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 Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 10:33 am
A soft amber sun rose into the crisp autumn morning sky. There are depressing, lifeless, blue and gray clouds looming overhead, and the sun seems to cress the clouds transforming them into a vibrant sea of orange and yellow. I look out into the distance and spot the outline of a great mountain, cloaked in a sea of mist that seems to hover over the hills towards me.
As I lay my hand onto the tree I seem to be beneath, I can feel it’s rouged and course skin against my soft, small tender hand. The crisp autumn breeze seeped all around me, engulfing me in its’ rupturing incense. The leaves dance to the winds soft song all the way to the ground, tapping my cheeks gently urging me to dance with them as they go.
I glance to the trees around me and notice one happens to be different than the rest. It is a dying lifeless life. Willowing, sunless colors seem to surround it, while the others had lifted their leaves to the suns beauty and changed into the colors of the sky.
I glance to the north and great fear fills inside my body. A deep Shadow only told in legends was cast into the sky. Lighting flashes came, the soft breeze turned cold and unfriendly. The high pitched ring of a horn filled my ears, a warning, a sign that the legend was true. The darkness that once ruled this land disappeared, and now returned thirsty for blood and light we have. Before I even have time to think I’m running towards the highest cliff I know. Even though I have small size, I still am quick as if I were an adult. When I finally arrive I move a small bolder no larger than myself, and climb into the tunnel it hides. The wind whistles its cold dark song into the tunnel as I make my way up like a spider on a wall.
I emerge onto the peak of the cliff. The wind was more hateful than before, threatening to throw me off the cliff, thrashing my hair into my face like needles. My hand clenches onto the cliff so the wind does not carry me away, the rocks are jagged and sharp to the touch. My gaze follows the wind onto the men dressed in night cloaks, and ride horses like they are riding the wind. I do not see their eyes, but their horses ride with a dark fiery death stride. They ride towards the mist, my village is hidden beneath. Screams begin to cry out, wolves to the moon, then all is silent. Not even the wind blows…. (To be continued….) _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay, this isn't an rp, I just need coments about what you guys and girls think about this I do have rules/questiong for you to answer though.
1. Rate 1-10 1 - cry 10 - biggrin
2. Changes?
3. What did you like?
4. What didn't you like? (only prolog, will add more as time progresses!)
5. If compleated should I publish?
6. Sujestions?
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Posted: Thu Dec 24, 2009 10:22 am
Please coment or vote please please please please!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 12:59 pm
Please coment or vote please please please please!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 5:04 pm
Sure, I'll comment, though I should mention that I don't consider myself a writer. (In return, may I ask that you look over and critique my own thread, titled 'Seeking Advice for A New Roleplay'?)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Mind if I go over your passage, first, bit by bit?A soft amber sun rose into the crisp autumn morning sky. There are depressing, lifeless, You don't need that comma after "lifeless" blue and gray clouds looming overhead, and the sun seems to cress Do you mean "crest"? Or maybe "caress"? the clouds transforming There should be a comma before "transforming" them into a vibrant sea of orange and yellow. I look out into the distance and spot the outline of a great mountain, cloaked in a sea of mist that seems to hover over the hills towards me. Is the mist floating toward the narrator, or did you mean to say that the hills are nearby?As I lay my hand onto the tree I seem to be beneath, This is the only time the narrator seems unfamiliar with her surroundings--I'm assuming it's a girl--as if she'd just woken up in a new world. She is very much aware of, however, and familiar with the evil the "Shadow" represents, and the legends behind it. That should indicate that she's grown up in this place, and therefore shouldn't be unfamiliar to her. I can feel it’s rouged and course skin against my soft, small tender hand. "its", not "it's"; "rough", not "rouged"; "coarse", not "course"; and a comma should be between "small" and "tender". (The word "tender" begs the question: Why is her hand tender? Generally, a hand is tender after it's taken a beating; say, by trying to karate-chop a few blocks too many.)The crisp autumn breeze seeped all around me, engulfing me in its’ rupturing incense. "seep" means "to ooze, or to permeate". I don't think that's the right word, here...
"rupture" means, generally, "to burst". Did you mean "rapturing"?
Note also that with "seeped", you've changed from present tense to past tense. Generally, one should try to maintain the same tense throughout the story (unless, of course, the dialogue speaks of an action in the past or future).The leaves dance to the winds soft song all the way to the ground, tapping my cheeks gently urging me to dance with them as they go. "wind's", not "winds"; and there needs to be a comma between "song" and "all", and "cheeks" and "gently". And now you've returned to present tense.I glance to the trees around me and notice one happens to be different than the rest. Should be either "that one happens" or "one that happens". Also, "than" should be "from".It is a dying lifeless life. Though not a great a concern as some of the others, a tree can't be "dying" and "lifeless", just as a person can't be "dying" and "dead". wink Willowing, sunless colors seem to surround it, while the others had lifted their leaves to the suns beauty and changed into the colors of the sky. "willowing" means "to treat with willow". Did you mean "withering"? (I don't think "withering" can be applied to colors, though...)
"sun's", not "suns". By the way, if the leaves have changed to the colors of the sky, have they turned from green to blue? (That'd be pretty cool!)I glance to the north and great fear fills inside my body. Need a comma between "north" and "and".A deep Shadow only told in legends was cast into the sky. Lighting flashes came, the soft breeze turned cold and unfriendly. You don't need "came", since lightning tends to flash when it appears. The high pitched ring of a horn filled my ears, a warning, a sign that the legend was true. The darkness that once ruled this land disappeared, and now returned thirsty for blood and light we have. Should be "had disappeared", since the darkness (I assume) was banished long before it appeared to the narrator.
Need a comma between "returned" and "thirsty", and you should probably add "the" before "blood". Before I even have time to think I’m running towards the highest cliff I know. Even though I have small size, I still am quick as if I were an adult. When I finally arrive I move a small bolder no larger than myself, and climb into the tunnel it hides. The wind whistles its cold dark song into the tunnel as I make my way up like a spider on a wall. Need a comma between "arrive" and "I move"; "boulder", not "bolder". Need a comma between "cold" and "dark". I emerge onto the peak of the cliff. The wind was more hateful than before, threatening to throw me off the cliff, thrashing my hair into my face like needles. "was" makes the wind's actions past tense, while everything else is present tense. Again, try to keep the same tense throughout the story. My hand clenches onto the cliff so the wind does not carry me away, the rocks are jagged and sharp to the touch. The comma in this sentence should be a semi-colon. My gaze follows the wind onto the men dressed in night cloaks, and ride horses like they are riding the wind. I do not see their eyes, but their horses ride with a dark fiery death stride. "onto" should be "to", and unless a "night cloak" is a special cloak, it should probably be "cloaks black as night" or something. Concerning the horse simile; I know what you're trying to say, but it's a bit odd to read. Perhaps something more life "ride horses as birds ride the wind"?
Did the narrator not see the horses' eyes, or the riders' eyes? Also, unless the horses are emitting flames from their hooves, their gaits can't be "fiery".They ride towards the mist, my village is hidden beneath. No comma necessary in this sentence. Screams begin to cry out, wolves to the moon, then all is silent. Not even the wind blows…. Are you likening the villagers' death cries to the howling of wolves, or are wolves actually howling somewhere nearby?
Okay, now that the passage is done, I have a few questions and comments:
Who is the narrator? Not only her name, but her race, too; what country does she hail from? One can gather that she is small for her age/race/etc, but not even her gender is mentioned. (I'm assuming it's a girl.)
Why does she watch as her village is (supposedly) slaughtered? Wouldn't she want to help the others escape? Or at least make sure that her family's alive.
This prologue reads more like an opening chapter than a prologue, though I'm afraid I don't know enough about prologues to help you with that.
Overall, your story has an exciting beginning, with only a few grammatical errors and the occasional miswording.
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