Murder On Main St. Ch.1

[x - - - Cyan Cecilia]

Murders on Main St. Chapter 1


"Aurora," I called out to my black haired, pale, annoying half sister who for some reason still lives with me, mom, my dad (not hers) and our dog, Angel. "Mum wants to talk to you."

"Okay," She said in her gloomy high pitched voice that, if she wasn't so gloomy all the time, would sound like singing when she was merely talking. "Geez, Alice, you smell."

I rolled my eyes. I'd JUST taken a shower, she was just being a (watch you're language, Alice!) erm... witch. "I just took a shower, idiot."

"Really, cuz last time I checked, I wasn't with all D's and F's." she smirked.

"Thats because you're not in school," I said. "You SURE are smart, Aurora."

"I know," she said, smirking the 'big sister superior' smirk.

"AURORA!" Mom called, "GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"Coming, mother," she called back in a sweet, innocent, high voice.

I sighed and walked to my room, which was, like always, dirty. My maplewood stand that held my tiny 10 inch TV was covered in books, mangas, and magazines. My desk (that was also maplewood) was covered in loose leaf papers, failed drawings, homework, and my computer. My bed was covered in papers that I had NO idea what they were.

I sighed and plopped down on my bed, and checked for texts messages. Of course, none. You could say I wasn't the most popular kid out there.

I turned on the tv, "12 bodies varying in ages found today has finally been confirmed as a homicide. Police say the victims were drained of blood."

I sighed and rolled over. I didn't need MORE death on my mind. Except, the death on my mind didn't involve other people. Just me, myself, and I.  

[Ginjar420]

mellorocks

Murders on Main St. {your title seems a bit.. unoriginal. Every city has a Main St. why not find a unique street name?}


"Aurora," I called out to my black haired, pale, annoying half sister who for some reason still lives with me, mom, my dad (not hers) and our dog, Angel. {Information overload, you need to get rid of most of that. Yes we want to know details of your sister, but we don't want to be bombarded with such dull explinations. A hint here or there how she looks or asks will do much better.} "Mum wants to talk to you."

"Okay," She saidsighed in her gloomy high pitched voice that, if she wasn't so gloomy all the time, would sound like singing when she was merely talking. "Geez, Alice, you smell."

I rolled my eyes. I'd JUST taken a shower, she was just being a (watch you're language, Alice!) erm... witch. "I just took a shower, idiot."

"Really, cuzbecause last time I checked, I wasn't the one with all D's and F's." sShe smirked. {Well I love how you showed her smirking, yet how does the main characters bad grades have anything to do with smelling?}

"Thats because you're not in school," I said. "You SURE are smart, Aurora."

"I know," she said, smirking the 'big sister superior' smirk. {Ok no, this just doesn't work...}

"AURORA!" Mom calledyelled, "GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"Coming, mother," she called back in a sweet, innocent, high voice sweetly.

I sighed and walked to my room, which was, like always, dirty. My maplewood stand that held my tiny 10 inch TV was covered in books, mangas, and magazines. My desk (that was also maplewood) was covered in loose leaf papers, failed drawings, homework, and my computer. My bed was covered in papers that I had NO idea what they were that failed to be of any importance to me.

I sighed and plopped down on my bed, and checked for texts messages. {to many ands} Of course, none. You could say I wasn't the most popular kid out there.

I turned on the tvTV, "12 bodies varying in ages found today has finally been confirmed as a homicide. Police say the victims were drained of blood."

I sighed and rolled over. I didn't need MORE death on my mind. Except, the death on my mind didn't involve other people. Just me, myself, and I. {This line, is well not very good. Why is her death on her mind? Is she that suicidal or just a normal teenager wishing she wouldn't have the life she does? This line just doesn't do it for me..}

 

[x - - - Cyan Cecilia]

Ginjar420

mellorocks

Murders on Main St. {your title seems a bit.. unoriginal. Every city has a Main St. why not find a unique street name?}


"Aurora," I called out to my black haired, pale, annoying half sister who for some reason still lives with me, mom, my dad (not hers) and our dog, Angel. {Information overload, you need to get rid of most of that. Yes we want to know details of your sister, but we don't want to be bombarded with such dull explinations. A hint here or there how she looks or asks will do much better.} "Mum wants to talk to you."

"Okay," She saidsighed in her gloomy high pitched voice that, if she wasn't so gloomy all the time, would sound like singing when she was merely talking. "Geez, Alice, you smell."

I rolled my eyes. I'd JUST taken a shower, she was just being a (watch you're language, Alice!) erm... witch. "I just took a shower, idiot."

"Really, cuzbecause last time I checked, I wasn't the one with all D's and F's." sShe smirked. {Well I love how you showed her smirking, yet how does the main characters bad grades have anything to do with smelling?}

"Thats because you're not in school," I said. "You SURE are smart, Aurora."

"I know," she said, smirking the 'big sister superior' smirk. {Ok no, this just doesn't work...}

"AURORA!" Mom calledyelled, "GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"Coming, mother," she called back in a sweet, innocent, high voice sweetly.

I sighed and walked to my room, which was, like always, dirty. My maplewood stand that held my tiny 10 inch TV was covered in books, mangas, and magazines. My desk (that was also maplewood) was covered in loose leaf papers, failed drawings, homework, and my computer. My bed was covered in papers that I had NO idea what they were that failed to be of any importance to me.

I sighed and plopped down on my bed, and checked for texts messages. {to many ands} Of course, none. You could say I wasn't the most popular kid out there.

I turned on the tvTV, "12 bodies varying in ages found today has finally been confirmed as a homicide. Police say the victims were drained of blood."

I sighed and rolled over. I didn't need MORE death on my mind. Except, the death on my mind didn't involve other people. Just me, myself, and I. {This line, is well not very good. Why is her death on her mind? Is she that suicidal or just a normal teenager wishing she wouldn't have the life she does? This line just doesn't do it for me..}

biggrin thanks for ur revisions! Yeah, I didnt revise at all... heehee...
and the part where u said "what does grades have to do with smelling?"
was because she called her an idiot. I know the title is very unoriginal as the street name, is because I didnt want to point out a specific place. That was the point biggrin

Anyways, thanks for the revisions. Should I continue it do you think?  

[Kasi Karra]

i would say yes continue it.

Style wise you seem very inconsistent. At one point you are giving us a ton of detail (sometimes too much) and in other places you don't give us very much.
So I would try to balance that out a little more.

I think that revealing that the bodies were drained of blood is a little much of a give a way, or leaning too much towards vampires. If you aren't doing a story with vampires, it might be fine if you leave it. If there are vampires I would leave that out and build the suspense. Instead maybe say the victims faces flashed across the television screen paler then dead or something creative.

I know that you don't want to point our a specific place, but I don't know if this contects with your story, but main street is usually in the middle of town and the busiest street to be on (also the most well lit). It would be easier to murder in back alleys or maybe at the end of main street where the suburbs over run the once industrious main street.

And on Ginjar420s revisions, one thing I don't agree with, is the idea of not know what the papers on your bed, is unimportant. If she's a very unorganized person this can help build a unorganized character, but we'll also need to see more of these characteristics through the story.

To fix the bad grades smell, maybe have her sister describe the stench of a failure.

Sorry, final thought.
This is too short to be a chapter. Maybe it could be an introduction or something, but it's awfully short to be a chapter.  

[x - - - Cyan Cecilia]

Kasi Karra

i would say yes continue it.

Style wise you seem very inconsistent. At one point you are giving us a ton of detail (sometimes too much) and in other places you don't give us very much.
So I would try to balance that out a little more.

I think that revealing that the bodies were drained of blood is a little much of a give a way, or leaning too much towards vampires. If you aren't doing a story with vampires, it might be fine if you leave it. If there are vampires I would leave that out and build the suspense. Instead maybe say the victims faces flashed across the television screen paler then dead or something creative.

I know that you don't want to point our a specific place, but I don't know if this contects with your story, but main street is usually in the middle of town and the busiest street to be on (also the most well lit). It would be easier to murder in back alleys or maybe at the end of main street where the suburbs over run the once industrious main street.

And on Ginjar420s revisions, one thing I don't agree with, is the idea of not know what the papers on your bed, is unimportant. If she's a very unorganized person this can help build a unorganized character, but we'll also need to see more of these characteristics through the story.

To fix the bad grades smell, maybe have her sister describe the stench of a failure.

Sorry, final thought.
This is too short to be a chapter. Maybe it could be an introduction or something, but it's awfully short to be a chapter.

True xd thanks for your feedback! It KINDA has to do with vamps, if u wanna know what its about, PM me but I dont wanna give it away if you/others are going to read it x3