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I just started this story and I know that I have a problem of it all making sense in my head, but then when it goes to paper I some how miss crucial details so then my readers are all confused >.<
I do plan to continue and finish my story, but I just need an opinion on how it's starting off so well. Am I on the right foot, or do I need to restructure the story completely? (Sorry it's a little long)
Your opinions and critiques are much appreciated blaugh
Welcome to the small world of Aenglashia. The three countries of Aenglashia are: Isclande, Caterne, and Daskarus. Separating these three great countries is the wide open ocean of Marisil.
For now these three great countries are at peace, but there’s tension growing as something considered as a new threat is arising.
This threat comes in the form of children. Children world-wide are being found that have powers that are supernatural and some how unreal. Some are completely harmless such as little Lanesha of Isclande who can do any math calculation given to her, but the government is far more worried about the more dangerous gifted. This is the sad tale of Kristianne who was born with what she thought was an amazing gift, but it turned out to be her curse.
Kristianne was like the stereotypical little girl in a stereotypical family. She had long blonde hair that she kept in two big ponytails, bright blue eyes, and one of the most contagious smiles. Her father worked in an office in town and her mother was a stay at home mom and a wonderful cook.
At age 8, Kristianne was playing in the backyard in the rain. A lightning bolt dashed across the sky, lighting Kristianne’s mesmorized eyes for a second. She reached a hand out whispering to herself, “Pretty.”
Her mother came to the door and called, “Kristianne. Come in from the rain darling.” That’s when it hit.
The sound of the lightning crashing down was near deafening as the thunderbolt crashed down into Kristianne’s open hand. Her mother screamed when she saw her child holding a tiny ball of brightly shining live electricity. Kristanne looked at it closer, the smile growing on her face. With a giggle she threw the ball into the air, and it immediately dissipated creating a blackout through out the neighborhood.
For a few months, Kristianne’s mother and father tried to cope with their daughter’s new found ability, but the fear was clear on their faces and Kristanne began to worry. She talked to her best friend about her experience with the lightning, and her friend told her parents. Within days, the whole town knew, and Kristianne was shunned.
It wasn’t long after that when the government officials came knocking at the door. With no options available, Kristianne’s parents were forced to hand her over to the government.
“Mother’s crying was heartbreaking,” Kristianne wrote in her little makeshift journal, if you could even call it that. Her journal consisted of a few loose pages folded in the corner to keep them together, but she knew that these pages would be taken away and burned before being replaced with new sheets in a couple of weeks.
Her once lustrous blonde hair hung in dirty matted knots that just hung lifeless from her scalp. Her once young, anxious and curious blue eyes were dull, dead and a little mad. Her depressing demeanor just clouded the room and even the thought of having a smile present, seemed impossible.
“I still remember the pain I felt as I was taken from my parents. I struggled to get away from the strange men taking me away. I even killed two of them now that I think back on it. Using my curse, I stopped their nervous systems in my attempt to get back to my parents. I remember reaching my hand out to my mother who was kneeling in the door way, but she only half-heartedly reached back. I remember the pain in my heart and how it stung . . . she didn’t really want me. She wanted her daughter back, not a monster.
“A sharp shooting pain shot through me as one of the men in the car knocked me out. Before I completely blacked out, I saw my father holding my crying mother one last time. That is one memory that I wish I could tear up and burn. They didn’t want a cursed child . . . but I just can’t. I guess I hold on to this memory as a small hope, that maybe, just maybe I’ll leave this place forever. Maybe life can return to normal.”
Kristianne raised her head to look around her dimly lit cell. Bright glow in the dark like sticks lined the stone walls of her prison. The floor was heated so that she didn’t freeze, but there was no electricity whatsoever to the room. No clocks, no lamps, no phones, no nothing. Through the small glass window in the heavy metal door, she could see an enormous pit across which there was no passage from her side. Far away on the other side was a crank that the guard could use to lower the bridge to get across.
She’d tried anorexia by refusing to eat, but they just forced it down her throat or gave her injections. She’d tried suicide by jumping off the side of the pit, but the just revived her. She’d tried using the Guard as a hostage once, but no one responded. She’d tried to escape through the elevator and the most reasonable way out of her prison, but they had gassed it to put her out. She’d just about given up trying to kill herself.
These people wanted her alive, but for what, she wasn’t absolutely sure. She’d come to the conclusion that they were sadistic and looking for entertainment or they wanted her as a weapon. The later seemed more likely, but then she could almost count on one hand the number of people she’d seen in the last couple years . . . had it really been years, she thought looking down at the corner of her paper. 5 years, 41 days a little note read next to the tally marks.
As she glanced out the window of her cell she watched as the guard approached, her dinner in hand. “Was it really dinner time again?” she wondered. “And will it be that horrid, burnt, vegetarian pot pie again?”
The guard put down her lunch before using both hands to crank the bridge down. Once the bridge was secured he picked up her lunch again and walked across the walkway, minding the 20 foot drop on either side. His footsteps echoed around the dim underground cavern.
Kristianne let out a sigh as he rapped three times on the door. “Same as always,” she thought allowing a small smile to light her face. She listened excitedly as he put his key in the lock and unlocked the door. The rusting hinges creaked as he opened to door.
“Evening Kristi,” the guard said with a friendly smile on his face.
“Has it really been a month?” her voice was a little raspy from not being used too often. She slowly unwound her arms from around her body to accept her meal. The guard’s dark heavy callused hands were rough against her smooth skin.
“It is,” he answered, taking a seat on her dirty mattress. The bed let out a groan to accommodate his weight. “1 hour of training and 1 hour of free time. I did pull a few strings so that you could do it a little earlier,” he said with a smile and a wink as he laid a package on her nightstand.
“What’s that for?” Kristianne asked pointing at the package before taking a bite of the burnt vegetarian pot pie turnover thing. It seemed even grosser then she remembered, but barfing in front of her only guest didn’t seem appropriate.
The guard smiled. “You can open it later.”
Kristianne smiled back. Somehow when the guard came in, the room always did seem brighter. This only happened once a month and she cherished every minute of it. “So what kind of “training” do I have this month?” Kristianne asked allowing the sarcasim to coat her words.
“Protection and Assistance,” the guard replied with the same enthusiasim and sarcasim in his voice. He chuckled as Kristianne rolled her eyes. “Your job is to protect me and Sergeant Garrison and then help me disarm the 7 enemies.”
“But not to kill them,” Kristianne said with a sigh. “It would be so much easier to kill them,” she whispered.
The guard looked at her with a critical eye. “You know that these men are volunteering to put their lives on the line.”
“All for me. Yeah, yeah I know! But could you make these tasks any more difficult?! And must I continue to let these men see me as nothing but a heartless monster that can do anything?” Kristianne asked beginning to rant and rave about her conditions. Her eyes filled with hate and annoyance, bringing a deadly fire and life to her dull eyes. Her hair snapped a little as some of it drifted off of her shoulders and a couple inches into the air as electricity ran through it creating deadly white flashes at the end.
The guard’s eye brows shot up as he watched her anger spike. Kristianne closed her eyes, held a breath in a second longer and shook her head a couple of times before her hair had returned back to its normal ugly and greasy mess. “Sorry,” she whispered.
The guard smiled as he got up from the bed. He patted her on the shoulder. “I’m glad you’re in control.”
Kristianne sighed as she lowered her gaze. “So am I,” she whispered as the memory of her first week flashed by.
She’d only just met her guard and he had seemed kind, but he was scared, just like the rest of them. They kept her here in this cage, away from others and away from the world. She couldn’t recall why she was so mad, she just recalled the anger she had felt and how it had exploded.
She remembered as her anger the pain she felt as she released all of her anger and the pent up anger she had boiling inside. With the release of her anger, came the deadly release of thousands of volts of electricity. The guard had been the only other living thing in her rock prison and had gotten the brunt of the attack.
She remembered the sudden pain she felt as it all hit her. Had she really killed another person with her anger? Was she really a monster? The tears had welled up in her eyes as she cautiously approached his dead body on the floor. His nervous system had been fried and nothing was moving.
She didn’t want to be a monster. She was still just a child and she just wanted a friend, just like everyone else had.
In a desperate attempt she had laid her hands on his chest and just knelt there, concentrating.
It was another hour before someone came down, looking for the guard that had never returned. This someone had quickly returned with more help. While she was held at gunpoint, these new people performed CPR.
The rest was a blur. That was the second time she had blacked out. The intensity of her fear and the overuse of her gift had shaken her so badly, that he body just shut down all, but the main functions.
After that, the guard had come back, almost as if he was tempting fate. She couldn’t believe it and tried to make it up to him, but she could still see the fear in his eyes.
Even now, years later, she could still feel the distant sense of fear in his eyes, but it was much more distant and she couldn’t blame him for having that. She had almost killed him anyways.
Putting down the rest of her uneaten dinner she stood up and with a short running start, did an elegant back flip out the door.
Her feet hit the cold metal of the drawbridge and she let the freezing sensation race through her body.
She stretched her body making sure her muscles were relaxed before turning back to the guard who stood near by. “Ready?” he asked.
Kristianne nodded. “Ready,” she replied a little eager to get this over with and happier then she’d been in a long time. She brushed the hair back from her face and smiled a real smile, one that shone in her eyes and seemed to light up the dim cavern.
The doors at the end of the hall opened and Sergeant Garrison walked out. He came to stand by Kristianne’s side. She watched him get his shivering under control as he entered his war time state of mind. She cautiously raised a hand and touched the gun he held in his right hand. She watched the fear grow in his eyes as he took a hasty step back. She sighed, of course she was still a monster. She’d run simulations similar to this one with him before, but he still thought of her as a monster and something to be shunned.
Kristianne let a small amount of electricity run through the gun and through Sergeant Garrison’s body, making sure he didn’t feel anything before returning her hand to her side.
Below her in the ditch she could hear as the men below set up their weapons. There was an automatic gun and something else that was really big. “This is new,” she thought to herself as the guard beside her raised his hand. Together, Kristianne, the guard and the Sergeant moved back to the door way of her cell.
The guard lowered his hand and moved out as the guns around the room began to fire.
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