Untitled/ The Asylum?

[Trinity of Light]

Note*
I have started writing this, and if anything, I believe the plot could be expanded into a novel of sorts. I would consider this the prologue, of course, it needs high revision, and I hope you guys and gals can help me.
Please :]

It seemed as if he was being thrown into a tomb, considering the light, or in this case, the lack of it. His body was arched an odd way, making his small skeletal frame crank into an almost absolute circle. However odd it was, it wasn’t the position that frightened the young dark haired man, it was then woman walking towards him. “Just relax,” She said simply and the boy looked at her with eyes of petrified fear. He tried to move, sloping his body just enough to make it congruent with the floor of soft padding below him, but to no avail. Being tied up in heavy rope would never be considered an advantage and in this case, it certainly wasn’t.

The woman walked closer, her all white clothes stained with fresh ruby red blood. A wicked smile seemed to appear on her face making her all the more frightening. Once she finally reached the boy, his eyes wide with fright and filled with confusion, the woman snapped her fingers. It was a soft, quiet snap, but enough to signal them. They are her mangled crew. They are the causes for the scream in the middle of night, waking more people up and causing much more screams. They appeared in fresh white coats, a needle in one of their white gloved hands.

“Nurse, please,” One begged, his voice coated in a type of fear for the woman in front of him. “Here it is,” He said and shoved it forward, making a small noise after handing it to the nurse, almost as if he were afraid of the much smaller blonde haired woman in front of him. The boy struggled and struggled, trying to free himself from his bonds while the Nurse was distracted. “Now, now,” the Nurse began, her voice covered with sugary sweetness, “Let us begin. This is section 2 dash 3 dash 9. Nurse Rei Tisina is performing the experiment. I will now place the needle of into the patient numbered 269378-93216.” The needle was filled with an odd liquid, red in some places while it appeared that there would be chunks of green like material as well. But they couldn’t put something hard in his blood stream? Could they?

“Inciting test sequence,” She said, her voice peaceful and calm, leaving an odd effect on the tense room around her. Her goons stood completely still, trying to even hold their breath in certain, not letting a bit of the oxygen escape from their compacted lungs. The boy watched in horror as the woman grabbed onto his arm, stabbing the needles directly into his royal blue vein. His body began to twitch all around, making him have spasms on the padded room below him. “Help me,” He gasped before falling to the floor.

The nurse sighed and then looked at the floor around her. Blood seeped from his eyes and mouth, and she simply ignored the fact. “Testing. . . .Failed,” She said and turned on her white heel before leaving the room. The goons hung their heads low, knowing they would be punished for the mistake and would have to clean up the body. Rei sighed once more and picked up a writing board, from outside of the room, and checked off certain things. “Check for a pulse,” She said and quickly, a goon grabbed the arm of the dead boy before checking his pulse. “Dead,” He said sadly before walking over and letting go of the arm. It was pale and was oddly cold for being dead for such a short time.

“Well then, I guess we’ll just have to work harder. Pronounce him dead. Take care of the corpse,” Rei said, and shook her head, letting shiny black curls cascade down her back. She knew it was unprofessional, but that hardly mattered to her at the moment. Right no she would have to tell the doctor another one of his patients died because of his crazy experiments. She was a devoted catholic and knew that this experimentation was unacceptable. It was the only job she could find the area, however, considering the fact that nurses were being taken away from hospitals and being forced to become full doctors. She couldn’t afford that. Not with three kids of her own, and one of whom would be going to college just that fall semester. Rei’s hands went to her face, and she wanted to feel the tears appear in her tear ducts, but to no avail, they seemed not to be working. It was expected now. She was stronger now.

She remembered the first time she killed a young boy. It reminded her of her own son and made her wonder, but she couldn’t, not when the doctor was right in front of her. Her first time, he was there, instructing her carefully, laughing at the tears pooling up in her eyes. “Now, now,” He’d say, brushing her hair away from her eyes, letting her grapple onto his shoulder for comfort. “They deserve to die. For the name of science,” He’d say and then hand her the red needle. She’d cry in front of the patient, telling him or her that everything was going to be alright, even when it wasn’t. She’d purposely lie to them, in order to get them to trust her. It was horrible to watch them die. To see the blood all over the ground and then watch them gasp and pull at their throats. Still, nobody would ever hire her again once they found out what she had done.

Rei, walked and pushed open a wide metal door. ‘Odd,’ She thought knowing that she had not only locked the metal door, but the doctor would normally close the door from the inside, leaving it password protected for her to open later with a code. Immediately, she looked around her and took a cautious step inside of the laboratory, trying to listen carefully for any noises. She walked more into the lab, her heels making a large obnoxious noise as they scraped on the bottom of the tile. “Rei, I’ve done it,” a man whispered, as Rei turned the corner of the lab, looking at the doctor. His blonde braided hair (one that could make an angle jealous) was undone, sometime she’d never seen even after all of the years she’d been around him. “Doctor, what, what the hell happened?” She questioned, not getting a good look at the man because of the small amount of light.

And suddenly the lights began to cut and short circuit, flashing, making Rei believe she was in a cheap horror movie. “Oh god,” She whispered, and then ran to a big blue button, pushing it down. The button was the evacuating button, the one they used during the small fire drills at the asylum. It was dark and she knew many of the patients were sleeping, but they needed to get out of here. “DOCTOR!” Rei screamed as the lights flickered on and she saw wisps of his blonde hair flash in front of her, before she was pushed aside by the man. “Rei, look at me,” He moaned and then covered his hands with his pale flesh.

The man Rei once knew was gone. Instead, in his place was an angel. Bright heavenly wings were stained with ruby red blood and the skin on his back was torn with burned, bright scars from where the wings seemingly popped out. “Doctor, what happened?” Rei said simply as the doctor looked down at Rei, a deathly evil glare placed on his bright blue eyes. “Are you an idiot?” He asked simply, raising his voice slightly. “DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT I HAVE BECOME?” He questioned, leaning over and picking up the nurse by her white blouse. “An angel,” Rei whispered and gulped, struggling for a breath of air. The doctor laughed and then threw the woman, knocking her unconscious. “IT WORKED REI. THE VIAL WORKED!’ He yelled hysterically, a laugh that would normally bring chills down normal backs. It was then that the doctor, the mad, insane doctor, paused, getting a good look around him. His patients, his life source, were leaving him. Quickly, he took a microphone, one that broadcasted to the whole asylum, telling his patients that they were free now, begging them to leave.

It was that night, the night that the old Brickkers Asylum was abandoned. It was left to diminish, some of the insane left to fend for themselves, while others managing to escape and still even others left to deal with the fast police force. It was the night that Doctor Reveral was changed. It was the night he escaped. It was the night he began terrorizing people around the globe. It was a night filled with sorrow, and many bodies were still left to be found. Two in particular that the police cared about the most. One being a nurse, since she saw the new ‘angel’ last and the next being the nurse’s last patient, because many assumed he was transfused with Reveral’s blood. The blood of a killer. The blood of a mad man.

The blood of the first man made angel.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

For lengthy works, I am fain to use Word to do editing, as it is much more efficient. If you desire such, I can do an edit in a post here, but again, Word is more conducive to editing well. I shall read through this and give you a brief summary of its strengths and weaknesses another day- I am short on time tonight.  

[Trinity of Light]

Either way is perfectly fine with me : ]
I just need someone to read it and tell me the honest opinion of the story I've set so far.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Honest (objective) opinions are my mode, and since you have recognized this as your desire, I shall strive to be more blunt, that my opinion is not mis-interpreted.

I shall only edit for grammar and spelling, unless you grant me leave to include style. Corrections for the two former categories are minimal when compared to length, so I shall include them within a post (you will please excuse me if I don't expand upon the grammatical reasoning? If you are unsure why something in particular is incorrect, please ask):

--it was then woman walking towards him. - Here you have changed from past to present tense.

--"They are her mangled crew. [...] in one of their white gloved hands." - Ditto.

--making a small noise after handing it to the nurse, - Consider changing these to past as well.

-- I will now place the needle of into the patient - You are missing a noun as the object of reference. Alternatively, you could remove "of".

--The boy watched in horror as the woman grabbed onto his arm, - "onto" is unnecessary, and is more colloquial than the rest of the diction in the piece.

--stabbing the needles directly into his royal blue vein. - Logical issue - there was only a singular needle mentioned before. Correct one of the references.

--His body began to twitch all around - "all around" is colloquial, and sounds grammatically incorrect (I cannot cite a rule, but as "around" may be used as a preposition, and as it is incorrect to end the sentence with one, the association of the word in another context might be what makes it sound queer).

--His body began to twitch all around, making him have spasms on the padded room below him.- his body is not what is making him have spasms ("body" is currently the reference of "making").

--She said and quickly, a goon grabbed - there is a comma missing after "said", and the comma after "quickly" is unnecessary.

--Right no she would have to tell the doctor another one of his patients died- "no" likely ought to be "now". Include "that" after "doctor".

--She was a devoted catholic and knew that this experimentation - Capitalize "Catholic" - some are uptight about mistakes of this variety, thinking that they are slights.

--It was the only job she could find the area, - "It" has no reference - you need to mention the job in a previous sentence.

--considering the fact that nurses were being taken away from hospitals and being forced to become full doctors - This confounds me - why would one wish to work as a nurse rather than a doctor? Nursing is not as lucrative.

--Not with three kids of her own, and one of whom - remove "and".

--but to no avail, they seemed not to be working. - I suggest either removing everything after "avail", or changing the comma to a semi-colon.

--It was expected now. - Your implied reference to "it" is not technically a reference, so "that" needs to be substituted for "it". I also suggest beginning the sentence with a negative, for flow.

--Still, nobody would ever hire her again once they found out - logical error - she is not being hired a second time by the same conglomerate/corporation/company, so remove "again". You also need to include "had" before "found".

--but the doctor would normally close the door from the inside,- include "that" after "but" for parallelism.

--she looked around her and took a cautious step inside- remove "her"

-- trying to listen carefully for any noises - you have changed from past tense.

--She walked more into the lab, - "more" is not a distance - use "further" or an equivalent.

--her heels making a large obnoxious noise as they scraped on the bottom of the tile- Logical error - the heels are not scraping the bottoms of the tiles, are they?

--sometime she’d never seen even after all of the years- I would guess that by "sometime" you meant "something".

--He moaned and then covered his hands with his pale flesh. - What you are trying to say here is unclear.

--Rei said simply as the doctor looked down at Rei - There are two different narrative povs here; I suggest using a pronoun or the second "Rei".

--a deathly evil glare placed on his bright blue eyes- "placed" is missing a noun reference.

--He asked simply, raising his voice slightly.- This is the second time you've used "simply".

--IT WORKED REI. THE VIAL WORKED!- I suggest placing a comma after "worked".

--that would normally bring chills down normal backs.- What is a normal back? You have also used the same word twice in close proximity here.

--Quickly, he took a microphone,- while this isn't close to your other use of the word "quickly", I still noted that it had been used twice; you might consider changing it.

--It was left to diminish,- If here you use the denotation of diminish as a synonym to "degrade", it is okay. Otherwise, you might consider changing it.

--while others managing to escape- "managing" is missing a dependent clause. Alternatively, you could change the tense.

--Two in particular that the police cared about the most.- this is a 'sentence fragment' (a dependent clause).

--One being a nurse, since she saw the new ‘angel’ last and the next being the nurse’s last patient, because many assumed he was transfused with Reveral’s blood. The blood of a killer.- you have three dependent clauses here, so it is also a 'sentence fragment'.

--The blood of a mad man - "mad-man" is hyphenated.

--The blood of the first man made angel- your meaning changes when you do not hyphenate "man-made-angel" (in context, it must be hyphenated).

My opinion: Aside from a few logical issues, this is not bad. While I would suggest a lengthier approach to this, to increase drama, I do not know how long the work that this is prefacing is. Your largest problem is Rei's sudden change in character once she meets the doctor is too swift for her to be dynamic - the value of your previous description of her is voided too quickly for the reader to entirely believe her as having the characteristics she is first described with. Increased length to allow for more exploration of her character would solve this, but again, this is a preface. A second weakness is the failure to follow the directive of "show, don't tell" in enough cases - and increase in use of situation and action rather than narrative will strengthen both your characters, and the realism of the piece. A method of fixing this in your work in general (not just this particular piece) would be to read through your work, and omit words like "sadly" or "fearfully" when you are describing an action, and replace them with a physical manifestation of that adjective - "sadly" might become "with downturned eyes and chin, and lowered shoulders", and "fearfully" might become "flinchingly, with many nervous mannerisms being displayed, and furtive glances back to the other person".

If you describe whether or not you wish to make this the prologue of a novella, and if it is to be a prologue, in what manner you wish to continue to story, I will be able to aid with more efficacy in rounding your characters. Please do not take my two suggestions of increasing length as the best solution - I see it as the easiest solution, which is not always right, as the solution is based upon the problem being solved.  

[Trinity of Light]

Thank you :]
I wanted this to be short as to not give that much away. I like it and I'm glad I can finally get an opinion on it besides something easy to say. I'll fix some of those mistakes while others I might keep.

"considering the fact that nurses were being taken away from hospitals and being forced to become full doctors - This confounds me - why would one wish to work as a nurse rather than a doctor? Nursing is not as lucrative. "

When you said this, I giggled. Becoming a doctor requires much more experince in college as well as on the field. While nurses are experinced, they must pass that ever so dreaded exam in order to become a doctor. In later paragraphs she mentions (or thinks of) her children, one of whom is leaving for college. Thus, money (like in all stories) is always tight (personally, I would know). My grandmother whom was a nurse was always tight on money and thinking of her children first. Rei, is slightly modeled after her.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

You are welcome. If you submit another draft in a new post in this thread and ask for more editing or stylistic editing, I shall find time to do so.

Yes. It seems as though our thought patterns deviate slightly in considering the same point of reference, which may only be attributable to a rift in ideology. I understand your point of view - it is valid.