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Reply Writing: Prose
Little Horse Hard Life- A True Story

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Memories in the Mist

PostPosted: Sat Oct 24, 2009 7:34 am
Over the summer I did many fun things, but the best was meeting Danny. He was the best horse in the world. He lives at Stepping Stones Farm, and he was my riding teacher’s horse. I loved Danny so much.
“Bye, Alex, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Rachel called.
“Bye, Rachel,” I called back. It was the end of a long day at camp and I was as tired as a polar bear in the desert. Although I still had one more thing that I had to do before going home. My riding teacher, Kelly, had promised I could meet her horse Danny.
“Hey, Alex, are you ready to go?” Kelly asked.
“Yay, coming,” I replied. I ran over to her, and we walked to the stable. As we got to the stable a gray head popped out.
“This is Danny,” Kelly said. His eyes sparkled and I felt my heart reach out to him. He had a soft, silky, and smooth black mane and tail. He also had a dapple gray coat. Kelly then put on his halter, clipped on his lead rope, and led him out of the stall. We walked to the grooming stalls and Kelly hooked him up. Then Kelly handed me a brush.
“Alex, would you like to help me take care of Danny?” Kelly asked. My eyes lit up and I felt like I was going to faint. Although I kept my cool.
“Oh, I would love to, Kelly, thank you,” I said.
“OK, just be careful with his leg. It’s hurt. So just be careful,” Kelly said.
“No problem you can count on me,” I replied giving her a thumbs up. Kelly then waved goodbye and left. I started to gently groom Danny. Then I took out a treat and split it in half. Putting half in my pocket, I put the other half in my hand and made a fist with both hands.
“OK, Danny, which one has the treat in it?” I asked holding out my hands. Danny looked at me at first like I was from another planet. Then he seemed to get it. With his nose he reached out and tapped one of my hands.
“Good boy, Danny. That’s the right one!” I said partly amazed. He seemed to have enjoyed the game, because he gave a high pitch whinny. I then got and curry comb and started to get all that dirt off. I then tried to pick his hooves but he wasn’t too keen about that, especially with his injured leg.
“OK, ok, you win. I’ll stop,” I told him. “So my mom told me you are stuck in your stall for 2 weeks. That must be really boring.” It almost seemed like he nodded his head at me. After I finished brushing, I clipped on the lead rope and led him into the riding ring. Luckily there was no one in the ring so we could walk in peace. We walked around 5 to 10 times. One time there was a very loud noise. It frightened Danny so much. His ears flew back, his head sprang up, and he let out a desperate cry for help.
“It’s ok, Danny, it’s ok. You’re safe,” I said. When we finished our walk I put him back in his stall. “Bye, Danny, see you tomorrow,” I called as I ran out the barn.
A few weeks later at the stables I was riding Spot.
“I can’t wait to see Danny today,” I thought. In the stables I quickly untacked Spot and put him in his field. Then I quickly ran to Danny’s stall. I was very happy to see him today.
“Danny! I’m here, Danny boy,” I called although no head popped out. I didn’t even hear a whinny.
tab “Danny, are you there? Danny?!?” I called as I walked to the stall. Then I knew why no head popped out.
“Danny!!! Where are you???!” I called
“Kelly, where’s Danny?” I asked the next day.
“Danny hurt his hip a few days ago. I went to take him out and he got spooked and slid down the hill. So I brought him to my house,” Kelly said. I felt myself freeze up. Danny was……….. hurt. I couldn’t believe it. Kelly must have seen the shock in my eyes.
“Hey, Alex would you like to come see Danny today?” she asked.
“Really! I would love too! I said my eyes glowing.
“Well then, come on,” Kelly replied. I followed her into a small garage and climbed into a golf cart. We drove on the trails around the pastures to her house. When we got there I jumped out of the car and ran to the small stable.
“Oh, Danny boy, I’ve missed you so much! I cried. I spent most of the time hugging him. Although when Kelly went to filled up his treat ball she accidentally left the door open. Danny saw his opportunity. He pushed me against the wall and walked out of the stall. For a second I didn’t know what happened, until I saw Danny.
“Kelly! Danny, he………he is uh,” stammered still half dazed. Kelly quickly turned around and raced toward Danny. She reached him before he got outside and wrapped her arms around him.
“Alex, get his halter,” she said. I raced out of the stall, grabbed the halter, and ran toward her. I handed her the halter and she lend him back to the stall.
tab “OK, it’s time to go, Alex,” she said as she closed the door and walked outside.
“Bye, Danny,” I called.
“Alex, Danny won’t be able to be ridden ever again. Although some people are looking at him, they might buy him. They have a nice home where he won’t be ridden,” Kelly told me on the way back. I just nodded and kept quiet. I knew this was no dream, this was reality. I would never see Danny again, never show him, never ride him, and never feel his warm coat again. I felt tears well up in my eyes, but I refused to cry. I just wanted to let all the good, happy memories sink in. Even though Danny will be gone, he will always have a special place in my heart.  
PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 5:46 pm
Good story. I liked it.

I would use page breaks (an extra enter) to split up time periods so that it isn't so jumpy and disorienting when you come to time changes.

You use "he said", "she said", "she asked" an awful lot. That phrase is not always necessary. Sometimes it's fine to say. "Oh, I would love to Kelly! Thank you!" (exclamation marks added for emphasise at your joy)
If you do use the said afterwards don't be afraid to combine it with the next sentence. "Coming!" I called as I ran over to her.

When you describe Danny, I would explain that you are talking about the horse. (Kelly is a guy's name too so I was slightly confused)

For your story, it is mostly dialogue, but the story doesn't flow very much. It's almost like a play where you just read your lines. I would add a little more detail about what happens inbetween the dialogue and use words other then said, like whisper, called, screamed, cried. For example you could describe a little of the scenery as you ride the go-kart to Kelly's house.

I did enjoy your ending and how you wrapped it up, though it was a little short.

Keep Writing smile  

Kasi Karra
Crew

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Writing: Prose

 
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