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Kingdom Hearts - Saying 'I Love You' Would be a Lie

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Snowdropx

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 6:28 pm
This is my first Kingdom Hearts fan-fic, and I quite like it, but I hate the end. It sort of just... Cuts off. I'm trying to write as many short fan-fic's as I can to try and improve my writing skills for a big one that I am writing. So please review and comment, so I can improve my writing!

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Warning: Tiny (tiny) bit of blood and death. Is also bery Depressing. (Blah... O_O)
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“No! You won’t take him away from me, I won’t let you!” She jumped in front of him, arms spread wide.
“Amaiya no!” But it was too late, he screams echoed all around them. The black creatures jumped on Amaiya , forcing her to the ground. They bit and scratched at her, attempting to steal her heart. With the last of her strength Amaiya started to cast her strongest spell.
“Gravija!” She yelled, causing herself and the creatures to be surrounded by darkness, while the boy could only watch. Finally the darkness disappeared, leaving her lying on the ground, motionless.
“No!” His vision blurred by tears, he ran over to her body and kneeled down beside her, lifting up her head so that it was resting on his knees. Slowly her eyes opened.
“Well hello there.” She said weakly as she attempted to smile.
“Why?!” He cried.
“Because I’m selfish. You should know by now that I always need to be the hero.” She replied, smiling but not looking him in the eyes.
“You’re lying! You did it to save me! You didn’t have to… You shouldn’t of!” He pulled her up closer to his chest. For once, she didn’t have a comeback.
“Cure!” He yelled through his tears. “Cure!” he yelled again, but nothing happened. “Cure! Cure… Cure… Cu…”
“Stop… You’re not strong enough…”
“I have to be! If I’m not… You’ll di…” He couldn’t say it.
“No, all you have to do is promise me you’ll live, and have enough fun for the both of us.” She turned her head a little so that she was looking up at him.
“No… Live with me!” he cried, his tears now splashing gently onto Amaiya’s face.
“Please live for me, because I…”
“… you what?” He pulled her away a little so he could see her properly.
“NO! Wake up! Amaiya… Wake up… WAKE UP!” he shook her violently but there was no response. She was gone.

“Nygeh…” Ayaxima sat up and rubbed her eyes.
“Where am I?” She looked around. It was dark so she couldn’t see very far but she could tell she was surrounded by tall buildings.
“Welcome to life as a nobody.” A male voice came from behind her. Spinning around she saw a man in a black cloak like thing. He had red spiky hair and green cat like eyes.
“… A nobody?”
“Those without hearts.” He replied simply.
“Without hearts… Does that mean that I died?”
“Yes. … Anyway, what’s your name?”
“Ayaxima. What’s yo-“ But he cut her off.
“Ayaxima? Then what the hell was your true name?” he thought out loud.
“Huh? True name?”
“Oh… The name you had when you were a… Somebody.”
“Amaiya. What happens to me now?” She asked. She was pretty sure that he wasn’t going to tell her his name.
“Ahh well, you have two choices. Either you can join Organization XIII or…”
“Or what?” She didn’t know why, but she didn’t like the sound of this… Organization XIII.
“or… Someone will have to get rid of you…”
“Get rid of me?! Why?” She took a few steps back.
“So you don’t try to… take down the organization.” He paused then took a few steps towards her.
“So come with me and I’ll take you to the organizations leader, Xemnas.”
“No! Stay away from me!” She turned and ran, but she had nowhere to go. As the man came closer her reflexes kicked in. She opened a portal and jumped through.
“How the hell did I do that?!” She exclaimed, looking around. Her eyes widened as she realized where she was.
“Hollow Bastion!” She started to run as fast as she possibly could.

Panting, she stopped and looked at the small house before her. It was his house. She didn’t know what to do. He thought she was dead…

A few days had passed since coming back to Hollow Bastion but she had not revealed herself. She had spent those days watching over him. He hardly left the house, and when he did he looked depressed.
“Damn it. So much for having enough fun for the both of us…” She mumbled to herself.
“He still has a heart, unlike you, he can feel sorrow. He cares for you a lot.” The red haired man from before appeared behind her.
“How would you know?” She snapped back at him.
“Because… I care for someone the same way he cares for you.” He sighed and looked at the ground.
“You’re the one who said we don’t have hearts, you said we can’t feel anything, let alone LOVE!” She yelled at him. She didn’t really know why she was so angry.
“I may not be able to love now, but, I remember what it was like. I may not have a heart, but for him, I’ll pretend I do no matter how much it hurts. Because I remember how it feels to hurt too.” She didn’t know what to say, he sounded so sad. She had never known love, not even the love most people got from their parents. She had seen love, and she had wanted to feel it, but she never did.
“I can’t live like this… Please…” She looked up at him.
“Are you sure?” He had a look of concern in his eyes.
“Yes.” He took a few steps back and readied his weapon.
“The name’s Axel by the way.” He threw is weapon, aiming for her head.
“No!” Ayaxima opened her eyes to see who had called out and why she felt no pain. A boy was standing in front of her, arms spread out, protecting her. He fell back into her arms making Ayaxima fall to her knees. Axel just stood there watching, the boy had jumped in the way so fast!
“No! You were meant to be living for the both of us!” She whispered.
“Yeah, sorry about that…”
“Why do you sound happy? She yelled at him, she didn’t understand.
“I got to see you again, and… you’re alive!” He smiled up at her.
“You idiot I’m not rea-“
“Shh… I need to tell you something.”
“But..! … What?”
“I love you.” He smiled for the last time as the life faded from his eyes.
“You what…? I… I hate you!” She hugged his body closer to her. “I hate you… I hate…” She wanted to cry but she couldn’t, she wanted to say that she loved him too, but again, she couldn’t. She pulled Axels weapon out of the boys chest, covered in blood.
“What are you doing?!” Axel ran over to her, still not really knowing what to do.
“Thank you… Axel.”
“For what?” Before she could answer, Ayaxima thrust one of the points of Axels Chakram deep into her chest.
“Ayaxima!” He caught her in his arms before she fell to the ground, but, she was already gone.  
PostPosted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 11:24 am
I like the story idea and plot line.

In the first section you had a few grammar errors.
example: second line I assume you mean "his screams echoed all around them"
and on the fifth line "he knelt down beside her"

I enjoyed the fairly engaging dialogue, but I feel that in some places you didn't completely capture the emotion.

Personally something I think you could add that would add a little more to this story would be eye color. You did well in describing what Axel looked like, but there's very little description on Amaiya and the boy. One major part of the story is looking into each others eyes. So I think that describing the color of their eyes along with the pain or the life in them would help improve your story.

And I think the ending is great. You are worrying to much about it, your little intro where you worried about it, made me fearful that it was a cliffhanger and that you hadn't actually ended it yet.  

Kasi Karra
Crew


Snowdropx

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 1:54 pm
Kasi Karra
I like the story idea and plot line.

In the first section you had a few grammar errors.
example: second line I assume you mean "his screams echoed all around them"
and on the fifth line "he knelt down beside her"

I enjoyed the fairly engaging dialogue, but I feel that in some places you didn't completely capture the emotion.

Personally something I think you could add that would add a little more to this story would be eye color. You did well in describing what Axel looked like, but there's very little description on Amaiya and the boy. One major part of the story is looking into each others eyes. So I think that describing the color of their eyes along with the pain or the life in them would help improve your story.

And I think the ending is great. You are worrying to much about it, your little intro where you worried about it, made me fearful that it was a cliffhanger and that you hadn't actually ended it yet.


Ahh, thankyou for pointing those out!

Thankyou for your help and I will try to work on that for future stories!

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