Diego shows up. When I read it the first time I thought that Diego showed up after the police did (half way through the investigation) and Diego had just taken him away and the police had done nothing.

And as a small grammar note (I'm so bad at these) "Without being told why, Aaron was quickly ushered into the vehicle" Just neede a comma and into is one word.  

Kasi Karra
Crew


Kelethor

PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 1:47 pm
I didn't want the end to be emotional or powerful, exactly the opposite.

I achieved my goal if the reader just goes "Oh."

About the screaming it aloud, I don't know. He's alone, he wasn't going to scream it at god, and all that's left is the ground. Plus, I imagine it'd be very hard to scream during a freefall. I'm not saying the idea's bad, just backing up my choices.

Now, I don't know whether or not I'm going back and editing this yet. I'm juggling a few projects, and it's a lazy day for me. Perhaps tomorrow, if I haven't forgotten.


Thank you for commenting on it, always feels good. When my work isn't being torn down that is.  
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 2:45 pm
lol I love lazy days.

It's good that you're backing up your choices, and now I as a reader understand why you put that it how you did. (I guess I've always enjoyed the theatrical sweatdrop )

And I'm glad I could help smile  

Kasi Karra
Crew


Hybrid Defect

PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 5:46 pm
Kelethor
I achieved my goal if the reader just goes "Oh."


I enjoyed that. It was a nice mix of sympathy and nihilism. You want to feel hope for the main character and his revelation but "oh. never mind."  
PostPosted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 9:50 pm
I like it a lot. As I was reading it, I thought to myself, this is something I'd write. I personally think our writing styles are quite similar besides three things:

1) You're probably better then me.

2) My work often has grammar mistakes because I'm a lazy proof reader.

3) My work is a little more on the sadistic side, in a good way blaugh

You should check out my story thing (A Murder's Fear -Part 1 and 2) and tell me what you think.

I love feedback! lol Keep writing, Man.  

DeMoNxDaVe

Reply
Writing: Prose

 
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