Work in Progress - Adrift

[YOUR no 1 PsYcO]

Adrift


Out on the blue Pacific sea; the waves lapping gently against the boat, while the breeze blew caressenly across a man's olive face.

No light but the stars and moon above him; glistening, as in expectation of the coming morning that was due once again.

Jannice's head rested on his lap. Softly breathing in the evening's air. Her tanned skin glowing from the moon, casting a warm auroa about her slender figure. Her shoulder length - soft red hair was casually strewn about her, flowing like water in the light breeze.
Her deep blue low cut dress was tattered and frayed , as pieces of lace dangled haphazardly over the bottom of the boat.

The man began to lean back in the gently swaying boat. His hands were full of cuts and bruises up to the shoulders ; as he winced from a sudden spasm that overtook him.
His broad sholders were lean, hardened from labors of his youth as he flung what little remained of his jacket over the woman. His soiled shirt stretched in protest over his broad back as he adjusted his black tux jacket over her.

Sighing, he once again looked out over the sea in despair. Hoping to catch a faint glimmer of rescue. A helicopter, a ship or even land.
Yet the same vision as before greeted him each time; only the rolling vastness of the sea.

It's been two days now, since they were forced to leave their ship. Two days of watching the seas for any signs of hope. Yet none was to be found, only the endless motion of the waves lapping the boat.

His sandy hair fell into his eyes once again, as if to mask his shame.
He wiped his hair back with his hand, suddenly agitated by its attack.
He then dipped his hand into the water and wiped its damp coolness across his face wearily, as he forced himsef to remain awake.

The man's thoughts drifted as he continued to gaze upon the black rolling sea, distantly remembering the events from before. Like trying to remember an old movie that he'd seen a long time ago.

( 1 Week Before )

New York City - Stevenson Law Firm

The office was quite spacious.
Behind a cherry desk; a huge picture window was majestically displayed, as if the entire city was there for their command.
The buildings and skyscrapers rose out of the earth like some colossal trees, with the people and cars below scurring around its' roots like ants.

On the opposite wall was a small conference area with a leather couch. Tooled into the front arms of the couch; shapes that looked like old gothic paintings arose from the leather.

The scent of flowers seemed to fill the air as you entered the room.

A simple gerrainium that was placed upon a stand of a tan marble column sat to one side next to the window.
Within was a single luxurious white flower with a red tongue, that had petals the size of your hand.

A well - dressed heavyset man walks into the room in a tan suit that looked
tailor made & expensive. His black hair seemed nearly evaporated from his head. His thick eyebrows over his rounded pale face gave him the appearance of some kind of sideshow freak.

As he strolled to his desk; he placed the folder that he carried onto the desk, when the intercom rang out.
" Mr. Torrenton" said a female voice.
" Yes, Sarah."
" Your 4 o'clock appointment is here."
" Send him in. "
"Yes sir," she replied.
Torrenton moved around the desk and sat in his leather chair; the leather groaning in its' protest as he sat down, as he began to study the file before him when he heard the door open.

Sarah, a lean pencil-like woman of about 30 ; dressed in a knee-high
black skirt , a tan jacket and a white frilled shirt with black shoes entered the room holding the door.
" Mr Torrenton, Mr. Troy Mandel is here for his interview, Sir."
Without looking up from his file, "Thank you Sarah, that will be all."
" Mr. Mandel, please take a chair."

As Troy walked in calmly wearing a blue suit, light blue shirt, black slacks and a dark blue tie with a embellished white design. The suit seemed to hug his 5'10" body like a second skin. Not seemly very muscular but he carried his chisled squared jaw and broad shoulders with an air of mischieviousness and inner strength.
Troy's olive Italian skin seemed to highlight his features,making him look like he would be more comfortable on a fishing boat than a law office.
Troy smoothly crossed the room and seated himself down next to the desk.

Torrenton continued to finish reading the sheet of paper for a few more moments before he spoke.  

[Kasi Karra]

I love the imagery that you use. I personally love a lot of imagery and this was very easy to visualize.

A couple errors or questions or whatever I ran into

I don't think you need a - after midnight in the first line and I think a comma would be better then a period after sea to show that line is one idea rather then two.

"Her tanned skin reflecting form the moon" sounds like we're looking at the moon and it's reflecting the tan color of her skin. So maybe her skin is reflecting the moon's light? Again I think you need a comma instead of a -.

"Exhausted and barely able to keep his eyes opened" I think the tense is open not opened in this phrase. The next line makes sense, but your transition from description to action needs a little clarifying.

"It's been two days now" sounds like you're starting to talk from the man's perspective. So instead maybe "It had been two days since . . ."
I think they're just looking for a sign, not multiple ones.
Either "Yet there were none to be found" or "Yet there was none to be found"

Rub the wearriness from his brown eyes.

I like the detail of the office, but there needs to be a little more fluidity instead of sounding like a list.

I would stick the view for a king before describing it, because where it's at currently it sounds redundent.

its doesn't not need an apostrophe

which room? The room with the king's throne?
are explaining the gerranium or another flower in the next part?

what's ole? (Maybe my vocabulary isn't big and it exists)

he sets down the folder that he carried on it?

"Send him in." and "Yes sir," will go on two lines

its doesn't have an apostrophe

I like Sarah's outfit. she dressed a knee-high skirt . . .? I would type out and instead of using the & symbol and the and will go after the shirt and before the shoes.

seemingly instead of seemly. comma before but.

the last sentence is very repetitive. She's stealing last peeks and then she peeks a last time before closing the door.  

[YOUR no 1 PsYcO]

Kasi Karra- smile

Well first, let me say thank you for taking the time to read this.
Secondly, (WOW). You really let me have it didn't you.??

Anyway, I admit there was some errors made doing this. I didn't proof read the part from the start of the law office on too closely.
( And I corrected some overlooked ones at the begining.)

But as I stated, this is a rough draft from scratch. Also, this is my first attempt at writing a romantic / adventure . I will keep your comments
in mind as I revamp and add on to the story. So feel free to return to check its' progress.  

[Kasi Karra]

Actually, that's not a lot of comments. sweatdrop
My friend wrote a page and a half before giving it to me to edit. Typing his stuff and my notes/edits, I return a 4 page paper to him.

And for a rought-draft-first-time-attempt type of paer it is very good.

(Sorry I was also a little irritated and stressed about school so I did type out quite a bit sweatdrop )

Yes I will definetly drop by again blaugh  

[YOUR no 1 PsYcO]

Kasi Karra

Actually, that's not a lot of comments. sweatdrop
My friend wrote a page and a half before giving it to me to edit. Typing his stuff and my notes/edits, I return a 4 page paper to him.

And for a rought-draft-first-time-attempt type of paer it is very good.

(Sorry I was also a little irritated and stressed about school so I did type out quite a bit sweatdrop )

Yes I will definetly drop by again blaugh

lol Yeah, I could see that being a problem. must be a really good friend for you to do that for someone else.
I haven't been back to writing anything serious for at least 4 years. I had my friends drooling over this one so far, since I've been out of school for awhile.  

[Kasi Karra]

SHADOW OF DESPAIR291

Kasi Karra

Actually, that's not a lot of comments. sweatdrop
My friend wrote a page and a half before giving it to me to edit. Typing his stuff and my notes/edits, I return a 4 page paper to him.

And for a rought-draft-first-time-attempt type of paer it is very good.

(Sorry I was also a little irritated and stressed about school so I did type out quite a bit sweatdrop )

Yes I will definetly drop by again blaugh

lol Yeah, I could see that being a problem. must be a really good friend for you to do that for someone else.
I haven't been back to writing anything serious for at least 4 years. I had my friends drooling over this one so far, since I've been out of school for awhile.

Yes thank goodness he is a really good friend
rofl I know how you feel lol