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 Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 3:39 pm
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Well...I did have this story I made before for fun...but I thought I might post it here as well and see what you guys think of it. It's more of a story that just came to me one day while I was thinking of October.... xd sweatdrop Err...enjoy? xd sweatdrop
But just so you know I might of typed a few words wrong and I missed them. =/
There was a old lady who had a lot of cats...know of course she couldn't keep all of them but she still loved them just the same...One day she came back home, after going shopping, and found half her cats had died...for some unknown reason....There was no break into her house...she thought it might of been something they ate...she check around the her house and found nothing out of the normal...Sad, she couldn't part with them...she took them to a Taxidermy and had them stuff...When she brought them home she put the stuff cats on her selves, desk, and end tables.
She was fine the next few days...till she came back to the Taxidermy to get more of her cats stuff...seems more of the cats die off as well...eventually for the next week or so...she was in and out of the Taxidermy's place but then after that nothing....a few days had past and one of her family members was worry about her...a Young girl who happen to be in collage was her granddaughter...she knew about her grandmother's love of cats...but when she got a call from her mother that she wasn't answering her phone, she asked her to go visit her grandmother to see if something was wrong...
The young girl took a bus down to her grandmother's place, and walked down the block till she got there...she notice it was dark in the house...but then again..it was getting dark outside as well...The young girl went up to the door and knocked on it...but when she knock on the door it was open...She peeked inside...it was dark and quite...(We'll just call the young girl Emily)
Emily: "Hello? Grandma are you there?"
Worry that someone my have broken in Emily took out her phone and called the police.... but as she was dialing the number she heard something like a moan...
Emily: "Grandma is that you?"
Emily walked into the house slowly...she saw a light-switch and try to turn it on but it didn't turn on any lights...
Emily thought: "Must be broken..."
She made her way across the living room even though it was dark there was still light outside to see the objects in front of her...that is until she bump the coffee table nearly knocking over a stuff cat...she quickly grab it and set it back on the coffee table...she notice it's eyes where kind of glowing at first but she turn to notice something else and looked back at the stuff cat and nothing....Emily notice the for the first time how many stuff cats where in the room...there was too many to count but it kind of creep Emily out a little....she quickly moved on to the next room...down a hall...into the Kitchen where more stuff cats where....the kitchen was also a bit of a mess...for some reason there was cat food all over the counter...and a can of empty tuna...
Emily thought: "Why is there cat food up on the counter? I knew grandma liked cats but she kept her home cleaner then this..."
Emily thought was broken when she heard another moan....
Emily: "Grandma? Are you ok?"
She talked a little louder that time...she went out the side door from the kitchen and went threw another hall that led too a room....the door was closed....Emily this time clearly heard a moan threw the door...she turn the knob on the door and it open...it wasn't locked....as Emily slowly open it it was pitch dark in the room...she saw a chair in the room...the curtains closed...the room was a study room...with a desk and a bookshelf, the chair was facing a fireplace that seem to have been out for quite some time....Emily made her way to the chair slowly...and saw to her horror her grandmother sitting in the chair with a stuff cat in her hands...eyes wide open....like she just died....
Emily: "Grand....ma?"
At first Emily couldn't believe it...she waved her hand over her grandmother face...but no moment...Emily went over to the curtain to open them when she heard a moan....she slowly turn around to she her grandmother face slowly turn towards her as she open her mouth and said.....
"MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!"
So, yea....I'd ended it right here cause I didn't have any idea how to add on to that and yes, I do know I put to many "Dot, dot, dots" xd
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Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 5:33 pm
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Interesting story Idea.
Yes you have A LOT of spelling errors. Running a document through spell check is a good idea, but I would suggest reading the story out loud. If you don't want to read it to a friend, read it to a teddy bear. As you read it out loud you notice a lot of small mistakes that you miss when you just glance over it.
". . ."s are usually used to create suspension, but you are overusing them a little and it's not as suspenseful. A lot of the ". . ."s can be replaced by commas and periods.
Switching the story from a more third person short story to a play type writing was interesting, but didn't quite work. I would just stay with keeping it in third person short story.
One thing that I would change to the story, is make the grranddaugther a young lady, not a young girl. In most horror stories, when people mention young girls, you think of 7 or 8 year olds, not girls that are in college.
Just as an idea for the end. I honestly was afraid that for some unknown reason, the grandma had died and that she had been stuffed just like her cats, but there was no evidence of a break in.
So you can tinker with that idea, or keep your original one, but I would include something about the cat on the study table that had the glowing eyes. You had it there, but it didn't actually do anything.
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Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 6:01 pm
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